[For a complete script, see: "12 and a Half Angry Men" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Peter: I just don't think he could have done it. Guilty!
[Quagmire whispers in his ear]
Peter: Oh, guilty is the other one? [exasperated] Well I don't know.

Lois: Peter, how long do we have to sit here?
Peter: Until I'm not angry anymore, you naked buncha bitches!

Judge: We will now hear the defense attorney's closing statement.
Peter: I switched seats.

Peter: Enough! ...was a movie with Jennifer Lopez that did not live to expectations.

Joyce: Our top story. Guys, right?

Quagmire: It's his fault we're still here. How is it that you think you know everything anyway? You don't even understand your feelings for the mailman.
[Cut to a mailman delivering mail at the Griffin residence, Brian runs out barking and the mailman runs away]
Brian: You motherfucker! Get outta here, I'll kill you! But come back tomorrow, same time, I get very sad on Sundays when you're not here.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Now you're all gonna have to witness me taking an old man pill that looks way too big to swallow.
[Carter chokes down a large pill and finally swallows it with a sip of water]
Carter Pewterschmidt: Oh, there we go.

Quagmire: And now to take my position. This is what I call the butterpat.

Stewie: There's a maniac out there! He's cutting people's power off, breaking into their homes and slitting their throats!
[The lights suddenly go out]
Stewie: And we're dead.

Quagmire: This is ridiculous! Even if you don't believe the note was legitimate, there was an eyewitness who saw the entire thing!
Brian: Well, I have questions about her testimony. She said she was at a party. Not just any party, a sex party! How could a woman at an orgy witness a murder? The bedroom was of a hundred feet from the window!
Quagmire: Okay, first of all, the term 'orgy' is outdated. We call them 'genital jamborees'.
Brian: But still, I don't see how she could look out a window and witness a crime!
Quagmire: Trust me, you're banging eight strangers who responded to a flyer. At some point, you're gonna look out a window and question every decision you've ever made.

Carter Pewterschmidt: Mayor West has let people down!
Peter: Guys, I feel like all we talk about is Mayor West.

Judge: Jurors, you have now heard all the facts of this case. I remind you that because we are a small town, many of you may have ties with the defendant or the victim. You must set aside these personal connections and render an impartial and unanimous verdict. Does anyone have any questions?
Peter: Yeah, is Toblerone the fanciest thing in the world?

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