[For the complete script, see: "3 Acts of God" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Quagmire: C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Peter: Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week.
Peter: Okay, my great uncle Wears a Ski Hat All the Time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9. Check in with Shirley.
Darth Vader: You gonna need me this week?
Peter: Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
Gay Man: Over here.
Peter: No no no. The really cartoony gays.
Cartoony Gay Guy: Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
Peter: There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.

[After the Patriots lose]
Peter: You know, I am gonna channel this anger into something useful. Like trying to get sand out of my backpack.
[Peter puts a backpack on the table and starts smashing it into the table again and again while screaming]
Joe: Try turning it inside out.
Peter: Don't you think I tried that?! That's the first thing I did!

Cleveland: What are you doing here?
Death: I'm, um...here for your show.
Cleveland: Come on, man. I'm on vacation.

Peter: This place gives me the creeps, like when I went to that pedophile opera.
Announcer: We are proud to present Mozart's The Magic Flute...in a minor. [applause]
[End cutaway]
Peter: AND YOU STILL WON'T GIVE US AN EMMY!?!?!??! Come on!! If Modern Family did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!!

Peter: Comedy is tragedy plus time. [Hits Cleveland in the legs]
Cleveland: Ow!
Peter: And now...we wait.

God: Oh, by the way, Conway Twitty says, "Cut it out! Just write a joke!"

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