[For the complete script, see: "8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: Alright, you guys, I got eight crates of ipecac from Mort, all on my tab. Now whoever goes the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the fridge. [Peter, Stewie, Brian, and Chris drink the bottles] Okay, here we go. [pause] How's everybody doin'?
Brian: Good. Good so far.
Peter: Alright, alright.
Stewie: Nothing yet.
Peter: Cool, cool. You know, I don't know if any of you guys have had that pie yet, but that's...that is some tasty stuff. That's from the bake sale that Lois was...HULLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHH!!!
Stewie: Ooh, one down, I know someone who won't be having any...BLEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Chris: I'm startin' to feel funny.
Brian: Well, I feel fine, I guess I'm gonna...HUHLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Chris: Oh, boy! That means I win! I get to eat...HULEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: LEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH!!!! Oh...Oh, God, why didn't anybody tell me...HULLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Stewie: No, please...no more...no more, no....LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Brian: Get the phone! Call nine-one-on...HULEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!
Brian: Okay. I think it's all gone. I think it's...HULEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHH!!!
Stewie: I don't wanna, I don't wanna...HULLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH!!
Brian: Peter, I need you to hold my ears...LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHH!!!
[The vomiting stops for a bit, and the whole living room is covered in puke. Lois comes into the room with a cooking pot]
Lois: Who wants chowder?

Stewie: Ha! I got your hat! Take that, hatless! Now go back to the quad and resume your hackey-sack tourney! I'm not going to lie down for some frat boy bastard with his damn Teva sandals and his Skoal Bandits and his Abercrombie and Fitch long-sleeve open stitched crew-neck Henley smoking his sticky buds out of a soda can while watching his favorite downloaded Simpson episodes every night! Yes, we all love Mr. Plow. Oh, you've got the song memorized, do you? SO DOES EVERYONE ELSE! That is exactly the kind of idiot you see at Taco Bell at one in the morning...the guy who just whiffed his way down the bar-skank ladder.
LaDawn: Goodnight, Stewie.
Stewie: If he wants to throw hands, I'll throw hands! I tell you...

Meg: Neil Goldman from Quahog, Rhode Island, leave me alone! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!!

Meg: I could be out having a life.
Lois: Meg if you don't want to babysit that's fine, but don't you stand there and lie to me!
Peter: Oh she torched your ass, Meg! She torched your ass!

Meg: I can't believe he's over me.
Mort: I can't believe I'm out 34 grand!
Peter: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Stick around, more Family Guy coming up.

Meg: I can't believe I'm actually jealous.
Lois: I can't believe I actually touched him.
Peter: I still Can't Believe It's Not Butter! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Next week, I run for Mayor of Quahog. Do I have what it takes? We'll find out. Don't miss it.

Peter: Hey Mort, do these suppositories come in other flavors?
Mort: Peter, are you eating those?
Peter: [sarcastically] No, I'm shoving them up my butt! Of course I'm eating them!

Peter: Do the suppositories come in any other flavors?

Meg: Please go out with me. I'm just trying to make Neil jealous. I promise I'll pay and everything.

Meg: You can't sell me, you fat son of a bitch!

Stewie: You know what I do Meg? I spit in your mouth while you sleep.

Lois: Peter! How could you have tried to sell our daughter?!

Stewie: You know, Meg, if you kill yourself now you'll probably get a full page in the yearbook. So, umm... you know that's something to think about.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// 8 Simple Rules for Buying My Teenage Daughter's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.