[For a complete script, see: "A Fish out of Water" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: There she is, boys, the S.S. More powerful than Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk put together.

Peter: I heard that one of Shannen Doherty's eyes is off center because it's trying to escape.

Jake Tucker: [about Peter] What's that, Daddy?
Tom Tucker: That's Mercury, Jake. The planet closest to the sun. What it's doing down here by the wharf, I haven't the foggiest. We should probably ask a scientist...
Peter: I'm a guy, you jackass!

[After Peter wins the boat at a police auction]
Seamus: The last captain of that vessel lost his life. And it weren't no accident! His name was Salty. And he was devoured by Daggermouth, the man-eating blowfish. You want to buy that boat? Go ahead. But don't expect me to fish your dead body from an angry sea that gave you fair warning.
Peter: Are you up for bids, too? You are just precious.

[After Peter crashes into a boat which kills a clown at a Bar Mitzvah]
Boy: Papa, he killed Mordecai the Dancing Yiddish Clown!
Father: Stop crying! You just became a man. Now, act like one!

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: If by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady," then yes.

Spring Break Guy: Hey, did you hear what happened to the dude from UMass? He got so drunk, he fell off his hotel balcony! He's in a coma!
Spring Break Guy #2: Oh, man! I want to party with him!

Chris : [answers the phone] Good evening. Stevenson residence.
Lois: Chris, honey, we've been over this a thousand times. It's pronounced "Griffin."

Peter: How am I gonna come up with $50,000 by tomorrow?
Quagmire: Well, you could whore yourself out to 1,000 fat chicks for $50 apiece. Or 50 really fat chicks for $1,000. What? Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love, too. But they got to pay.

Quagmire: So, were you like, in an accident, or what?
Seamus: No. Me father was a tree.

Salty: And now I'm gonna give you $50,000 to be on your way.
Peter: $50,000? For What?
Salty: To keep your mouth shut. And because the longer we stay here, the more people'll question how a fisherman with no engineering background managed to build a sophisticated talking fish robot.

Announcer: And now, back to Daggermouth and Boom Boom on Nickelodeon.
Daggermouth: Boom Boom, did you do your exercises today?
Boom Boom: Yes. I did 20 laps. And I'm about to do 20 more! [licks Daggermouth's milk bowl]
Daggermouth: Oh, you! [Takes out a gun]
Boom Boom: Yipes! [Both run out the door; cut to Lois and Peter]
Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm so glad being a fisherman is working out for you. You know I gotta admit I half expected to come home, and all our stuff would be gone, and we'd owe somebody a whole lot of money.
Peter: How can you "half expect" something?
Lois: I don't know. It's just a turn of phrase.
Peter: How do you "turn a phrase"?
Lois: God, you're dumb! Thank God for that ass! Now, come here and kiss me. (Peter does so) Good night, honey.
Peter: Good night, Lois. Good night, Jim and Abby. [Camera pans out to reveal Jim and Abby in bed with Lois and Peter]
Jim & Abby: Good night.
(After when the lights are out, We hear Abby blowing raspberries on Peter's belly)
Peter: [laughing] Not now, Abby.

Jim: A jackal! Jackal! It's a jackal! It looks like a jackal! Jackal? Jackal! It's a jackal! Jackal?
Abby: Time!
Stewie: It wasn't right the first time you said it, why the hell would it be right the next ten times?! God!

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