[For the complete script, see: "A Hero Sits Next Door" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: Holy crip, he's a crapple!

Stewie: I demand to know who made you!

[Stewie is reading a book, and then closes it shut]
Stewie: Machiavelli, you've told me nothing I don't already know! [He picks up another book] Ah, Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
[He opens the book as Lois enters]
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies [She takes the book from him]. Here, watch the Teletubbies.
[She turns on the TV and leaves]
Stewie: How dare you! That book, may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind...[Notices TV] Ooo, fuzzy...
Teletubby: [giddy laugh] Tickle.
Stewie: God, the more I resist, the more intriguing they become! I can't look away!
Teletubbies: Again! Again!
Stewie: Yes! Yes! Again! Again! Oh, dear God, please once more!
Peter: [walks in and changes the channel] Sorry, Stewie. A&E Biography is doing the life of the other guy from Wham.
Stewie: [snaps out of it] I'm free! Free from the spell of those diabolical Teletubbies! [to Peter] Thank you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

[Peter and Chris watch, "Wheel of Fortune". The puzzle reads, "G O _ U C K Y O U R S E L F _ _"]
Contestant: [On TV] Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle. "Go tuck yourself in."
Pat Sajak: [On TV] You got it!
Chris: Well, you were close, Dad.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. And I still can't believe we missed the phrase "my hairy aunt."

Little Girl: Your family idolizes the lousy cripple and not you?

Meg: So, do you like music?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
Meg: Uh, you first.
Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Phish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

Chris: Meg loves Kevin!
Meg: Shut up, you big sack of dog vomit!

The Grinch: You think you have won, you think all is well; but kiss my green ass, I shall see you in hell!

Bonnie: The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out.
Lois: What about lemon juice?
Bonnie: Oh, what about club soda?
Stewie: What about shutting the hell up?

Mr. Weed: Peter, make yourself useful, go get Joe a drink.
Peter: Sheesh, first he takes my friends then he takes my job, and the way I wear my hat... no no, he can't take that away from me.

Chris: When the kids at school see this, they're gonna think you're a total psycho, and I could say: "that psycho is my dad."

Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg: That's such a mom answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing him the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg: Creepy.

Stewie: Oh, to be the Lindbergh baby right about now.

Joe: Hey, I just suggested a line of handi-capable toys. You know, to show kids the fun side of being physically challenged!

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