[For the complete script, see: "A House Full of Peters" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: Hey, Lois?
Lois: Yeah?
Peter: How would you find the name of the actual actress who plays the AT&T chick?
Lois: I left a list of hot commercial girls on the refrigerator.
Peter: What is this refrigerator you keep mentioning? Are you talking about the sandwich house?

Eacx19 014 02 0023 hires2.jpg
Cleveland: [crying on the toilet] I used to have my own show.

[Bonnie prank calls Joe]
Bonnie: [fake voice] Hello, is this Joe Swanson?
Lois: Wait, you can talk normal?
Bonnie: [normal voice] What do you mean?
Lois: Nevermind.

Peter: Hello, don't say anything about the 1998 Oscars. I'm watching it now.

Donna: Sometimes friends put wine out for each other.

Peter: Alright, I'll see you later.
Lois: What? Where are you going?
Peter: Laser tag orientation.
[Peter leaves]
Bonnie: Well, that's obviously not true.
Donna: Yeah, that boy got liar-hea.
Lois: Oh my God. I gotta follow him. Find out where he's really going.
Donna: Good idea. If I was you, I'd stick to him like glue-arrhea.
Lois: Okay, I think I'm starting to crack your code.

Peter: Last night, I get this call from a woman, who says she's my daughter.
Lois: Peter, that was me. I was prank calling you.
Peter: You what!? I can't believe you would do that to me!
Sperm Doner 1: Can you guys argue elsewhere? You're making it tough to finish in here.
Sperm Doner 2: No, fight louder! Call her a bitch!

Peter's Sperm Donation Offspring: Hi dad!
Katie: We're all your children. We came from your semen. Semen. [chortles]
[All of Peter's offspring chortle like him]
Live Studio Ostrich: Ha ha! Oh, sorry. Wrong house.
[A Live Studio Ostrich family is holding a reunion across the street]
Ostrich: Look, Eddie's at the wrong house. Ha ha!

Peter: I've never felt proud of any of my children until now.

German Offspring: This is so exciting. For years, I have dreamed of one day travelling from Bavaria to play the accordion for my birth family. May I? [plays accordion]
Stewie: I have just one question for you. [points to shoes] WHAT ARE THOSE!?
German Offspring: Oooh, I get that, because this comedy has just made it to Germany.

Larry: Sorry I drew so many Nazi symbols on the place mat. I was just nervous.
Lois: That's okay. I just wish we hadn't gone to a Kosher restaurant.

Stewie: That big one doesn't blink a lot, does he?

Peter: By the way, thanks, all my kids, for stepping in to help. Really, really appreciate that.

Lois: At our age, all I'm really looking for in a husband is someone who wants to watch TV with me on a Saturday night and isn't afraid to pop a zit on my back.
Peter: Afraid? I love doing that! It's like bubble wrap you get to have sex with every now and then.

Narrator: From that day forward, Peter and Lois never again...oop, nope, sorry. There's still another scene left.

Peter: From now on, I'm making sure my sperm stays right where it belongs: in the bathroom sink.

Alligator-Rat Hybrid: We have fun down here.

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