- Lois: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.
- Bonnie: Careful, Joe!
- Joe: [plummets down the roller coaster in front in the train] GET SOME! YEAAAHHH!
- Bonnie: Hm, your father... Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed.
- Antonio Monatti: You understand that this means you can never see your father again.
- Chris: Yeah, of course he will, that's very...Whaaaaaaaaaaa?
- Peter: Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. [Changes to Peter's inner child] But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!
- Stewie: [sees a toy clown in the shooting gallery booth] Ooo, how deliciously evil-looking! It looks like something out of Stephen King!
- Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
- Peter: [driving while blindfolded] Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
- Lois: Then at least let me drive!
- Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he drives through into oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.
- Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous. [Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
- Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
- Devil's Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.
- Antonio Monatti: The painting. I must have it for my studio in Soho. I'll give you five thousand dollars. What do you say?
- Peter: I say... [scene goes back to home with the family] I love you, ya freakin' son of mine. I got five thousand bucks for that painting you gave me.
- Chris: But Dad, I painted that just for you.
- Peter: Don't feel bad, Chris, I didn't even want it.
- Lois: Look at that man grabbing his crotch. So alive, this city!
- Stewie: [to Lois after reading Peter's birthday card and finding out Lois put his name on it] Did you forge my name? Oh, is that backwards "s" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!
- Peter: Wait a minute! I don't see any strippers handing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!
- Quagmire: Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.
- Meg: I don't know how you could find anything in this city; it's so confusing.
- Peter: Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out, even though she could never straighten out Bill.
- [Meg makes bird calls, attracting Big Bird from Sesame Street]
- Big Bird: Yeah? Well, what'd you want?
- Meg: Uh?
- Big Bird: You called me, right?
- Meg: [laughing] Oh no, no, I wasn't calling you.
- Big Bird: Oh, oh, this is funny to you, yeah? You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town this time of day? Huh?
- Peter: Listen, uh, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here.
- Big Bird: I don't fly, you know, I take the subway like everybody else. Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. [throws up on Meg's shoe] Bitch.
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