[For a complete script, see: "A Picture's Worth a Thousand Bucks" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Are you Kate Moss? For someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you.

Bonnie: Careful, Joe!
Joe: [plummets down the roller coaster in front in the train] GET SOME! YEAAAHHH!
Bonnie: Hm, your father... Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralyzed.

Antonio Monatti: You understand that this means you can never see your father again.
Chris: Yeah, of course he will, that's very...Whaaaaaaaaaaa?

Peter: Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf? The grownup in me likes the prospect of fun. [Changes to Peter's inner child] But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become!

Stewie: [sees a toy clown in the shooting gallery booth] Ooo, how deliciously evil-looking! It looks like something out of Stephen King!

Lois: Peter, you can take off your blindfold now, we're almost there.
Peter: [driving while blindfolded] Not yet, I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise.
Lois: Then at least let me drive!
Peter: Lois, you know it's illegal for women to drive. [cat screeches] A woman driving... [he drives through into oncoming traffic] Hehehehehe, that's adorable.

Peter: [making a birthday wish] I'd sell my soul to be famous. [Cutaway to Hell. The Devil gets a message instantly]
Devil: Oop, I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Devil's Assistant: Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar.

Antonio Monatti: The painting. I must have it for my studio in Soho. I'll give you five thousand dollars. What do you say?
Peter: I say... [scene goes back to home with the family] I love you, ya freakin' son of mine. I got five thousand bucks for that painting you gave me.
Chris: But Dad, I painted that just for you.
Peter: Don't feel bad, Chris, I didn't even want it.

Lois: Look at that man grabbing his crotch. So alive, this city!

Stewie: [to Lois after reading Peter's birthday card and finding out Lois put his name on it] Did you forge my name? Oh, is that backwards "s" supposed to be cute? Oh, I'm going to crap double for you tonight!

Peter: Wait a minute! I don't see any strippers handing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!

Quagmire: Well, hello. You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire.

Meg: I don't know how you could find anything in this city; it's so confusing.
Peter: Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out, even though she could never straighten out Bill.

Previous Episode's Quotes /// A Picture's Worth a Thousand Bucks's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes

Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.