Peter: Don't bother whispering, I don't have a hangover.
Brian: It's a Christmas miracle!
Lois: Brian, you're not wearing that sweater I made you.
Brian: Well, you know, it's a little warm in here, and -.
Lois: Don we now our gay apparel.
Brian: [puts on the tacky Christmas sweater] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
Peter: Since when did they change the meaning of "for" to "from"?
Brian: I think they had a meeting about it last night.
Peter: Why wasn't I told?
Brian: They sent you a card, but it said "for Peter", so you must have thought it was "from" you, so you didn't.. umm... You know it's just easier to call you stupid.
Peter: Lois! If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!
Peter: Can't we tell them your mother died?
Lois: Peter, I'm not gonna lie about something like that!
Peter: Fine, I'll kill your mother. When did Christmas have to get so complicated?
Shop owner: It will be on next Christmas
Peter: And who the hell knows when that's going to be?
Peter: Hey, I was gonna pick at that!
Meg: Oh, there are the paper towels!
Lois: You all think Christmas just happens? You think all this goodwill just falls from the freakin' sky? Well, it doesn't! It falls out of my holly jolly butt! So, you can cook your own damn turkey, wrap your own damn presents! And while you're at it, you can all ride a one-horse open sleigh to hell!
Peter: Merry Christmas to all, and to all shut the hell up.
Brian: You're really going to take back donated presents on Christmas Eve?
Peter: Yep, now here's the plan: You'll enter through the air conditioning duct here. Now there'll be an invisible laser grid 3 inches from the floor, so you'll have to compress your body to the size of an ordinary household sponge and slide underneath like some kind of weird amphibious dolphin.
Brian: Can I buy some pot from you?
Bonnie: I am the Virgin Mary. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Brian: Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who. Someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his whole family at risk.
Brian: From all of us at Family Guy...
Meg: ...we wish you Christmas joy.
Chris: May all your wishes now come true...
Stewie: ...for every girl and boy.
Peter: We hope your freakin' holidays are filled with fun and cheer. So have a Merry Christmas and...