[For a complete script, see: "Absolutely Babulous" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Go Stewie! Ha! Isn't this exciting?
Peter: Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem.
[Kyle Kapernick kneels during the national anthem]
Peter: Boo! Get on your feet!
[Kyle Kapernick stands up]
Peter: Boo! Down in front!

Brian: It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.
[Cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]
Rabbi: Today, you are a man.
Boy: Great! Can I drive?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I vote?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I drink?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I have sex?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I cash the checks?
Rabbi: Yes!

Peter: Do you have oysters?
Waiter: We do not.
Peter: Ah, shucks.

[Stewie wears a medal he won in a race]
Stewie: Hey, Brian, you don't have a medal detector on you, do you?

Peter: Okay, when I read your name, please respond with a "here". Griffin, Mac.
Meg: It's Meg.
Peter: Sorry, it looks like Mac. Griffin, Liam.
Lois: It's Lois.
Peter: Again, please respond with "here".

Peter: Uhp, here comes the insurance guy. Everyone start crying about losing your new golf clubs and Grant Wood's American Gothic.
Chris: Oh! My new golf clubs with the titanium shafts!
Peter: Oh! My classic depiction of the austere steadfastness of rural America!
Insurance Guy: You know, I don't care. It's not my money.
Peter: Oh.

Carter: Thank you for not interrupting my bit.

Tom: I've deleted all my old tweets so even bother looking for old stuff. Screen grabs can be faked.

Stewie: This calls for champagne.
[Stewie pops an imaginary champagne cork and pours Brian a glass]
Stewie: Pop! Glug glug glug. Bottoms up! ... Go with it.
[Brian and Stewie drink their imaginary wine]
Brian: Ugh. Korbel?
Stewie: It's not Korbel. It's ...
Brian: Go with it.
Stewie: Yes! I had some left over from Denise's wedding.
Brian: Who's Denise?
Stewie: Go with it.
Brian: Fine. How is Denise? Did she have the abortion?
Stewie: Abortion!?
Brian: Go with it.
Stewie: Uh, no. Her alarm didn't go off, so she missed it. So, Brian. Is this your first orgy?
Brian: Not going with it.

Babs: Bring that up again and we'll vote on it.

Babs: You know, Peter. You and I are not so different.
Peter: You struggle to get erections too?

Babs: I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
Peter: Boy, that probably would have torn your mom's uterus.

Babs: I'm not from an upper crust world either. I just had to act that way to impress Carter, who cared about that stuff. I was struggling to be something I wasn't. In many ways, I still am.
Peter: There's an Ed Sheeran song for every emotion you're feeling right now.
Babs: Ooh, no thank you.

Babs: To the Babsmobile!

Peter: You've got vehicles with your face on them too!?

Babs: Thank you, Peter. You've helped me more than you know.
[Babs kisses Peter on the cheek]
Peter: Gross.

Babs: As a rebellious teen, I used to come down to this board walk and feed alka seltzer tablets to the seagulls.

Peter: Listen Babs, I...I understand what you're doing. I really do. Sometimes I feel suffocated by Lois and my stupid mother-in-law.

[Cutaway gag to Sandy and Danny from Grease getting married]
Priest: Mr. Rama Lama Lama Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong, do you take Miss Shoo-Bop Sha Wadda Wadda Yippity Boom De Boom to be your wife?
Danny: I do.
Priest: And Miss Shoo-Bop Sha Wadda Wadda Yippity Boom De Boom, do you take Mr. Rama Lama Lama Ka Dinga Da Dinga Dong to be your husband?
Sandy: I do.
Priest: If anyone objects to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace.
[An Asian stands up and everybody gasps]
Sandy: Mr. Chang Chang Changitty Chang Sha-Bop!

Fjurg: [pronouncing "pie" like "pee"] Everyone is welcome to taste my pie.

Stewie: I did it!
Brian: No, Stewie. You did it. Oh, wa ... sorry. I thought you ... Thought you said "We did it."
Stewie: I did not.

Fjurg: [pronouncing "cake" like "cock"] Good job, little boy. Maybe someday, you can come by my store and have all the cake you want.
Stewie: Ooh! That sounds promising!
Brian: Okay, that's enough.
Fjurg: [pronouncing "ice hole" like "asshole"] And maybe this winter, you can go fishing in my ice hole.
Brian: [offscreen] I said enough!

Carter: I think I went too big with the boots.

Babs: Carter? Is that you?
Carter: Oh, hey Babs. I hang out here all the time.
Peter: Yeah, he comes in here with me and I'd even take a lie detector test to prove it.
Babs: [pronouncing "Wednesday" phonetically] Well, good thing the bar is having lie detector Wednesday.
Peter: Doing what?
[Peter takes the lie detector test]
Lie Detector Test Guy: Just a few easy warmup questions. Have you ever had condomless sex with a man?
Peter: Okay, test over. Carter's never been here in his life.

Babs: I thought I wanted this life back but have you ever had a Milwaukee's Best? it's an awful, awful, AWFUL ...
Carter: It's one of our sponsors.
Babs: ... DELICIOUS beer!

Peter: Ah, old love.
[Peter leans on Paddy McGuire's bar and tips it over, which knocks down all of the other nearby buildings like dominoes]
Peter: Well, I didn't pay for my beer but I left a hell of a "tip".

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