Stewie: Wait, Uncle Adam is dead!? Sheesh, how many people has this show killed?
Meg: You know what'll make you feel better, Aunt Carol? Doing an Indian guy.
Lois: Meg, stop eating with the serving spoon.
Principal Shepherd: So, you'd like to rename the school?
Brian: Yes, to Adam West High.
Principal Shepherd: Well, you're a talking dog. You probably know what you're doing.
Peter: Do you have a gambling problem?
Principal Shepherd: Me? I don't have a gambling problem. [yelling at a basketball game] POINTS! JUST SCORE POINTS! I DON'T CARE WHO!
[Principal Shepherd's secretary enters]
Secretary: Principal Shepherd, someone named Eddie Payups is here to see you.
Principal Shepherd: Tell him I need one minute!
Principal Shepherd: I like this episode.
Carol: I just wanted to thank you for what you did today for Adam.
Brian: He was a great man.
Carol: You know, I see a lot of him in you.
Brian: Oh no. Are we gonna kiss? [confident] We're gonna kiss, aren't we?
[Peter tries to kick a basketball, but kick his video camera instead]
Peter: Aw, dammit!
Brian: I don't know anything about politics. Although, crazier things have happened. Harry Truman didn't have any experience.
Carol: Of course he did. He was vice president and before that, a United States senator.
Brian: Oh, word?
Brian: So, Carol was just going on and on about how I should be mayor and it's got me thinking. It is an interesting idea. You think I should do it?
Stewie: Absolutely not.
Brian: I mean, if not me, who?
Brian: If not now, when?
Brian: You know, why not me?
Stewie: A million reasons.
Brian: I mean, who do you want in there? Some career politician?
Brian: What are they gonna do?
Brian: Thanks, Stewie. Your support means a lot.
Stewie: You don't have it.
Peter: Meg, fart on Brian.
Meg: I can't. I don't have one in the chamber.
Peter: The one time I give you a chance, you're not ready. Chris, tag in for Meg.
[Chris farts on Brian]
Peter: See that kid? He's a gamer. Great job, Chris. Now go hit the shower.
Peter: Meg, you miss 100% of the farts you don't take. That kid's going places. He's going all the way.
[In Chris' room, Chris uses Anabolic Farts]
Chris: If only they knew.
Brian: Thank you for allowing me up on the furniture. I don't always get to do that.
Tom: Oh, word?
Brian: I welcome a challenger. Not the one that exploded.
Tom: So, Brian. How's the sofa so far?
Brian: So far, so so.
Tom: I see. Sophie, so far we got a so so sofa.
Brian: Why are you running for mayor?
Quagmire: Uh, let me think. Oh yeah. Out of spite. Spite for you.
Brian: That's not a reason to get into politics.
Quagmire: That's the only reason to get into politics.
Brian: What are you gonna wear?
Quagmire: I don't know. I was thinking like a collared shirt, jacket, no tie.
Brian: Yeah, yeah, no tie.
Quagmire: Yeah, no, definitely no tie.
[At the debate, Quagmire is wearing a tie and Brian isn't]
Brian: That son of a bitch.
Tom: First, the impeccably dressed, Glenn Quagmire.
Quagmire: Thank you, Tom.
Tom: Is that a Windsor knot?
Quagmire: Double Windsor, Tom.
Tom: Excellent. Some might describe that tie as mayoral. Next up, we have super cazh, Brian Griffin.
Brian: I was gonna wear a tie. He told me not to!
Stewie: He's already losing and it hasn't started yet.
Tom: As candidates for mayor, how do I put my apps into a folder? I know how to get them shaky. I just can't get them into a folder.
Tom: Whoa, so I can just name the folder whatever I want? [naming his folder] Tom's...stuff.
Quagmire: Hey, Brian. I was just emptying my bus garbage. Would you like to eat it first?
Brian: ...What's the catch?
[Quagmire and Brian get into a bus crash]
Brian: Oh my God! We're gonna die!
Quagmire: Calm down, Brian. This bus has OnStar.
[Quagmire calls OnStar]
Melissa: [over the intercom] Onstar, roadside assistance.
Quagmire: Yes, our bus went over a cliff. We need help.
Melissa: [over the intercom] Glenn? I...Is this Glenn Quagmire?
Quagmire: Yes, sweetheart. Hi. Who's this?
Melissa: [over the intercom and angry] It's Melissa...from the Ramada Inn.
Quagmire: Oh ... The Framingham Ramada Inn or the Cranson Ramada Inn?
Melissa: [over the intercom and angry] Cranston.
Quagmire: [to Brian] Yeah, we're gunna die.
Brian: You know, when you think about it. We're really the only two viable candidates. I mean, you're a pilot. You're responsible for people's lives. You make quick decisions or the machinery in the plane makes quick decisions, but my point is you're a smart guy.
Quagmire: Thank you.
Brian: ...And now you say something nice about me.
Quagmire: Like what?
Brian: Like, I'm good company, that I'm smart and funny, that I'm invited to all your pool parties, that I should just come over if I hear one of them going on.
Quagmire: No thank you.
Quagmire: You are a complete tool!
Melissa: [over the intercom] You do sound like kind of a tool.
Quagmire: See? Even Melissa from OnStar thinks you're a tool.
Brian: You've been listening this whole time?
Melissa: [over the intercom] There's nothing to do at OnStar. People have I-Phones now. I just listen into cars. Sometimes, there's sex.
[Quagmire gets hit in the throat with a gentleman's dildo]
Brian: Oh, my God! You just got hit in the throat with a gentleman's dildo! Hey, Melissa!
Melissa: [over the intercom] What? What happened?
Brian: He got hit in the throat with a gentleman's dildo!
Melissa: [over the intercom] Ha ha! See? This is why I listen.
Meg: I can't believe they canceled the election after they thought Brian and Mr. Quagmire were dead.
Chris: Does that mean we still need a mayor?
TV Announcer: It sure does, America. Who do you think should be the next mayor of Quahog? Register your votes at FOX.com/Family Guy!
Peter: Your votes don't count. It's a trick. They're just tracking your data.
[Stock footage of the real Adam West, running a faux mayoral campaign plays]
Adam West: I wanna be a mayor in real life. So, I'm here to ask you to make me the mayor of your town. Vote for me, Adam West. It'll be a home run. [takes out a baseball bat with blood and hair all over it] Ugh, God! [takes out a clean baseball bat] It'll be a home run.