[For the complete script, see: "Airport '07" at the Transcripts Wiki]
Peter: Hey Meg, come here, have a seat.
[Meg sits down and Peter yawns and puts his arm around her. Her eyes widen in surprise, she looks down, and then over to him]
Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're forty.
[Meg jumps off the couch and runs off screaming]
Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Redneck Comedy Tour, featuring Stink Fleaman.
Stink Fleaman: You know you're a redneck, if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
Announcer: Mike Drunkbeater.
Mike Drunkbeater: Oh, that dog o'mine!
Announcer: Walt "Coffee & Pie" Abernathy.
Walt Abernathy: Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Announcer: And Larry, The Guy Who Works For The Department of Water and Power.
Larry: You tell me how that got in there! Wooo!
Peter: Heheh, he's right! Who knows how that got in there?
Brian: Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating.
Peter: Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me. This is the greatest show I've seen in years! Not like the last I was at a comedy club.
[Peter and Cleveland are at another comedy club]
Peter: I hear this guy's hilarious. He played Kramer, you know.
Cleveland: Oh, this is gonna be fun!
TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos. Edited for rednecks.
Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
[The audio is edited, playing a redneck's voice. Carl Sagan's mouth continues to move]
Redneck: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
Redneck: God...[The voice extends the word God for a few seconds]
Carl Sagan: -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
Carl Sagan: -asaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
Redneck: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
Brian: Peter, do we have to watch this?
Peter: This is what rednecks watch, Brian.
Quagmire: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Glenn Quagmire, uh... We're looking at about a 4 and a half-hour flight time today, uh... We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees, uh... The flight's gonna be a little longer than expected. We've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take-off.
Chris: Aagghh!! Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my treehouse!
Lois: Yes, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen, which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
Homo: I'll have you know I was invited here.
[Quagmire and Chris are sitting on the couch. Chris is messing with a calculator]
Quagmire: Okay, now add 20.
Quagmire: Now, multiply it by 4.
Quagmire: And what do you got?
Quagmire: And what does "8008" look like on a calculator?
Chris: ...Oh, boob!
Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! All right, all right, all right, boob!
Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other?
Quagmire: [gasps] Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes!
Tom Tucker: Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently-discharged pilot, Captain Glenn Quagmire, is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
Tom Tucker: Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.
[phone rings Lois picks it up]
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number. There's no one here by the name of Longrod Van Hughendong.
Quagmire: [gets up] Oh eh eh eh...
Peter: Oh no she didn't!
Joe: Oh, yes she did!
Peter: No she didn't!
Joe: Yes she did!
Peter: No she didn't!
Joe: Yes she did, Peter! I just saw it!
Peter: Alright, take it easy!
Quagmire: We know your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your vagina may have shifted during coitus.