- Peter: Hey Meg, come here, have a seat.
- [Meg sits down and Peter yawns and puts his arm around her. Her eyes widen in surprise, she looks down, and then over to him]
- Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
- Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're forty.
- [Meg jumps off the couch and runs off screaming]
- Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Redneck Comedy Tour, featuring Stink Fleaman.
- Stink Fleaman: You know you're a redneck, if you come from a rural area and behave as such.
- Announcer: Mike Drunkbeater.
- Mike Drunkbeater: Oh, that dog o'mine!
- Announcer: Walt "Coffee & Pie" Abernathy.
- Walt Abernathy: Woo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!
- Announcer: And Larry, The Guy Who Works For The Department of Water and Power.
- Larry: You tell me how that got in there! Wooo!
- Peter: Heheh, he's right! Who knows how that got in there?
- Brian: Peter, can we please go now? This is excruciating.
- Peter: Are you kidding, Brian? These men and their redneck lifestyle really speak to me. This is the greatest show I've seen in years! Not like the last I was at a comedy club.
- [Peter and Cleveland are at another comedy club]
- Peter: I hear this guy's hilarious. He played Kramer, you know.
- Cleveland: Oh, this is gonna be fun!
- TV: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos. Edited for rednecks.
- Carl Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's four-
- [The audio is edited, playing a redneck's voice. Carl Sagan's mouth continues to move]
- Redneck: Hundreds and hundreds of years old.
- Carl Sagan: Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-
- Redneck: God...[The voice extends the word God for a few seconds]
- Carl Sagan: -ig Bang. If you look at the bones of a-
- Redneck: Jesus
- Carl Sagan: -asaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that-
- Redneck: Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.
- Brian: Peter, do we have to watch this?
- Peter: This is what rednecks watch, Brian.
- Quagmire: Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain, Glenn Quagmire, uh... We're looking at about a 4 and a half-hour flight time today, uh... We got clear skies, good visibility. The temperature in Atlanta is 64 degrees, uh... The flight's gonna be a little longer than expected. We've got some very strong headwinds. Giggity. Uh, flight attendants, please prepare for take-off.
- Chris: Aagghh!! Mom, Dad, there's somebody in my treehouse!
- Lois: Yes, and there's an annoying little homo screaming in my kitchen, which one do you think I'm more pissed about?
- Homo: I'll have you know I was invited here.
- [Quagmire and Chris are sitting on the couch. Chris is messing with a calculator]
- Quagmire: Okay, now add 20.
- Chris: Okay.
- Quagmire: Now, multiply it by 4.
- Chris: Okay.
- Quagmire: And what do you got?
- Chris: 8008.
- Quagmire: And what does "8008" look like on a calculator?
- Chris: ...Oh, boob!
- Quagmire: Boob! Yeah! All right, all right, all right, boob!
- Chris: What if we had two calculators and we put them next to each other?
- Quagmire: [gasps] Yes, yes, yes, find one, yes!
- Tom Tucker: Some new developments in the Flight 209 drama. Recently-discharged pilot, Captain Glenn Quagmire, is apparently talking the plane down. Ollie Williams has the story. Ollie?
- Ollie Williams: I'm at the wrong airport!
- Tom Tucker: Oops. Well, thanks, Ollie.
- [phone rings Lois picks it up]
- Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number. There's no one here by the name of Longrod Van Hughendong.
- Quagmire: [gets up] Oh eh eh eh...
- Peter: Oh no she didn't!
- Joe: Oh, yes she did!
- Peter: No she didn't!
- Joe: Yes she did!
- Peter: No she didn't!
- Joe: Yes she did, Peter! I just saw it!
- Peter: Alright, take it easy!
- Quagmire: We know your choice in airport sex, and we thank you for choosing Quagmire. Please exercise caution when standing up, as the contents in your vagina may have shifted during coitus.
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