- Stewie: [narration] Meet Alana Fitzgerald. How she got here is quite the tale and I'm here to tell it to you. I'm here to tell you all about Alana. And who am I? I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy. Do you really not know that?
- Lois: Oh, Alana. This lesson has been a treat. You were always the best student.
- Alana: And you were always the only teacher in town who didn't rest a hand on my knee, while I played.
- [Chris rests his hand on Alana's knee]
- Chris: It's okay. I'm not a teacher.
- Lois: Chris, go to your room.
- Lois: Alana, it's been 5 years since you graduated and still no college plans?
- Alana: I still wanna audition for Juilliard but I still can't afford the $12,000 application fee.
- Lois: Oh, you're not gunna tell me you can't pay the $7 for today's lesson cuz that's our sandwich money.
- [Somebody rings the doorbell]
- Lois: Oh, that must be Alana.
- Chris: [reading the newspaper] What are you, The Amazing Kreskin? Just open the damn door.
- Alana: Hi, Chris. Good to see you again.
- Chris: And it will be good to see you again from the bathroom keyhole.
- [Cutaway gag to a giant keyhole in the bathroom door]
- Chris: That was not original to the house.
- Meg: I'm Meg. Don't touch my drum set or you're dead meat.
- Stewie: [narration] No one had ever heard of Meg's drum set before this moment.
- Alana: Let me get started on dinner. I was thinking tacos and nachos?
- Lois: Well, sounds good to me. What do you think, Peter?
- Peter: [pleasured] I just arrived in my pants.
- Bonnie: Here, Joe. Barely thawed trout and white rice.
- Joe: This trout's the lucky one. It's over for him.
- Alana: Did you guys know you had a pool in the backyard? It was just overgrown with grass and weeds.
- [Peter is seen out the window, jumping into the pool]
- Peter: Cannonball!
- Alana: There's no water in it though.
- [Peter rewinds reality outside and goes back on land]
- Peter: llabnonnaC! Phew, that was a close one.
- Lois: Oh, 8:15. Well, that's much later than I usually wake up at least I won't react like a character in an 80's movie... [terrified] 8:15!!!???
- Peter: [as a child thanks to Mini Wheats] The shrinking process was incredibly painful!
- Meg: Alana and I stayed up all night scissoring.
- [Cutaway gag to Meg and Alana cutting up some construction paper to make arts and crafts]
- Alana: Wow, Meg. You're really good at this.
- Meg: Yeah, I had a babysitter who kind of showed me how. [gasp] Hey! Maybe after this, we can get out the cribbage board and work on our pegging.
- Stewie: Every time Peter saw someone at 2:00 AM, he assumed it was Santa.
- Peter: [Seeing Alana in the kitchen in her nightgown] Alana? What are you doing up so nipples?
- Alana: Hey! Maybe we can split a popsicle for desert!
- Peter: Yeah, sure if any of them have your name on it, help yourself.
- Lois: Can I be honest with you, Brian?
- Brian: [suspicious] Hmm, that's what a woman says before she trashes another woman.
- Lois: I'm a little worried about Alana.
- [Brian fetches a tennis ball that Lois threw all the way to Hank Hill and his friends]
- Brian: Hey, sorry about that.
- Hank: Well, looks like Lois is plenty threatened by that new girl, who moved in, I tell ya what.
- Brian: Wow, dusting the den, huh? You're really going the whole 8.2 meters.
- Alana: What?
- Brian: Oh, sorry. 9 yards. I just read so many European authors, I go into metric sometimes.
- Lois: Oh, hey, Lannie.
- Stewie: Uh-oh, she's trying to assert dominance by creating a fake nickname.
- Lois: I see you're giving a bath to The Stew Man.
- Stewie: She does it to me too.
- [Alana dresses as Lois]
- Alana: My clothes were in the wash so, I borrowed your clothes and Peter's bra.
- Peter: [has sagging tits and two black eyes] Boy, my morning jog was murder.
- Lois: Alana, why is your hair red?
- Alana: I decided to dye it. I'm a huge Kathy Griffin fan.
- Lois: Well, that doesn't add up. No one is a huge Kathy Griffin fan.
- Chris: [with red hair] I beg to differ. Sometimes comedy is just energy.
- Lois: Who cut my head out of these family photos?
- Peter: Sorry, that was me. Alana and I did some scissoring last night.
- Lois: NO! I do the groceries! You won't like me when I'm groceries.
- Alana: [menacingly] Don't worry, Lois. I promise, after today, you will never see me again.
- Meg: You guys, I just found this note from mom.
- Peter: [reading the note] Dear, family. I've decided to leave you all and become a lesbian.
- Meg: Wait, we can just do that?
- Chris: Dad, how did this happen?
- Peter: I blame myself. Because of my fat, I can't be on top.
- [Lois is kidnapped and in the back of a truck]
- Kidnapper #1: We're taking you to die!
- Lois: Well, are we there yet?
- Kidnapper #1: No.
- Lois: Are we there yet?
- Kidnapper #1: No! God!
- Kidnapper #2: Just give her the iPad.
- Kidnapper #1: No! The book says kidnapped victims are getting too much screen time these days. They bond with the iPad and not with us.
- Lois: Please...Please don't let two white women make a podcast about my disappearance.
- Peter: [grievous] Kids, now that your mother is gone, I want you to be prepared for a lot of pee on the floor next to the toilet.
- Peter: [crying] Lois is an angel. She's my soulmate. There's never been another Lois and there never will be. Not for me. She's irreplaceable.
- Priest: We have gathered today, suspiciously quickly, to celebrate the union of this man and this woman. Now before we begin, let me just say that, Yes, I am the priest from YouTube who plays the guitar. [strums his guitar] Pretty cool priest. You can also catch me playing Fortnite on Twitch.
- Priest: Now, I understand Peter has written his own vows.
- Stewie: [offscreen] Oh no!
- Peter: I'm definitely not reusing the vows I said to Lois when we got married in the late 90's. [reading his vows] Dear, Lois. Whazzuuuup!?
- Alana: I've never seen a man love his wife as much as Peter loves you.
- Lois: God, you need to get out more.
- Lois: You were going to marry her.
- Peter: I'm sorry, Lois. The only things I liked about Alana was the stuff she stole from you but who needs her when I've got the genuine article right here? I guess what I'm trying to say is,...what's for dinner?
- Lois: Oh, Peter.
- [Joe arrests a bride and gets rice thrown at him, while the cool priest plays Jumper]
- Joe: This is probably like my favorite arrest!
- Stewie: [narration] And here ends our tale of...Chris? Chris, what are you doing?
- Chris: [narration] Dad said I can do voice over too.
- Stewie: [narration] Ugh, fine. You know what? You do it.
- Chris: [narration] I'm Chris Griffin and I once saw a film called All About Beave and it was nothing like this. Goodnight, everybody.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// All About Alana's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 19 | Family Guy Season 20 | Season 21 >> | ||||||
| #01 | LASIK Instinct | #08 | The Birthday Bootlegger | #15 | Hard Boiled Meg | |||
| #02 | Rock Hard | #09 | The Fatman Always Rings Twice | #16 | Prescription Heroine | |||
| #03 | Must Love Dogs | #10 | Christmas Crime | #17 | All About Alana | |||
| #04 | 80's Guy | #11 | Mister Act | #18 | Girlfriend, Eh? | |||
| #05 | Brief Encounter | #12 | The Lois Quagmire | #19 | First Blood | |||
| #06 | Cootie & the Blowhard | #13 | Lawyer Guy | #20 | The Jersey Bore | |||
| #07 | Peterschmidt Manor | #14 | HBO-No | |||||