[For the complete script, see: "American Gigg-olo" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Brian enters the kitchen after a day on the job]
Brian: [To Lois] Wow, what a day!
Stewie: Please don't comment.
Lois: [Ignoring Stewie] Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie: Bitch.

Stewie: There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Quagmire: Ladies, this is your pilot speaking. I am in the full, upright, and locked position.

[The Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]
Peter: Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Peter: Are you ... Are you gay?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figures, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Peter: Hey, awesome cameo.

[Brian is working at Mega Hardware, ignoring all of his customers]
Customer: Can you tell me where I can find extension cords?
Brian: Aisle 25.
Customer: I was just there.
Brian: 26.
Customer: There is no 26.
Brian: 15.

[Meg is playing the cello for her music recital and Peter's phone rings]
Peter: [offscreen] Hello? Hey Quagmire, what's going on? Oh, you need a ride? Yeah, sure, I can come get you. I'm not doing anything.
[Peter leaves and the lights go out]
Janitor: Meg, that was the last guy, so just lock up when you're done.

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