[For the complete script, see: "An App a Day" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
Cleveland: Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
[Cleveland samples the song]
Cleveland: It says ""Around the World", by Daft Punk."
Quagmire: Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
Peter: Hey Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
Joe: I am not an idiot.
Cleveland: I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
Peter: Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
Cleveland: I don't know. Be my guest.
[Peter farts into it]
Peter: It says "Lana Del Rey."

Lois: What are you doing?
Peter: Well, I just found out about these things called Apps, so that's kind of all I do now.

[Peter and Lois are deplaning in Hawaii and are presented a lei from a local woman]
Peter: Okay, before you do anything else, I'm deathly allergic to pineapple, pork, rum, macadamia nuts, stupid tiny guitars, overpriced golf, sentimental military stuff, lava, people who I can't tell are black or Asian, apostrophes, anyone twirling flames, second weddings, and linen pants.
Hawaiian woman: Is there anything you're not allergic to?
Peter: Yeah, the Epcot Center, where I wanted to go.

Principal Shepherd: Thank you for coming Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. We've got a bit of a situation, which is why I've asked Officer Swanson to join us. It appears Chris sent an inappropriate photo of himself to one of his classmates.
Joe: That's right. He texted a picture of his peenie.
Lois: Oh my God!
Principal Shepherd: And apparently the girl-
Peter: Oh, thank God.

Tom: Coming up, teleprompter puts the period in a weird. place

[Chris visits Quagmire]
Quagmire: Hey, Chris. I see you walked across the grass again instead of using the walk. You're really wearing a path aren't you? We call that "Chris' trail" right there. Chris' trail.

Chris: Hey, can I ring your doorbell?
Quagmire: No, I'd rather you...
[Chris rings the doorbell and one of Quagmire's cats runs out]
Quagmire: That's why no, Chris! That's why no!

Chris: I don't have to do anything besides get to the windchime store before it closes.
Peter: There can't be a whole store.
Chris: To be fair, they also have a couple of kaleidoscopes.
Peter: Aw, can I come? Lois, can I go to the store with that thing?

Brian: Look, I'm just happy you pushed me because now, I can't wait for that tournament.
Stewie: I know, it's gonna be great and I already know exactly where I'm gonna put that trophy!
[Cutaway to an X-Ray of Stewie with the trophy shoved up his ass]
Doctor 1: So the baby died?
Doctor 2: Yeah, the baby died but look, first place.

[Stewie hits a tennis ball out of the court]
Referee: Out!
Stewie: What?
Referee: Your ball was long.
Stewie: [angry] Are you shitting me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalise us because you're a blind, fucking, blue jacket piece of shit?!
Brian: Stewie, calm down!
Stewie: I will drop you to your knees and shove my racket so far down your throat, you'll be shitting my grip for a week!
Referee: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
Stewie: Oh, you're warning me? I'm warning you! I'm gonna go to your house and fuck your wife!
[Stewie and Brian get kicked out of the Tennis Club and Stewie lashes out at the security guard]
Stewie: You proud of yourself? Tennis Club security guard? Your kids look up to you? Big man, throwing out a baby and a dog. Tough guy. Maybe I'll see you later when you don't have that name tag on.
Security Guard: I thought your shot was in.
Stewie: [happy] Oh, hey! Pound it, dude!

Marcy: Wow, that was really something.
Chris: Marcy?
Marcy: I had no idea you were such an amazing tutor and I really like your pendant.
Chris: Thanks, but, why are you being so nice to me? You got me in so much trouble before.
Marcy: Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. That was just my dumb, overprotective dad.
Chris: Really?
Marcy: Yeah. He took my phone to look at pictures of my friends and he found the one you sent.
Chris: I bet that caught him by surprise.
Marcy: Definitely.
Chris: Well, I hope you know, that's not who I am anymore.
Marcy: I do and I hope I didn't cause too much trouble.
[Marcy touches Chris' arm and a cutaway shows people working in a furnace building in Chris' pants, resembling his penis]
Boss: This is not a drill! I repeat, not a drill!
[Two workers start shoveling coal into the furnace]
Unnamed Worker: Good to be back doing this again, huh, Bill?
Bill: What? Shoveling coal into a penis? I was sleeping.

Lois: Well, Chris, you killed that librarian, but we're glad to have you back to your old self.
Meg: Mrs. LaPorter worked at that school for 54 years.
Peter: Well, at least she saw a little wang before taking that dirt nap.

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