[For the complete script, see: "An App a Day" at the Transcripts Wiki]
- [Quagmire is arguing with the other guys about the name of a song]
- Cleveland: Guys, calm down. There's one way to solve this. I'll just use my phone.
- [Cleveland samples the song]
- Cleveland: It says ""Around the World", by Daft Punk."
- Quagmire: Thank you! God, you idiots are exhausting.
- Peter: Hey Cleveland, how'd you do that with your phone?
- Joe: I am not an idiot.
- Cleveland: I used Shazam. It recognizes songs and tells you their names.
- Peter: Yeah? Hey, what if I farted into it?
- Cleveland: I don't know. Be my guest.
- [Peter farts into it]
- Peter: It says "Lana Del Rey."
- Lois: What are you doing?
- Peter: Well, I just found out about these things called Apps, so that's kind of all I do now.
- [Peter and Lois are deplaning in Hawaii and are presented a lei from a local woman]
- Peter: Okay, before you do anything else, I'm deathly allergic to pineapple, pork, rum, macadamia nuts, stupid tiny guitars, overpriced golf, sentimental military stuff, lava, people who I can't tell are black or Asian, apostrophes, anyone twirling flames, second weddings, and linen pants.
- Hawaiian woman: Is there anything you're not allergic to?
- Peter: Yeah, the Epcot Center, where I wanted to go.
- Principal Shepherd: Thank you for coming Mr. and Mrs. Griffin. We've got a bit of a situation, which is why I've asked Officer Swanson to join us. It appears Chris sent an inappropriate photo of himself to one of his classmates.
- Joe: That's right. He texted a picture of his peenie.
- Lois: Oh my God!
- Principal Shepherd: And apparently the girl-
- Peter: Oh, thank God.
- Tom: Coming up, teleprompter puts the period in a weird. place
- [Chris visits Quagmire]
- Quagmire: Hey, Chris. I see you walked across the grass again instead of using the walk. You're really wearing a path aren't you? We call that "Chris' trail" right there. Chris' trail.
- Chris: Hey, can I ring your doorbell?
- Quagmire: No, I'd rather you...
- [Chris rings the doorbell and one of Quagmire's cats runs out]
- Quagmire: That's why no, Chris! That's why no!
- Chris: I don't have to do anything besides get to the windchime store before it closes.
- Peter: There can't be a whole store.
- Chris: To be fair, they also have a couple of kaleidoscopes.
- Peter: Aw, can I come? Lois, can I go to the store with that thing?
- Brian: Look, I'm just happy you pushed me because now, I can't wait for that tournament.
- Stewie: I know, it's gonna be great and I already know exactly where I'm gonna put that trophy!
- [Cutaway to an X-Ray of Stewie with the trophy shoved up his ass]
- Doctor 1: So the baby died?
- Doctor 2: Yeah, the baby died but look, first place.
- [Stewie hits a tennis ball out of the court]
- Referee: Out!
- Stewie: What?
- Referee: Your ball was long.
- Stewie: [angry] Are you shitting me? That thing was in! You're gonna penalise us because you're a blind, fucking, blue jacket piece of shit?!
- Brian: Stewie, calm down!
- Stewie: I will drop you to your knees and shove my racket so far down your throat, you'll be shitting my grip for a week!
- Referee: Warning, Mr. Griffin.
- Stewie: Oh, you're warning me? I'm warning you! I'm gonna go to your house and fuck your wife!
- [Stewie and Brian get kicked out of the Tennis Club and Stewie lashes out at the security guard]
- Stewie: You proud of yourself? Tennis Club security guard? Your kids look up to you? Big man, throwing out a baby and a dog. Tough guy. Maybe I'll see you later when you don't have that name tag on.
- Security Guard: I thought your shot was in.
- Stewie: [happy] Oh, hey! Pound it, dude!
- Marcy: Wow, that was really something.
- Chris: Marcy?
- Marcy: I had no idea you were such an amazing tutor and I really like your pendant.
- Chris: Thanks, but, why are you being so nice to me? You got me in so much trouble before.
- Marcy: Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. That was just my dumb, overprotective dad.
- Chris: Really?
- Marcy: Yeah. He took my phone to look at pictures of my friends and he found the one you sent.
- Chris: I bet that caught him by surprise.
- Marcy: Definitely.
- Chris: Well, I hope you know, that's not who I am anymore.
- Marcy: I do and I hope I didn't cause too much trouble.
- [Marcy touches Chris' arm and a cutaway shows people working in a furnace building in Chris' pants, resembling his penis]
- Boss: This is not a drill! I repeat, not a drill!
- [Two workers start shoveling coal into the furnace]
- Unnamed Worker: Good to be back doing this again, huh, Bill?
- Bill: What? Shoveling coal into a penis? I was sleeping.
- Lois: Well, Chris, you killed that librarian, but we're glad to have you back to your old self.
- Meg: Mrs. LaPorter worked at that school for 54 years.
- Peter: Well, at least she saw a little wang before taking that dirt nap.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// An App a Day's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 13 | Family Guy Season 14 | Season 15 >> | ||||||
| #01 | Pilling Them Softly | #08 | Brokeback Swanson | #15 | A Lot Going On Upstairs | |||
| #02 | Papa Has A Rollin' Son | #09 | A Shot in the Dark | #16 | The Heartbreak Dog | |||
| #03 | Guy, Robot | #10 | Candy Quahog Marshmallow! | #17 | Take a Letter | |||
| #04 | Peternormal Activity | #11 | The Peanut Butter Kid | #18 | The New Adventures of Old Tom | |||
| #05 | Peter, Chris, & Brian | #12 | Scammed Yankees | #19 | Run, Chris, Run | |||
| #06 | Peter's Sister | #13 | An App a Day | #20 | Road to India | |||
| #07 | Hot Pocket-Dial | #14 | Underage Peter |
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