[For a complete script, see: "And Then There's Fraud" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Lois: Chris, you've hardly touched your food.
Chris: Mom, are you a scientist?
Lois: No?
Chris: Then quit putting me under a fucking microscope!

Peter: Ah, there you are. Boy, does it feel good to walk into the right house.

[Two flies try to go to some dog poop but are blocked by a bouncer]
Bouncer Fly: Sorry, gentlemen. The dog poop is full.
[Two female flies fly up]
Bounder Fly: Come on in, ladies.

Brian: Why is Meg here?
Stewie: Eh, something happened last week and she can't be left alone ... like legally.
[Meg tries to wander off]
Lois: Meg, where you going? Come on, Meg. You gotta stay by me.
Meg: I wasn't gunna do anything!
Lois: Look, it's just a few months.

Stewie: Meg wandered off, that may end up being a problem.

[A frustrated single father takes care of his bratty kid in a museum]
Holden: I want the museum with the pumpkins!
Holden's Dad: That's the pumpkin patch! It's gone!
[Holden lays down and starts crying and throwing a fit in public]
Holden's Dad: Get up, Holden ... Holden? Get. Up. ... GET UP! GOD! ... Get up and we'll get a toy.
Holden: Yay!
[Holden's dad sees the other parents looking at him]
Holden's Dad: I'M DOING THE BEST I CAN!

[Two sober Irishmen are at Fenway Park]
Irishman #1: I just got my thirty minute chip.
Irishman #2: Well done, lad. Here's to ya.
[The Irishmen drink]
Irishman #1: Oh well, Finnegan begin again.

Chris: Alright, dad. Got my ball ready in case Xander hits a glove our way.
Peter: Okay. Gotta talk more sports with you.

Brian: Uhp, there's Meg. She's wandering outside. She shouldn't be doing that, right?
[Brian goes up to the window, where Meg's walking outside]
Brian: Meg? Come back inside. You're not in trouble. Just come back inside.
Stewie: She should be in her room, thinking about what she did.

Chris: Thanks for taking me to the baseball game, dad. It was so fun to watch the basketball game on the phone of the guy in front of us.
Peter: Yeah, I like that people are never doing what they're doing.

Peter: Hey, Chris. What are you up to?
Chris: Just finishing our fake memorabilia website.
Peter: What's this now?
Chris: From last night. It was your idea.
Peter: Oh, I was blacked out.
Chris: YOU DROVE US HOME!
Peter: Yeah, with the window open.

Peter: Hey, Meg, sweetie. Where's your hallway buddy?
Meg: Dad, I'm fine!
Peter: I know. You're fine. I'm fine. We're all fine. It's just I'm gunna need you to find your hallway buddy. Kay? That's a good girl, thank you.

[Stewie gets a facelift to look younger]
Stewie: Oh my God. My new look is working. I'm back into months!

[Peter tries to use the bathroom at Joe's house, which is treated like a gas station]
Joe The bathroom code is 6648261035549.
Peter: Could you ... Could you say that again?
Joe: You've gotta buy another pack of gum.
Peter: [sigh]
[Peter buys another back of gum]
Joe: 6648261035549.
Peter: Okay, 66482 ... What ... What's the rest?
Joe: Here, let me have Tommy Tutone sing it for you.
[Tommy Heath of Tommy Tutone shows up]
Tommy Heath: [to the the of 867-5309/Jenny] 6648261035549!
Peter: [singing] 6648261035549! I got it!
Chris: [singing] He got it!
Peter: [singing] I got it!

Peter: This is O.J. Simpson's Heisman trophy.
Chris: [whispering] Are you crazy!? You shouldn't claim to have that!
Peter: Relax, it's fine. What are the chances he tries to steal it back, twice.
[Peter and Chris end up, brutally decapitated and drenched in blood]
Peter: Hey. Did he sign your head?
Chris: No.
Peter: He signed my head.

[After returning from an extremely long cutaway gag about The Hudson Brothers, Peter and Quagmire are extremely old]
Peter: We'll be right back.

Chris: Oh, boy, we are screwed. If Mr. Quagmire ever finds out that's just The Skipper's hat from our Skipper and Gilligan Halloween costume last year ...
Peter: You sold him my Skipper hat?
[Peter tries to hit Chris with the hat but isn't holding it]
Peter: Damn it, I need the hat.

Peter: What are we gunna do?
Chris: Well, we definitely shouldn't kill him, dad ... Right? ... That's not an option?

[Peter and Chris work on getting fake identities]
Peter: Chris, you are now Colin Parmesan of Athens, Greece. You sell prosthetic ears to veterans.
Chris: Got it.
Peter: Would you like any more details?
Chris: Dad, I'm an ear salesman. I got it.

[Cleveland hears about Sully Sullenberger and doesn't know who he is]
Cleveland: Is this someone white people know?

[Cleveland shows a picture of Sully from Monster's Inc.]
Cleveland: Is this the guy we're talking about?

Brian: Dr. Hartman, where'd you get your medical degree from?
Dr. Hartman: I went to BU. You know our fight song, right? [singing to the tune of "For Boston"] Doi doi doi doi doi. Doi doi doi doi doi doi!

Quagmire: It is an honor to meet you sir and it was an honor to purchase the actual hat you wore on that fateful day. You know, I'm a pilot, myself.
Sully: Oh, you are? What's your record for longest "Uh"?
Quagmire: 11 seconds.
Sully: Let's hear it.
Quagmire: Folks from the tower, uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, they've cleared us to push back. We'll be departing shortly.
Sully: Hey, that's great. My personal best is 34 seconds.
Quagmire: 34 seconds in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I know. The Tulsa "uh". As I said, big fan.

Peter: I can't believe it. Sully didn't tell him the hat was fake.
Chris: Well, he's not that smart. He did crash a plane.

Peter: Excuse me, uh, Captain Sullenberger. I was just wondering why you pretended that was your real hat just then.
Sully: Well, Peter ...
Peter: [suspicious] I never said my name.

Sully: You have to believe in yourself. I didn't think I could land my plane in the Hudson but I believed I could and that belief gave me the courage to try. So, if that man believes he has my hat, maybe that will make him a little bit better husband.
Peter: Nope.
Sully: Little better dad?
Peter: Nope.
Sully: Little better sex character who doesn't play as well in the #MeToo era.
Peter: Oh, so you do watch the show.
Sully: It's on ... It's on a lot of planes. All I know is I didn't save 155 souls on the Hudson just to shatter dreams on land.

Peter: Well, Chris, I guess we learned our lesson about selling phony memorabilia.
Chris: Did we? We never got caught and we actually made some money.
Peter: Oh, yeah. You're right.

[Meg escapes into the wild and passes by some beavers in an icy cold river]
Beaver: [horrified] Hey, Meg. Where's your creek buddy? You're not in any trouble, you just need a creek buddy!

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