Joe: Well, I got this invitation that said they were having a dinner in my honor. I assume it was for all those arrests I made last month.
Peter: Eh, that's weird. My invitation said it would be in my honor. I assume it was for being able to fart the alphabet, which I was able to do 'til I pooped on the "s". Aw, well, everybody on the bus was upset long before that anyway.
Consuela: [greeting each resident as they walk in the mansion] Meester Peter. Meester Joe. Meester Bonnie.
Stewie: [to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.
Consuela: Meester Mort. Meester Muriel. Mayor West Meester.
Stewie: Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts.
Brian: No one's even looking at you.
Stewie: That's exactly what I mean! The fact that nobody has said anything makes it even more obvious that everyone has noticed.
Peter: [wearing a suit of armor] Brian, Look what I found! Check it out, I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on, I'm coming down. Go, go gadget skis! [trips down the stairs, slips, sending Joe to roll backwards into a table which knocks him out cold and breaks a vase on him] Uh-oh.
Peter: Alright, since I'm the one who knocked Joe out, I believe it is my responsibility to take over the investigation.
Brian: I...I don't see how that follows.
Peter: Oh, it does follow! For I'm the one with a giant magnifying glass. [puts a magnifying glass in front of his eye] Is my eye big?
Peter: Good...good...That means progress.
Diane: What about the old guy? I heard him complaining about Woods in the dining room.
Herbert: That's true. He replaced my Cialis with methamphetamines!
Boy 1: Peddle faster!
Boy 2: I can't go any faster!
Herbert: Where ya goin', kids? Hey, I just wanna talk to ya. Why don't you come over to my place for a glass of wine and a couple of fruit pies so then we can go the back room and play Crazy Snakes? Eheheeheheheh!
[after a bookshelf moves revealing a secret room]
Stewie: Eh, my secret room's bigger.
Herbert: Mine's smaller.
[Jillian and Derek check the attic and a black cat jumps out at them]
Jillian: Hey, maybe that cat's the murderer. I'll ask him. Meow meow meow? Meow, meow-meow, meow?
Cat: We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.
Cat: I should imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some papers to correct.
[Stewie stands on a balcony with a sniper, revealing him to be the one who killed Diane Simmons, saving Lois]
Stewie: If anybody's gonna take that bitch down, it's gonna be me.
Muriel: I'm not saying another word 'til I talk to my lawyer, because...why is he wearing shorts?
Stewie: [to Brian] Oh, my God, I told you!
Quagmire: Wait a minute... something's not right here. We're short one vagina in this room!
Diane Simmons: Oh really, But, I was enjoying our talk.
Lois Griffin: Oho, no so was I. But you know I really I should, I should go.
Diane Simmons: No! I don't think so.
Lois Griffin: Oh my God, Oh my God it was you! You're the killer!
Diane Simmons: You shouldn't have stopped to say hi to me. You would've lived longer.
Lois: God, why do I ever try to be friends with other women?
Peter: [reading James Woods' diary] Bonnie, he punched you in the throat and that's why you sound like that?
Bonnie: No, he punched me in the throat because I sound like this.
Stewie: You know, despite all the craziness this weekend, I feel like a lot of people were looking at me like I was really attractive. Which makes me think that I'm gonna grow up to be good-looking.
Brian: What part of that statement is supposed to lure me into a conversation?
Stewie: I talk to you about wet tennis balls!
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: We're in a fight!
Joe: Just for that, when the movie of this story comes out, I'm gonna make sure Adrien Brody plays you.
Tom Tucker: I guess that means you don't want anyone to see it.
Peter: Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants?
Quagmire: Oh, God.
Adam West: They're huge!
Stewie: Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Lois: [laughs] Look, it's got flowers! Ha, I mean, why bother? Who's gonna see 'em?
Chris: Maybe someone in space.
[Everyone starts laughing]
Quagmire: Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?
Derek: Hey, Peter, look at this. I'm getting a faint signal on my cell phone.
Peter: [looks at the cell phone] Really? Oh, my God, is that... Are you holding up the whole Hollywood sign?
Derek: [chuckles] No, no, no, no. The sign was way in the background. I was standing in the foreground going like this when Jillian took the picture, so by forced perspective, it looks like I'm holding up the whole sign.
Peter: I don't believe you. I think you are a god. And I will die for you or kill others.
Derek: Damn it. The signal's gone. If I can get up to the roof or something, maybe I can get a stronger signal and call the police.
Peter: Okay. [grabs Brian] And I will skin this dog in your honor.
Derek: Please don't.
Peter: [releases Brian] As you wish.
Quagmire: [about Priscilla] Yeah besides, she's hot! Hot chicks are never crazy!
Peter: Derek lifted up the Hollywood sign. [a huge argument breaks out] He did too! I saw the picture!!!
Derek: Hey, what are you doing up here? Wait a minute...What the hell is this?! Oh my God...it's YOU! The man or woman who's been killing everybody!
[Derek has just been murdered]
Peter: Hey, can you grab his phone? I wanna prove something to these guys.
Mort: [after finding his wife murdered] Oh, my God, Muriel! My sweet Muriel! She was so young. She was so beauti...She was so genero...uh, we were married.
Tom Tucker: Muriel?
Diane Simmons: Oh, yeah, like she's going to answer you, Tom.
Tom Tucker: And here we go with the attitude. This is why you're single.
Diane Simmons: Oh, so I'm not supposed to point out when you do something stupid?
Tom Tucker: You hear that? You hear that tone you're using? That's penis repellent right there.
Peter: All right, let's split up and search the house. I'll go with Lois. Chris, you check the basement with Herbert. [Herbert quickly springs over to Chris] Meg, you go with Brian and Stewie.
Stewie: Uh, no, she..she can't.
Brian: Yeah, uh, she can't. We...we...we were gonna use this time, uh...to figure out what to get you for your birthday.
Peter: Ooh, ah, okay. Oh, yeah, no, you guys go. You guys...ooh, now I'm excited. Um, okay, um, Meg, you go with Carl. Sorry, Carl. Tom and Diane, you're a team. Quagmire and Bonnie, you're a team. Um...Seamus and Dr. Hartman? That-that could be funny. Don't usually see the two of you together. Uh, Derek and Jillian, you guys take the attic. Joe and Priscilla are still passed out, so they'll be the unconscious team. And that leaves one three-person team of Mort, Consuela, and Mayor West. All right. Let's do this.
[as everyone else leaves]
Mayor West: So, uh... [takes out a joint] You guys like to party?
Mort: [gasps] No!
Consuela: Oh, no!
Mayor West: Oh, what a bunch of squares! Squaresville, I tell ya!!
[After James Woods is murdered]
Peter: So James Woods murdered Stephanie, and then he murdered himself. Criss-cross.
Joe: No, Peter, don't you see? He didn't kill himself, and he didn't kill Stephanie.
Peter: What are you saying?
Joe: I'm saying James Woods isn't the murderer. The murderer...is one of us! [Everyone gasps] And someone ate the last goat cheese tartlet.
[Everyone outrageously complains]
Peter: Now I hope I die next!
James Woods: Sorry, I was in the bathroom and...I couldn't stop looking at my penis because it's...you know...so fantastic.
Peter: You're a mo...Yeah, I heard it's fantastic...You're a monster, James Woods! You think you can just commit murder and get away with it?! Quagmire loved that girl!
Jillian: Who's he?
Derek: James Woods.
Jillian: Oh, I thought he was a shark.
Derek: No, he was a on a show called Shark.
Jillian: But he's made of wood?
Derek: No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
Brian: Boy, it's kinda awkward seeing Jillian here with Derek. I wonder if she's thinking about me.
Stewie: I don't know, are you a pony or the color blue?
Jillian: [Scene shows Jillian thinking about a blue pony. She laughs at the pony in the thought bubble] Derek, look!
Derek: [not paying attention] Ha, what do know about that?
Herbert: Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose. If I should die, I-I just want you to know that they might find some things...Strange things. Things that...don't make sense to ya.
Chris: Um, okay...
Herbert: And there's gonna be a lotta talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know from me, it's all gonna be out of context.
Chris: I don't know what that means.
Herbert: IT MEANS IF I DIE, YOU GOTTA BURN MY HOUSE DOWN!!!
Carl: Looks like I'm all alone. Well, it's all right. I watch a lot of movies, I can just use my imagination.
Stuffed Bear from "The Great Outdoors": Hi, Carl.
Carl: Hey, bear. So, um, in the bear world, are, like, pandas your version of interracial children?
Stuffed Bear from "The Great Outdoors": Yeah, pandas aren't something I agree with.
Carl: They're cute, though, right?
Stuffed Bear from "The Great Outdoors": Just when they're babies.
Bonnie: Have you seen any sign of Muriel?
Peter: Oh, why didn't I think of this before? I should just check my "Find a Jew" app on my phone. [takes out his phone, which shows a map of the United States with two clusters of red dots surrounding the lower New York area and the lower California area] Huh, it's just two big clusters on each side of the country. [scans down to reveal a red dot in southern Texas] Oh, wait, there's one down south! [the dot disappears] Oh, they got 'im.
Lois: Wait a minute! W...Where's Meg?!
Derek: And where's Tom Tucker?
Tom: Right here!
Diane: Oh my God, what happened?
Meg: I fell through a trapdoor that led to an underground passageway. So I followed it and it led me to a hatchet over there in the parlor.
Tom: The same thing happened to me, but with a mustache.
Peter: Look, we're going and that's that. I'm going rsvp.
Lois: You mean RSVP?
Peter: Hillary Clinton's the VP.
Meg: No, she's Secretary of State.
Peter: Rhode Island.
Brian: I don't understand what's happening.
Peter: We're going to a party.
Peter: Wait, who the hell lives all the way out here, huh? Lois? Oh, you're asleep. Kids? Anybody awake? Just me? Huh? Oh. I'm the only one awake. Just me. Peter. I can whatever I want. Maybe I'll try out some of my funny voices. [cowboy voice] Hi, partner, I'm a cattle rustler. I rustle cattle. [normal, quiet] Oh well, that's turning out good. Gotta use that. [Cockney accent] Oi. Oi, oi, mate. It sure is not so very nice in this part of London. [normal, bored] Oh, wow, that one's really good. Go ahead and keep one to myself. How bad would I kick myself if someone ran off and made millions with that? I ain't no dummy. Hey, uh...[high-pitch voice] Hey, hey, everybody. Hey, there. [normal, happy] Aww, what's this one? Who's this guy? [high pitch] W...who am I? I need a character. I need a back story. I'm a...I'm a pieman. I sell pies. [normal] Oh man, see, this is why I wish I had more time myself. I know these are good because I'm my toughest critic.
Chris: Dad, are we almost there?
Peter: [quiet] Shit. [normal] Uh, yeah. According to the map, we're pretty close.
Mayor West: I know what you're all thinkin', but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.
[Quahog City Hall, West's Office. The "Mayor-O-Matic 5000" consists of a broom, a birthday plate drawn for a face, and a tape machine]
West: [on machine] Take my letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.
Seamus: You watch NCIS?
Herbert: Uh, yes, sir. Yes, I do.
Seamus: CBS knows what we want.
Herbert: Yeah, they get our generation.
Seamus: They do. They really do. I switch over for the Leno though.
Herbert: Yeah, me too. I'm glad he's back. I don't know who that month-old jack o' lantern was, but I didn't get this brand of humor.
Carl: No Way Out, great film. Sean Young naked in the limo.
Lois: We should have known this was coming. There's been three days of thunder.
Carl: Tom Cruise, race cars. Those are my bed sheets.
Peter: Oh, my God! I just realized something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next! [returns to cowboy voice] Well, I reckon if I was a cattle rustler, I wouldn't be afraid.
Lois: [delighted] Oh, Peter, that's good.
Peter: I know, Lois.
Brian: Alright, let's figure out what we know here. The gun was meant to kill Jimmy Woods, but Stephanie got in the way. So the murderer had to improvise and finish the job by stabbing Jimmy Woods.
Peter: [confused] What? What? What is that?
Peter: Don't call him Jimmy Woods like you're in the Hollywood set.
Stewie: Yeah, Brian did one TV pilot and he thinks he can call the star of Cape Fear Bobby De Niro. Hey, who's the director, Brian?
Brian: Donnie Johnny, Philly Mikey Tommy, and Eddie Jimmy Olmos.
Stewie: Ugh. You are...You are just douchey to the core.
Brian: Look, whoever the killer is, they had a reason for wanting James Woods dead. Now, who here has a motive?
Tom: So, I turned it down, and now this Robert Englund is the talk of the town. That should be me everyone's talkin' about!
[cutaway to an industrial area]
Teen: Oh my God, you guys, we must've fallen asleep. We're in a dream right now!
Tom: [as Krueger] That's right, you are in a dream, children; which means you are going to get something of a serious scratching by me. Freddy Krueger. Ha, ha. [breaks character] Is it... Is it Krueger?
West: But you hated him too, Dr. Hartman.
Dr. Hartman: He switched around all the bones on the skeleton in my office. I don't know what's what anymore.
[cutaway to Dr. Hartman's office]
Hartman: Let's take a look at that wrist injury. [grabs her leg]
Woman: That's my foot, not my hand. [Hartman checks behind him an irregular skeleton]
Hartman: [enraged] Woods!
Hartman: Sure, I hated him, but so did Mort.
Mort: He's terrible. He took a Penthouse into the pharmacy bathroom and left this little handy work in the sink. He's a dirt bag, but I didn't kill him. Maybe it was Diane.
Peter: Hey, wait a minute. What about those two European guys? They really hated James Woods. Boy, where the hell are they?
[cutaway to Tomik and Bellgarde's apartment]
Tomik: Oh, we've been invited to a party in our honors, but it was for this week after's.
Bellgarde: Well, why aren't we there?
Tomik: It was wedged in our post pail.
Peter: [reads more of Woods' diary] Ooh, he also has a list of good restaurants and motels up and down the Eastern Seaboard.
Lois: Peter, one of the people in this room is a murderer!
Peter: And 19 of us are not, and maybe we wanna know a good bed and breakfast in Maine.
Mort: Oh, Muriel, tell me this isn't true.
Muriel: I overcharged him.
Mort: I forgive you.
Muriel: Look, why would I kill him anyway? He told us he was here to make amends.
Derek: But there was a chance he'd blab, wasn't there?
Brian: Muriel? [opens next door] Muriel? Muriel? [sniffs] Nothing.
Stewie: Well, you actually know what she smells like?
Brian: I know what everybody smells like.
Brian: You know, I..have to admit, before this Muriel thing, I...I thought you might be the murderer.
Stewie: Oh, my God! So insulted. Y... Trust me, if this were my work, it would be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods?
Stewie: I would have electrocuted him causing a temporary paralysis, and while he was still conscious but unable to move, I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine slowly, hand over hand like a fancy magician scarf trick; then I would fashion the intestine in a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas stocking stuffer...and then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace, I'd point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?", and stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forget to tell you, he picked a card earlier.
Brian: Wow! You're an artist.
Stewie: Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up.
[Seamus and Dr. Hartman open a door to a kitchen, as they walk steps into the darkness]
Seamus: Be careful. Muriel could be in any one of these pantries. [he takes right and Hartman takes left]
[back of Seamus. As he walks forward, a grunt is heard and he looks behind. In first-person perspective*, Hartman is disappeared out of sight]
Seamus: Dr. Hartman? Doctor? [worried] Okay, quit messing around. Dr. Hartman, this isn't funny.
[Seamus, walks toward to a metallic door. As he approaches, he twists the handle and opens]
Seamus: That's so not funny. Now I gotta empty my pants. [pulls down his pants, and about 20 shells fall out]
Hartman: What's that?
Seamus: Acorns, that's what I said.
Hartman: We sound too much alike.
Seamus: I know.
Peter: Alright, let's do a head count and make sure we're all here. Everyone, check in by team name and I hope you all came up with cool team names.
Quagmire: The Bushmen are here.
Seamus: The Pirates are here.
Carl: The Tigers are here.
West: We're also the Tigers.
Tom: We're called Bad News.
Stewie: We're Lilo and Stitch.
Herbert: We're Boyz II Men.
Lois: Do you really think it would work, Derek?
Derek: There's only one way to find out.
Jillian: I'll come with you.
Derek: No, it's too dangerous... especially with Derek Jr. on the way.
Derek: Ha-ha! I know, I know. It's a little early to announce it but you're all friends. Except one of you who's killing the rest of us. But everyone else is their friend.
Lois: Oh, congratulations, Jillian.
Jillian: I know. I'm eating number two now.
Derek: Eating for two, honey. I'll be back.
Consuela: Is very important award.
Stewie: No, no, a...a...actually, if I can clarify this, it's not a very important award. Okay? [to the viewers] Here's how the Golden Globes work. You want a Golden Globe? All you gotta do is take a member of the Foreign Press out to lunch and they'll vote for you. Hmm? That's all you gotta do. A...a...and there's only like 30 guys in the Foreign Press, so it...it...it's relatively easy to buy to buy one of those things, okay? You with me, America? You with me? So let's...So let's just shut the fuck up about the prestige of these damn things, because, you know, it's just...It's a sale, you know? I mean, y...you might as well walk into a Zales and say: "Hey, file me up one of these and I'll pay you the price of a bacon burger." Okay? W...w...we all clear on what the Golden Globes are? Alright? Now, that said, if anyone from the Paris Observer would like to have lunch, it's on me. Ha, ha.
Peter: Guys, uh, we're stoppin' at the bathroom first, okay? So if you're not comfortable with me as a person, please circulate yourselves to the outer edges of the group.
Peter: Alright, here we go. Stand back, I got a full bladder.
Quagmire: Hey, Peter, I gotta go too. You wanna have a sword fight?
West: Ooh, I want in on that.
Carl: Me too.
Consuela: Is okay, I clean.
West: Nice work, Swanson.
Joe: Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
[camera cuts to next scene]
Hartman: Well, it just goes to prove even the most trusted member of our community can snap and become a psychotic killer.
Herbert: Yeah, you just never know who's lurking out there in your neighborhood.
Seamus: When we all see each other at school on Monday, are we still gonna be friends?