[To start a complete script, see: "April in Quahog" at the Transcripts Wiki]
[on the news with Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons]
Tom: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight, scientists at NASA have made a fascinating new discovery: the first directly observable instance of a black hole, which appears to be located just outside our solar system. Tricia Takanawa has the story.
[cut to Tricia Takanawa with Stephen Hawking]
Tricia: Tom, I'm standing here with Stephen Hawking, the first white man I've ever met who knows math better than me. [to Stephen Hawking] Mr. Hawkins, what does the discovery of this black hole mean to you and your research?
Stephen Hawking: [in a computerized voice] I am overjoyed. This is the crowning achievement of my career. It validates the work of a lifetime.
Tricia: It certainly does. Back to you, Tom.
Man: [off-screen] All right, we're clear.
Stephen: [standing up from his wheelchair, throwing something from his ear and talking in a normal voice] I'm telling you, man, this shtick is getting so old. That chair smells, dude.
Man #2: [off-screen] Hey, Steve, surf's up! [tosses a surfboard to Stephen]
Stephen: All right! [to Tricia] See you, bitch!
Man #2: [off-screen] Hey, Steve, surf's up! [tosses a surfboard to Stephen]
Stephen: Bitchin'! [to Tricia] See you, ching chong.
[Peter enters the house and confronts his family]
Peter: Everyone, guess what.
Peter: I have been selected.
Brian: For what?
Peter: Oh, nothing too important, just jury duty! They have summoned me. I am part of an elite group of individuals deemed intelligent enough to decide the fate of a fellow citizen.
Peter: Ah, the amused laughter of the envious. You know, they don't just pick anybody for this job.
Brian: Yeah they do.
Peter: Brian, perhaps I have not made myself clear. I have been entrusted to pass judgment upon others.
Brian: Everybody gets called for jury duty, you stupid idiot! I've been called! The only reason you've never been called is that they use the voter registration list, and this past election is the first time you ever voted.
Peter: I voted before. I stuffed the ballot box at the Oscars.
[cut to the Oscars]
Anne Hathaway: And the nominees for Best Actor in a Leading Role are: Grover from Sesame Street, Bluto from Popeye, a red guy, a boob, and Daniel Day Lewis. And the Oscar goes to...a red guy.
Peter: Wait a second. Y-You're saying that everyone is asked to do jury duty?
Lois: Yes, Peter.
Peter: So then, I'm not special?
Man: [off-screen] Everyone's special, Peter.
[the camera zooms out revealing Tommy Lee]
Peter: Rock drummer Tommy Lee?!
Tommy Lee: And if your wife ever tells you that you're not special, punch her really hard right in her hepatitis.
Peter: Thanks, Rock Drummer Tommy Lee!
Tommy: Hey, and you know what else is cool? Having sex with sunglasses on.
Peter: I've got a lot of things to try now!
[at the Drunken Clam, Peter is talking with Quagmire and Joe]
Peter: I don't want to go to jury duty. Turns out it's not a special honor at all. It's lame. And the worst part is, they try and trick you into getting excited by putting "duty" in the title.
Joe: So, you were excited when you thought there was fecal matter involved?
Peter: What the hell is fecal matter?
Joe: Peter, jury duty is an important cornerstone in our democratic society.
Quagmire: Yeah, that's what separates us from the monkeys. That and the armed guards at the zoo. [quietly] Man, they got some sexy monkeys down there.
Peter: I don't care, jury duty sounds boring. I'm gonna get myself kicked out. Just like I got kicked out of Coldplay.
[cut to Peter practicing with Coldplay]
Peter: Guys, guys, I got an idea! How 'bout we do a song that's not whiny bull crap?
[at the courthouse, Peter is sitting with the other people who are summon for jury duty in the jury box]
Man: All right, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna ask you a series of questions to determine whether or not you can be impartial jurors. First off, do any of you have any prejudices you feel the court should know of?
[Peter rises his hand]
Man: Yes, you sir.
Peter: Ants. I hate ants.
Peter: That's right, you heard me. I'm an ant hater. Just like my daddy and his daddy before him. So, if this is an ant trial, forget it. Now way I'm gonna be fair. Always making those cocky little hills. Moving around all single file and stupid. All ganging up and walking my pie off the picnic blanket.
[cut to Peter as ants take his pie away]
Peter: [gasps] 'Twas my pie gone missing!
Judge: All right, now the prosecution is about to show you items pertinent to this case that have been entered into evidence. It is vitally important that you look, but don't touch as any fingerprints could contaminate them.
Man: Exhibit A: One bloody Slinky.
Man: Exhibit B: One semen covered View-Master...
Man: ...with the reel of the Grand Canyon.
Man: And a blood-splattered Mr. Potato Head.
Man: And those socks you really need.
Lois: How was jury duty, Peter?
Peter: It sucked, Lois. Even the vending machines were out of order.
Brian: [wearing a pilot's helmet and goggles and wheezing a la Muttley from "Dastardly and Muttley and Their Flying Machines"] Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
Tom: This is Tom Tucker with some breaking news. NASA have made the alarming announcement that the newly discovered black hole at the edge of our solar system appears to be expanding. Neptune and Pluto have already been consumed and scientists estimate that the even horizon will reach Earth by tomorrow.
Diane: That's right, Tom. Which means that all life on Earth will be destroyed within 24 hours.
Lois: Oh my God!
Meg: Mom is... is this for real?
Lois: Well, it sure looks that way, sweetie.
Brian: It's... the end of the world.
Peter: Holy crap!
[A knock on the door is heard, and Chris answers the door and finds it is Herbert in his underwear]
Herbert: Seems like I've run out of waiting time.
Tom: But it looks like Nicole Richie's baby is gonna be just fine. Also, in the news, the doomsday clock is ticking with less than 19 hours to go before our planet is consumed by an expanding black hole. As Americans everywhere face their last day on Earth, one can only imagine how they're spending it.
[Jesus walks up to Mort's house and rings his doorbell and Mort answers the door]
Jesus Christ: Hey Mort. Now that the end of the world is here, i just wanted to say no hard feelings, huh?
[Jesus shakes Mort's hand, but is pranked by Jesus' joy buzzer]
Jesus: Psych! Ha-Ha! Embedded in the hand! Have fun where you're going.
Lois: Peter, where are you going?
Peter: Last day on Earth, last chance to do this. I'm going to go into the inner city and I'm going to yell the "N"-word.
[Return to the Griffins' kitchen, Peter is now in a regal outfit with a sash that says "King of the Black People"]
Peter: They respected me for saying it.
[Grandpa sitting on a chair telling his grandson about the old times]
Kid: Tell me about when you were young, Grandpa.
Grandpa: Oh, sonny, those were crazy times. My friends and I were out of control. We used to give each other wet-willies and funny-arms. We'd play dandy-balls and legs-a-spread and penis-butt.
Kid: Sounds kind of gay, Grandpa.
Grandpa: It was gay! Everyone was! But, back then we were called pole-fancies. It was real, good old-fashioned "grab the nearest tree and hold on for dear life" gay, not today's fancy, feather-bed, thread-count gay. People got hurt back then!
Kid: That's gay.
Grandpa: Yeah, it was pretty gay.
[Brian looks at the Channel 5 News on the TV after finding out the truth about the 'black hole' story]
Brian Griffin: You...dicks!
Peter: Morning assholes!
[While Peter is playing "Modern Warfare 2"]
Peter: Dammit! Ah, crap.
Player 1: Who's the douchebag who keeps dying?!
Peter: I'm not a douchebag! I'm new!
Player 2: Look, if you're no good, why don't you just go hide till the end?
Peter: All right, I'll go crouch behind the, uh...is this the crouch button?
[Peter accidentally throws a grenade into a car]
Player 3: Aww, who dropped a grenade?
Player 4: Idiot!
Player 5: Learn how to play!
Quagmire: You suck!
Peter: So, Chris, how are all your friends at school?
Chris: What do you care? You don't even know who my friends are!
Peter: Sure I do...Umm. Chandler, Fonzi... and Remington Steel?
Chris: You got lucky dad.
Peter: I am so fucking ready.
Stewie: Yeah that's right. You buy your kid ridiculously homoerotic dolls and then ask what happened. Yep, your gay son is on you, buddy. Explain that one to your God.