Peter: Quagmire, excuse my Wisconsin mouth but [in a Wisconsin accent] why the heck are you not drinking for cripes sake?

Quagmire: I'm on medication so I can't drink, okay? And I'm not gonna say what it's for I'll ..I'll just say the pharmacist whispers it to me.

Peter: Cleveland, I could kiss you!
Cleveland: My heart says yes but my lord says no.

Peter: Will there be fractions? I was told there would be no fractions.
Escape Room Guy: Well, whoever told you that was half right.
Peter: Huh?

Joe: Well, I don't know if we should be betting. Our family kind of has an unfair advantage, I mean,...I'm a detective.
Bonnie: No.
Joe: Kay.

Meg: Hey, Chris. You want an edible?
Chris: [shocked] MEG!...[happy] Yes!

Lois: Where do people leave their keys, when they come into a room?
Meg: [high] In the coat on the coat rack.


Cleveland: Everything on Groupon is just a trick to Get Out black people.

Stewie: The answer is obvious.
Brian: I know, totally ...
Stewie: ... Oh. Oh, you're waiting for me to keep going.

Bozo the Tax Accountant: Well, the good news is, since you do a sex advice podcast, which I really like, by the way, every time you [honks horn] it's a write-off.
Woman: Really?
Bozo the Tax Accountant: Oh, yeah and now just [honks horn] also [blows slide whistle] and even [flings jaw harp]
Woman: Are you kidding me?
Bozo the Tax Accountant: [pies himself in the face] Do I look like I'm kidding?

Chris: Mom! Dad! Brian's talking crap about you guys to Stewie.
Brian: What!? No I wasn't!
Meg: Yeah, he was. He said we were a bunch of basic bitches. It's kind of true, yo.

Peter: Are umpires not cool? I'm starting to feel foolish.

Waiter: That man over there, reading a book by himself has offered to pay for your meal if you move to a table outside.
Quagmire: [to himself] You're not the dick in this situation. You're paying for their meal so you can't be the dick.

Lois: Brian, I need your help with Stewie on the plane.
Brian: Sure, no problem.
Lois: The iPad's broken.
Brian: FUCK!

Priest: Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.
[Everyone shares a moment of silence]
Stewie: [offscreen] Poo poo!
Brian: [offscreen] No! We do not touch poo poo in this family! We do not touch poo poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there's no bubbles later.
Stewie: [offscreen] Yes! Bubbles!
Brian: [offscreen] No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.
Stewie: [offscreen] Yes! Bubbles!
Brian: [offscreen] Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.

Stewie: Yay! Bubbles!

[The bride and groom give Brian a dirty look]
Brian: [angry] WHAT!?

[Stewie turns into Pikachu]
Stewie: Stewie-chu!

[Brian changes Stewie's form to try and set him back to normal]
Brian: No. No. No.
[Stewie turns back to normal]
Stewie: Brian! You did it!
Brian: No.
[Brian changes Stewie again]

[Chris does weird sexual stuff with the vacuum cleaner, batteries, dish towels, and burgers]
Chris: You don't wanna be in here, dude.

Asian Guy: STEWIE!

Brian: Wish me luck, Flat Stanley.
Flat Stanley: Or you could just call me "Stanley". Not make fun of my body.

Stewie: By traveling back here, you've created a new timeline. For everything to revert back to normal, you have to drown your past self in the toilet.
[Brian's past self enters]
Brian: Hey, Stewie.
[Brian jumps on his past self and dunks him in the toilet]
Stewie: [alarmed] Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! No! No! Sorry! Sorry! I have it backwards!
Brian: What!?
Stewie: You're supposed to be drowning your future self. You came back. You're the new timeline.
Brian: Oh, come on!
Stewie: Hey, I said I'm smart. I'm not perfect.
[Brian lets his past self out]
Brian: Do it! Just do it!
[Past Brian drowns future Brian and Stewie counts on his fingers]
Stewie: ... Eh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, this is right.

Stewie: Well, that was fun but it didn't fill the whole episode, so in the Pixar tradition of killing time, here's a Family Guy short and don't worry, it won't be that creepy one where the Chinese mother eats her baby.

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