[For the complete script, see: "Barely Legal" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Peter, bring that giraffe back!
Peter: Alright, let's go, Alison Janney. Alison Janney?
[the giraffe's head is seen peeking into Quagmire's house]
Quagmire: [from inside the house] Mmm...good morning, honey. Oh, yeah, that feels so good. Wha-HEY HEY HEY!! What the hell?!?! You're not the same giraffe from last night! Get outta here!
[the giraffe runs backwards kicking its hind feet into Cleveland's house, Cleveland is, once again, taking a bath]
Cleveland: What the hell?!?! No no no no no NO!!! [crash!] I gotta stop takin' my baths during Peter's shenanigans.

Chris: Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg tie up Brian last night, put 'em in the truck of his car and drive away?
Lois: What?! Chris, why didn't you say anything?
Chris: I dropped a ball, I'm sorry. I have just been buried in paperwork for the past 72 hours.
Lois: Oh my god, Brian was right! Meg really must be obsessed with him! Oh Peter, we gotta find them!
Peter: Don't worry, Lois, we're the police. And we'll do our very best to find Brian and girl Chris.

Stewie: Oh, you got some pie, uh? Can I have a piece?
Brian: Uh, sure.
Stewie: Ooh, let me have some of that Cool Hwhip.
Brian: What'd you say?
Stewie: You can't have a pie without Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Hwhip?
Stewie: Cool Hwhip, ya.
Brian: You mean Cool Whip?
Stewie: Ya, Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're saying it weird, why are you putting so much emphasis on the H?
Stewie: What are you talking about? I'm just saying it,Cool Hwhip. You put Cool Hwhip on pie. Pie tastes better with Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Say Whip.
Stewie: Whip.
Brian: Now say Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: Cool Whip.
Stewie: Cool Hwhip.
Brian: You're eating hair!!
Stewie: PPFFTT!!!

Connie: You know, Meg, we don't allow dogs here, so you're gonna have to leave but Brian can stay.
Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no, just hold on a second. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started giving handjobs when you were twelve, but now you can't bear to look at yourself in a mirror because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that by the time your body's used up by age nineteen, you'll be a worn out chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want, how's that, am I in the ball park?

Brian: Look, you obviously didn't hear me yesterday so I'll explain it again. And here to assist me is the headmaster for the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Mr. Garret Morris. Meg, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend
Brian: I will never be attracted to you.
Brian: You're acting like a psycho bitch.
Brian: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[Brian walks out the door, Garret Morris disappears]
Meg: [grinds her teeth] I won't be ignored, Brian
[Garret Morris reappears]
Garret Morris: Ooh, I like your ass.

Joe: Brian, she's a teenager.
Peter: Yeah, Brian. You're doing the same thing that Mia Farrow did to that Chinaman that Woody Allen brought home from the circus.
Lois: Peter, hold on to that thought because I'm gonna explain to you when we get home all the things that are wrong with that statement.

Meg: Oh, just relax. We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: Well, I don't know if... Wait. What?
Meg: We're going to be here for a hwhile.
Brian: A hwhile?
Meg: Yeah, a hwhile.
Brian: You mean a while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: A hwhile.
Brian: A while.
Meg: Brian, you're acting hweird.
Brian: Oh, come on. That one doesn't even have an H in it.

Quagmire: Alright, ladies, you ready for action?
Girl: We sure are, Glenn. Do you have the hwhip?
Quagmire: Got it right he...Wait, what?

[The morning after Meg's dance, Stewie is sitting at the kitchen and Brian walks in hungover]
Stewie: Oh yes, the day can begin, good morning Brian. Now we can do this one of two ways, I can bust your balls to pieces right now, or we could spread it out over the course of the day.
Brian: I don't want to talk about it.
Stewie: Well I do, so tell me everything that happened at the dance.
Meg: Morning, cutie.
Brian: H...h...hey
Meg: I had so much fun last night, Brian. Hey, I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.
Brian: Uh..I..I don't think so.
Meg: Oh come on, who's a good boy? Who's a good boy huh? Who's a good boy?
Brian: Me...
Meg: Oh yes, yes, yes who's a good boy?
Brian: I am, I'm a good boy...uh...no no no...look..I..I..I..I got stuff to do today. Alright? Sorry.

Brian: I may have made out with Meg.
[Lois pauses and then punches Brian]
Brian: OK, I had that coming.
Lois: What the hell is wrong with you, you sick bastard?!
Brian: Look I was drinking..
Lois: Ohhh, what a shock!
Brian: [sarcastically laughs] Look the short version is, this morning she made me eat the hair in her pie. [Lois punches Brian again] No, it's not what you think. Stewie had some too. [Lois punches Brian again] Stop punching me!

Quagmire: What are you doing?
Joe: I'm watching Bonnie undress.
Cleveland: Bonnie's your wife.
Joe: I know, I like to watch her strip and pretend she's a woman who I've never met but who looks just like Bonnie and lives in my house. GET NAKED, YOU STRANGE WHORE!

Meg: My hair's in the pie, Brian. And now it's inside of you. Part of me is inside of you, Brian. Do you feel me, Brian? Do you feel me inside of you?

Brian: I think I may be gay. Um I saw this penis on the internet today, and thought to myself "Well, that's just fine!"

Brian: That kiss was just a mistake.
Meg: Oh no! Did I do something wrong? Was it because I didn't sniff your butt first?
Brian: What? No! I mean yes, that's how I know you were interested.

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