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in: Episodes, Season 18

Better Off Meg/Quotes

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[Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
Peter: Okay, Meg. If this is you. What's your birthday?
Meg: March 23rd.
Peter: I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.
[Meg gets some bowling shoes from Bruce]
Meg: The usual please.
Bruce: Here you are. Ladies 7 on the left and men's 11 on the right.
Bruce: Ooooh and happy birthday!
[Meg watches a bowling alley animation of a cowboy bowling ball violently slaughtering a tribe of Native American bowling pins]
Bruce: We have not updated those.
Joe: Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.
Lois: What!?
Peter: What are you talking about? Meg's right here!
[The wind blows Meg's off of the barrel]
Peter: You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.
Chris: Or when we rented that convertible.
[Tom reads Meg's ID]
Tom: 156 pounds, yikes!
Meg: Wait, did you give my ID to the wrong girl?
Bruce: Sorry, them shoe spray fumes made me all goofy in my head. [inhales shoe spray] I still sober. This ain't cheatin'. Oh, this is me being sober!
Tom: Again, for those of you in a new scene, Meg Griffin dead.
[The Griffins are at Meg's funeral]
Peter: Lois, can you believe these seats? Front row!
Principal Shepherd: Meg Griffin was an honest man. A kind man. A man who knew how ...
[A woman whispers something in his ear]
Principal Shepherd: Oh my stars! I have nothing.
[Brian and Stewie are at Meg's funeral]
Brian: I feel bad. There's nobody here.
Stewie: I know. We're not even here.
[Brian and Stewie are shown to be holographic projections of themselves; Their real selves are at Chuck E. Cheese]
Stewie: This was the right decision.
[Meg opens a church closet and sees the new priest molesting an altar boy]
Meg: Ooh, sorry.
Priest: Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means!?
Lois: Before we eat. Would anyone like to say something about Meg?
[Dead silence]
Brian: Okay, I feel all of you looking at me, so here goes. Meg, wherever you are, I hope that you're with Bubba. I want you to know that Lieutenant Dan is walking around ...
Stewie: Is this from Forrest Gump?
Not Important: Hi, new neighbor. I just thought I'd come by and see if I could borrow a cup of tampons.
Meg: Sure. Just bring them back when you're done. No rush.
[Meg comes up with a false name after running away from her family]
Meg: My name is...[sees a hallway]...Hallway. Natalee Hallway.
[Meg sits on her hemorrhoid]
Meg: YOOOOOOW! What a view!
Girl: Wow, Natalee Hallway. When did you get so good at bowling?
Meg: Oh, I used to play a lot back in Qua...rea.
Girl: Wow. You lived in Korea?
Meg: Yep, when I was with the embassy.
Other Girl: So, was that before or after you were one of the first black women to do math for NASA?
Meg: Yes.
Boy: Hey, Griffin. I heard you scored with the girls' basketball team, yesterday.
Chris: Yup. 12 points and 8 rebounds.
Chris: ALIVE!?
Meg: Chris, you already know that part.
Principal Shepherd: Good morning students, we are gathered here for two reasons today. One, to mourn the loss of Meg Griffin and two, to find the owner of this X-Men water bottle someone left in wood shop. Does anyone recognize it?
Student: I'll take it.
Principal Shepherd: That's not what I asked.
Stewie: This gym is sad. If you haven't won a championship since 1982, just take the banner down.
[Meg's life flashes before her eyes and none of her memories actually feature herself]
Meg: I'm not in any of these! Oh, come on! I was in the Kingsman fight! That could have been in there. I can do stuff. I...I can be part of a comedy team. Look. [talking to herself] Hey, Chris. Who's on first? A baseball player! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
[Meg slams her face against the floor until she goes bloody]
Meg THIS! BIT! CAN BE! IN THE HIGHLIGHT! VIDEO!
Principal Shepherd: I think we can all agree that John is entitled to take whichever student he wishes home with him tonight.
Principal Shepherd: The Quiznos across the street has graciously taken out a full-page ad in the yearbook that will feature a dedication page to Meg.
Lois: Oh my God, Meg! I'm so glad you're alive! What happened?
Meg: He did this! [points to Chris]
Principal Shepherd: Are you saying Chris saved your life?
Principal Shepherd: This calls for a celebration! Alright, everyone, throw confetti and ruin the janitor's weekend!
Chris: I owe my sister an apology. I shouldn't have treated her the way I did and I think if Meg were here today, she'd be the first one to agree.
Meg: I AM HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE!
Chris: Anyway Meg, wherever you are, I'm sorry.
Brian: I'm just really glad this whole ordeal is over.
[Brian takes out his walkie-talkie]
Stewie: [over the walkie-talkie] Glad this whole ordeal is what? Over.
[Laugh track laughs]
Meg: COME ON!
Lois: Women fake a lot of things. You fake your death. I fake orgasms and being impressed by my husband's accomplishments at work.
Peter: Hey, Lois. Guess who got to erase the whiteboard in a meeting today?
Lois: Oh my! I think someone's earned himself Mama Lois' famous egg salad! Huh?
Peter: Oh yum! Oh, today just keeps getting better and better.
Chris: Dad, I thought you hated mom's egg salad.
Peter: Chris, part of being a man is faking things like faking things and pretending to like your mom's egg salad.

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