- [Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
- Peter: Okay, Meg. If this is you. What's your birthday?
- Meg: March 23rd.
- Peter: I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.
- [Meg gets some bowling shoes from Bruce]
- Meg: The usual please.
- Bruce: Here you are. Ladies 7 on the left and men's 11 on the right.
- Bruce: Ooooh and happy birthday!
- [Meg watches a bowling alley animation of a cowboy bowling ball violently slaughtering a tribe of Native American bowling pins]
- Bruce: We have not updated those.
- Joe: Peter, Lois, it pains me above the waist to tell you that Meg is dead.
- Lois: What!?
- Peter: What are you talking about? Meg's right here!
- [The wind blows Meg's off of the barrel]
- Peter: You know, it's weird that didn't happen on the pier all day.
- Chris: Or when we rented that convertible.
- [Tom reads Meg's ID]
- Tom: 156 pounds, yikes!
- Meg: Wait, did you give my ID to the wrong girl?
- Bruce: Sorry, them shoe spray fumes made me all goofy in my head. [inhales shoe spray] I still sober. This ain't cheatin'. Oh, this is me being sober!
- Tom: Again, for those of you in a new scene, Meg Griffin dead.
- [The Griffins are at Meg's funeral]
- Peter: Lois, can you believe these seats? Front row!
- Principal Shepherd: Meg Griffin was an honest man. A kind man. A man who knew how ...
- [A woman whispers something in his ear]
- Principal Shepherd: Oh my stars! I have nothing.
- [Brian and Stewie are at Meg's funeral]
- Brian: I feel bad. There's nobody here.
- Stewie: I know. We're not even here.
- [Brian and Stewie are shown to be holographic projections of themselves; Their real selves are at Chuck E. Cheese]
- Stewie: This was the right decision.

- [Meg opens a church closet and sees the new priest molesting an altar boy]
- Meg: Ooh, sorry.
- Priest: Don't you know what a rosary on a doorknob means!?
- Lois: Before we eat. Would anyone like to say something about Meg?
- [Dead silence]
- Brian: Okay, I feel all of you looking at me, so here goes. Meg, wherever you are, I hope that you're with Bubba. I want you to know that Lieutenant Dan is walking around ...
- Stewie: Is this from Forrest Gump?
- Not Important: Hi, new neighbor. I just thought I'd come by and see if I could borrow a cup of tampons.
- Meg: Sure. Just bring them back when you're done. No rush.
- [Meg comes up with a false name after running away from her family]
- Meg: My name is...[sees a hallway]...Hallway. Natalee Hallway.
- [Meg sits on her hemorrhoid]
- Meg: YOOOOOOW! What a view!
- Girl: Wow, Natalee Hallway. When did you get so good at bowling?
- Meg: Oh, I used to play a lot back in Qua...rea.
- Girl: Wow. You lived in Korea?
- Meg: Yep, when I was with the embassy.
- Other Girl: So, was that before or after you were one of the first black women to do math for NASA?
- Meg: Yes.
- Boy: Hey, Griffin. I heard you scored with the girls' basketball team, yesterday.
- Chris: Yup. 12 points and 8 rebounds.
- Chris: ALIVE!?
- Meg: Chris, you already know that part.
- Principal Shepherd: Good morning students, we are gathered here for two reasons today. One, to mourn the loss of Meg Griffin and two, to find the owner of this X-Men water bottle someone left in wood shop. Does anyone recognize it?
- Student: I'll take it.
- Principal Shepherd: That's not what I asked.
- Stewie: This gym is sad. If you haven't won a championship since 1982, just take the banner down.
- [Meg's life flashes before her eyes and none of her memories actually feature herself]
- Meg: I'm not in any of these! Oh, come on! I was in the Kingsman fight! That could have been in there. I can do stuff. I...I can be part of a comedy team. Look. [talking to herself] Hey, Chris. Who's on first? A baseball player! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
- [Meg slams her face against the floor until she goes bloody]
- Meg THIS! BIT! CAN BE! IN THE HIGHLIGHT! VIDEO!
- Principal Shepherd: I think we can all agree that John is entitled to take whichever student he wishes home with him tonight.
- Principal Shepherd: The Quiznos across the street has graciously taken out a full-page ad in the yearbook that will feature a dedication page to Meg.
- Lois: Oh my God, Meg! I'm so glad you're alive! What happened?
- Meg: He did this! [points to Chris]
- Principal Shepherd: Are you saying Chris saved your life?
- Principal Shepherd: This calls for a celebration! Alright, everyone, throw confetti and ruin the janitor's weekend!
- Chris: I owe my sister an apology. I shouldn't have treated her the way I did and I think if Meg were here today, she'd be the first one to agree.
- Meg: I AM HERE! I'M RIGHT HERE!
- Chris: Anyway Meg, wherever you are, I'm sorry.
- Brian: I'm just really glad this whole ordeal is over.
- [Brian takes out his walkie-talkie]
- Stewie: [over the walkie-talkie] Glad this whole ordeal is what? Over.
- [Laugh track laughs]
- Meg: COME ON!
- Lois: Women fake a lot of things. You fake your death. I fake orgasms and being impressed by my husband's accomplishments at work.
- Peter: Hey, Lois. Guess who got to erase the whiteboard in a meeting today?
- Lois: Oh my! I think someone's earned himself Mama Lois' famous egg salad! Huh?
- Peter: Oh yum! Oh, today just keeps getting better and better.
- Chris: Dad, I thought you hated mom's egg salad.
- Peter: Chris, part of being a man is faking things like faking things and pretending to like your mom's egg salad.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Better Off Meg's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
<< Season 17 | Family Guy Season 18 | Season 19 >> | ||||||
#01 | Yacht Rocky | #08 | Shanksgiving | #15 | Baby Stewie | |||
#02 | Bri-Da | #09 | Christmas is Coming | #16 | Start Me Up | |||
#03 | Absolutely Babulous | #10 | Connie's Celica | #17 | Coma Guy | |||
#04 | Disney's The Reboot | #11 | Short Cuts | #18 | Better Off Meg | |||
#05 | Cat Fight | #12 | Undergrounded | #19 | Holly Bibble | |||
#06 | Peter & Lois' Wedding | #13 | Rich Old Stewie | #20 | Movin’ In (Principal Shepherd’s Song) | |||
#07 | Heart Burn | #14 | The Movement |