[For the complete script, see: "Blind Ambition" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Lois: Well, well, look who's here.
Peter: All right, all right. Look, I know an apology is due here. So, Lois, tell Quagmire you're sorry you had him arrested.
Lois: Excuse me? He's the one who owes me an apology! He was watching me go to the bathroom!
Peter: Well, clearly, he thinks you're attractive, Lois. It's a positive thing. Thank you, Glenn, for complimenting our family.
Loretta: We have had it with his disrespect for women. We're petitioning the city to have him removed from the neighborhood.
Bonnie: Yeah, I don't want to bring a new baby into the world with him running around.
Peter: Okay, first of all, Bonnie, you've been pregnant for like, six years, all right? Either have the baby or don't. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy. He's just a little messed up.

[The Giant Chicken leaps at Peter from off-screen and attacks him, and the two engage in a fight down Spooner Street]
Man: This isn't medium-rare.
Woman: Then have them take it back.
[Peter and the chicken fall through the glass ceiling. Peter protects himself as the propeller approaches the chicken. The chicken turns around and yells and is struck by the propeller. A battered Peter walks away into the horizon, and the chicken's talon twitches]
Peter: Sorry about that. Second of all, Quagmire's a good guy, you know. He's just a little mixed up, that's all. Come on, give him another chance, yeah?
Lois: All right, but one more incident like the one at the bowling alley, and Quagmire is out of this neighborhood.

[Quagmire accidentally runs into monitor room for the dressing rooms in the mall. Pictures of women taking their clothes off are showing]
Quagmire: Where am I? Am I dead?
Security Officer: No. This is where we monitor all of the dressing rooms in the mall, so we can keep an eye out for shoplifters.
Quagmire: You don't say.
[Suddenly, one of the girls has a heart attack and collapses on the ground]
Quagmire: Oh, my God, that one's having a heart attack!
[Quagmire runs out of the room and runs into the collapsed woman's room. He pushes his palms against her breast for a while and then breaths into her mouth. The woman coughs and wakes up]
Girl #1: That was amazing!
Girl #2: You saved her life!
Girl #3: Thank God you know CPR!
Quagmire: What the hell's CPR?

Peter: I can't see a thing.
Vern: Y'know what else you can't see? The writing on the wall. Vaudeville's dead! And television's the box they're gonna bury it in! But you just gotta have a gimmick! Back then, everyone had their own specialty. I, for one, am a tumbler, now watch me jump through this hoop. [jumps and falls on his face, to Johnny] Vamp! Vamp!

[Blind Peter walks out a bathroom feeling his way to his room and accidentally into Chris's room]
Peter: Hey, ya still awake Lois, honey? [gets into bed with Chris]
Chris: Dad?
Peter: That's right, I'm your daddy. Shh shh-shh-shh, don't talk, Lois, don't talk. Just let me do all the work. Yeah, now feel my warm breath on the nape of your neck, my hands on your big soft boobs running down you big man-like ge...HOLY CRAP, IT'S CHRIS! Uh, uh. So, uh, how you doing? You do all your homework? [Chris nods "yes"] Finish all your subjects?
Chris: Yes, sir.
Peter: Good. Just uh, just checking. Have a good night, Son. [Peter feels his way out of the room; offscreen] You still awake, honey?
Stewie: What the deuce?

[Flashback of Peter's great-great uncle five years after shooting his confederate Siamese twin]
Barman: Not to smart, huh?
Great-great uncle with his brother's skeleton still attached to his body: Yep. Did not quite think that one through.

God: Here, let me light that for you, babe.
[Zap with thunderbolt to the cigarette]
Girl: Hey, thanks!
God: Yep, magic fingers.
[Zap with thunderbolt to the girl, incinerating her]
God: Jesus Christ!
Jesus: What?
God: Get the Escalade! We're outta here!

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