Family Guy Wiki

[For the complete script, see: "Blue Harvest" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Announcer: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. [We see a golfer on the green trying to putt]
Commentator 1: And Mickelson here trying to save par. And there's Mickelson's wife. [camera zooms in on her] God is she hot.
Commentator 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you.
Commentator 1: Oh, they're just out there, begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls you think she can fit in her mouth?
Commentator 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
Commentator 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her.
Greg: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though.
Commentator 1: Hell of a week.

[Opening Dialog for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]
It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out 'til the next episode.
And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss. Which is kind of messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia". She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest...
Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...

[the spaceship is being fired at and we see C-3PO (Quagmire) and R2-D2 (Cleveland) getting jostled around from the impacts]
C-3PO (Quagmire): Ya hear that? It sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the Hey-take-a-deep-breath-let's-experiment kind of boarding from the rear.

[All the soldiers situate themselves in the hallway with their guns pointed at the door, waiting for the Stormtroopers to enter]
Soldier 1: What if they come in a different door?

Princess Leia (Lois): [recording her message on R2-D2] Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope. All right, now what do I click?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Click "Preferences".
Princess Leia (Lois): Okay, I clicked "Preferences".
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now go to "Default Media Browser".
Princess Leia (Lois): Okay. There's a little hourglass and it's-it's not letting me do anything. It-it says "Buffering", what is that?
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Just give it a minute.
Princess Leia (Lois): All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.
Princess Leia (Lois): Okay, relax.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now click, "Import Video File".
Princess Leia (Lois): All right. It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.
R2-D2 (Cleveland): You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.

Darth Vader (Stewie): My God, look at this mess! [mimicking stormtroopers] Oh, hey, Darth Vader's coming, do you think we should clean the place up? Nah, it's okay, he won't mind.

Soldier 2: Hold your fire, there's no lifeforms aboard.
Terry: Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?
Soldier 2: You don't do the budget Terry, I do.

Announcer: Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids!
Darth Harrington: Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids, and I am passing the savings onto yoooou!

Italian 1: [yelling at Beru] Hey! Shuddupa with the noise-a!
Italian 2: Hey! Shuddupa with the shuddupa!
Italian 3: You shuddupa with the shuddupa!
Italian 4: Shuddupa your face! Now mya dogga won't shuddupa!
Italian 5: Why you no shuddupa?
Italian 6: I make-a you shuddupa!
Italian 7: You too, shuddupa!
Italian 8: Hey! I poke out my head!

Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well I guess I'll go and bulls-eye some wamp rats with my T-16.
C-3PO (Quagmire): You kill small animals for fun?! That's the first indication of a serial killer, you freak!
Luke Skywalker (Chris): There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!

C3PO: Master Luke, he's gone, he's gone!
Luke: What?
C3PO: R2, he took off in the middle of the night, we gotta find him.
Luke: [throws down his wrench] Oh, what the Phantom Menace is that guys problem?

R2D2 (Cleveland): Who the hell are you?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): One lucky son-bitch.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
Han Solo (Peter): Are you kiddin'? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
Han Solo (Peter): Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! Alright, let's go.

[Luke goes to rescue Princess Leia in her cell, dressed as a storm trooper
Princess Leia (Lois): Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch.
Princess Leia (Lois): Wait! Who are you?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): [takes his helmet off] I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
Princess Leia (Lois): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?

Storm Trooper: Hey, did you hear something?
Storm Trooper (RJ): Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill, and she told me there was no way.

Darth Vader (Stewie): So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of "Stay 50 yards away at all times" don't you understand? [Obi-Wan activates his lightsaber, which instantly turns flaccid]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Uh-oh.
Darth Vader (Stewie): Your powers are weak, old man.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): [Off-screen] Obi-Wan! [Obi-Wan looks away at Luke, then his lightsaber becomes erect once again]
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Boy, you got here just in time!

[during the "TIE" fighter battle]
Luke Skywalker (Chris): They're coming too fast!
Han Solo (Peter): [under his breath] A nickel for every time I've had that problem. Just keep shooting, Luke!

Luke Skywalker (Chris): I got him! I got him!
Han Solo (Peter): Great kid! Don't get penisy!

R2-D2 (Cleveland): [opens a hatch and shoots down a "TIE" fighter with a pistol] YEA-HEAH!!! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!

Luke (Chris): [during the escape from the Death Star] Han!
Han (Peter): What?
Luke: Why do they call them TIE fighters?
Han: No idea.

Red Leader: All wings check in.
Red 3: Red 3 standing by.
Red 6: Red 6 standing by.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Red 5 standing by
Red Buttons: Red Buttons standing by.
Redd Foxx: Redd Foxx standing by.
Big Red Gum: Big Red standing by.
[camera zooms out to show a Russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings]
Red October: [in Sean Connery's voice] Red October standing by.
Helen Reddy: Helen Reddy standing by.
Simply Red (Mick Hucknall): [Entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit] Simply Red standing by.

Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'm going in! Cover me Porkins!
Porkins: Uh, I'm havin' a little trouble here.

Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) [spirit]: Use The Force, Luke.
Luke Skywalker (Chris): Obi-Wan?
Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) [spirit]: Yeah, it's me. Use The Force. Force that thing in there. Just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble!

R2-D2 (Cleveland) Agghhh! Fuck you, you son of a bitch! What am I, R2-Pac?!

Peter: ..The end. [the power comes back on]
All: Eeyyy!
Meg: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertained! That was a great story!
Chris: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
Peter: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
Chris: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
Peter: Oh, really? Define "decent".
Chris: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
Peter: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
Chris: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
Peter: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
Chris: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
Peter: And-and besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? Wh-what is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with Star Wars dolls. Oh, yay, yay, tune me in to that.
Chris: Ohhhh, so you do know the show?
Peter: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
Chris : You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! [leaves]
Peter: [starts humming the Star Wars end theme] Na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na, na, na, na-na-na na, he, na-na-na he, na, na-na-na-na... na-na.

Chewbacca (Brian): Grrrrrr!
Screaming Black Droid: Holy smokes!/Holy shit!

Cantina Band flautist: Thank you, we're the Cantina Band. If you have any requests, shout 'em out. "Play that same song!" Alright, same song, here we go!

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