- Announcer: We now return to Sunday Golf on CBS. [We see a golfer on the green trying to putt]
- Commentator 1: And Mickelson here trying to save par. And there's Mickelson's wife. [camera zooms in on her] God is she hot.
- Commentator 2: Look at that rack. There's a downhill lie for you.
- Commentator 1: Oh, they're just out there, begging to be touched. Pleading. How many golf balls you think she can fit in her mouth?
- Commentator 2: I'd hit that one in the rough, if you know what I'm saying.
- Commentator 1: Who are you kidding, Greg? You'd pork her for a week and then get tired of her.
- Greg: Yeah, you're right. That's what I do. That's my thing. But a hell of a week, though.
- Commentator 1: Hell of a week. [Mickelson finally putts]
- [Opening Dialogue for "Family Guy Episode IV: A New Hope"]
- It is a time of civil war and renegade paragraphs flying through space.
- There's cool space battles, and the bad guy is the good guy's dad, but you don't find that out 'til the next episode.
- And this hot chick is really the sister of the good guy, but they don't know it, and they kiss. Which is kind of messed up. I mean, what if they had done it instead of just kissed?
- Angelina Jolie kissed her brother. Yeah, she did. You know it, I know it, and her dad knows it. That's why they hardly ever talk anymore. You can run away to Africa, but you can't run away from the truth.
- Oh, by the way, here's a tip for you: when this is over, go out and rent the movie "Gia". She's way naked in it, and makes out with another chick and everything. It's awesome. I stumbled across it late night on HBO after I had just got back from hockey, and I almost fainted. But I digest [sic]...
- Princess Leia was coming back from buying space groceries when this happened...
- [the spaceship is being fired at and we see C-3PO (Quagmire) and R2-D2 (Cleveland) getting jostled around from the impacts]
- C-3PO (Quagmire): Ya hear that? It sounds like we're being boarded from the rear. And not the Hey-take-a-deep-breath-let's-experiment kind of boarding from the rear.
- [All the soldiers situate themselves in the hallway with their ray guns pointed at the door, waiting for the Stormtroopers to enter.]
- Soldier 1: What if they come in another door?
- Princess Leia (Lois): [recording her message on R2-D2] Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. you're my only hope. All right, now what do I click?
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): Click "Preferences". [she does so]
- Princess Leia (Lois): Okay, I clicked "Preferences".
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now go to "Default Media Browser". [she does]
- Princess Leia (Lois): Okay. There's a little hourglass and it's-it's not letting me do anything. It-it says "Buffering", what is that?
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): Just give it a minute.
- Princess Leia (Lois): All I'm trying to do is make an MPEG.
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): All I'm trying to do is tell you to wait a minute.
- Princess Leia (Lois): Okay, relax.
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): Now click, "Import Video File".
- Princess Leia (Lois): All right. [she does] It's telling me I have to download RealPlayer 7.
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): You know what? I'll just bring it to him myself.
- Darth Vader (Stewie): My God, look at this mess! [Mimicking stormtroopers] Oh, hey, Darth Vader's coming, do you think we should clean this up a little bit? Ahhh, no, he's not gonna mind.
- Soldier 2: Hold your fire, there's no lifeforms aboard.
- Terry: Hold your fire? What, are we paying by the laser now?
- Soldier 2: You don't do the budget Terry, I do.
- Announcer: Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids. Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids! Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids!
- Darth Harrington: Hi! I'm Darth Harrington of Darth Harrington's Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids Emporium and Moon Base. Due to a garbled subspace transmission, I am currently overstocked on all Intergalactic Proton Powered Electrical Tentacled Advertising Droids, and I am passing the savings onto yoooou!
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): See what you can do. I'm gonna go bulls-eye some wamp rats with my T-16.
- C-3PO (Quagmire): You kill small animals for fun?! That's the first indication of a serial killer, you freak!
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): There's two suns and no women! What the hell am I supposed to do?!
- R2D2 (Cleveland): Who the hell are you?
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): [over Luke (Chris)'s unconcious body] One lucky son-bitch.
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Hi. My sexy friend and I are looking for a ship to take us to Alderaan, and I'm willing to pay big money.
- Han Solo (Peter): Well, you've come to the right place. I'm Han Solo, captain of the Millennium Falcon and the only actor whose career isn't destroyed by this movie.
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Is it a fast ship?
- Han Solo (Peter): Are you kiddin'? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Um, isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?
- Han Solo (Peter): [stammers] Chewie, take these guys to the ship and get her ready.
- Chewbacca (Brian): [makes Chewbacca's trademark gargling roar for a second, then spits out water in a nearby sink] Always gargle before a take-off. Wocka-wocka! Let's go.
- [Luke goes to rescue Princess Leia in her cell, dressed as a storm trooper
- Princess Leia (Lois): Aren't you a little fat to be a storm trooper?
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Well, stay here and rot, you stuck-up bitch. [turns to leave]
- Princess Leia (Lois): Wait! Who are you?
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): [takes his helmet off] I'm Luke Skywalker. Me and Han Solo and Obi-Wan are here to rescue you.
- Princess Leia (Lois): Wait, Obi-Wan Kenobi?
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Yeah. Suddenly I'm not so fat, huh?
- Storm Trooper: Hey, did you hear something?
- Canadian Storm Trooper: Probably just another drill. You know that last drill we had? I was about to finally bone my girlfriend, and then we heard that there was this drill, and she told me there was no way.
- Darth Vader (Stewie): So, Obi-Wan, we meet again. What part of "Stay 50 yards away at all times" don't you understand? [Obi-Wan activates his lightsaber, which instantly turns flaccid]
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Uh-oh.
- Darth Vader (Stewie): Your powers are weak, old man. [they start fighting; Obi-Wan is still using the flaccid saber]
- Luke Skywalker (Chris) [Off-screen]: Obi-Wan! [Obi-Wan looks away at Luke, then his lightsaber becomes erect once again]
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert): Boy, you got here just in time!
- [during the "Thai" fighter battle]
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): They're coming too fast!
- Han Solo (Peter): [under his breath] Oh boy. Nickel for every time that's happened. [shouts] Just keep shooting, Luke!
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): I got him! I got him!
- Han Solo (Peter): Great kid! Don't get penisy!
- R2-D2 (Cleveland): [opens a hatch and shoots down a "Thai" fighter with a pistol] YEA-HEAH!!! That's how we do it in my neighborhood, bitch!
- Red Leader: All wings check in.
- Red 3: Red 3 standing by.
- Red 6: Red 6 standing by.
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Red 5 standing by
- Red Buttons: Red Buttons standing by.
- Redd Foxx: Redd Foxx standing by.
- Big Red: Big Red standing by.
- [camera pans out to show a russian submarine floating with the squad of X-Wings]
- Red October: [in Sean Connery's voice] Red October standing by.
- Helen Reddy: Helen Reddy standing by.
- Simply Red (Mick Hucknall): [Entire band is in one X-Wing cockpit] Simply Red standing by.
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): I'm going in! Cover me Porkins!
- Porkins: Uh, I'm havin' a little trouble here. [Camera pans out to reveal that most of his grossly obese body is actually outside of the X-Wing, which proceeds to grind against the Death Star surface before exploding]
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) [spirit]: Use The Force, Luke.
- Luke Skywalker (Chris): Obi-Wan?
- Obi-Wan Kenobi (Herbert) [spirit]: Yeah, it's me. Use The Force. Force that thing in there. Just like I showed you with those puppets. But don't tell nobody 'cause you'll get in trouble!
- R2-D2 (Cleveland) [after getting shot by Darth Vader]: AHHHH! Fuck you, you son of a bitch. What am I, R2-Pac?!
- Peter Griffin: ..The End. [the power comes back on]
- All: EEYYY!
- Meg Griffin: Wow, Dad, thanks for keeping us entertianed! That was a great story!
- Chris Griffin: Yeah, but didn't Robot Chicken already do this three months ago?
- Peter Griffin: Well, I wouldn't worry about it, Chris. I-I don't know if people are even aware of that show's existence.
- Chris Griffin: Well, I don't know, Dad. I think a decent number of people watch it.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, really? Define "decent".
- Chris Griffin: I think it's the highest rated show on Cartoon Network, and the Star Wars episode doubled that audience.
- Peter Griffin: Well, yeah, but double ten people is, like, twenty people, so, I mean, what kind of numbers are we talking about here, you know?
- Chris Griffin: Don't be glib about this stuff, Dad. It's a legitimate show, and they beat you to the punch.
- Peter Griffin: Uh, I-I don't know about that, Chris. I mean, to me a legitimate show is on ABC, CBS, NBC, you know, one of the real networks.
- Chris Griffin: [chuckles] I don't know about that, Dad.
- Peter Griffin: And-and besides, what's up with that 15-minute run time? Wh-what is that? It's like 15 minutes of guys playing with "Star Wars" dolls. Oh, yay, yay, tune me in to that.
- Chris Griffin: Ohhhh, so you do know the show?
- Peter Griffin: I read part of a review online. I am not a fan.
- Chris Griffin [stands up; about to cry]: You know, Dad, you're a real jerk! [leaves]
- Peter Griffin: [starts humming the Star Wars end theme] Na, na-na, na-na, na-na-na-na, na, na, na-na-na na, he, na-na-na he, na, na-na-na-na... na-na.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Blue Harvest's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes