[For a complete script, see: "Boys & Squirrels" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Peter: Some lady up the block is giving away all of her husband's stuff cuz he shot himself in the face.
Meg: Oh my God!
Stewie: I've seen that lady. He did the right thing.

[Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]
Cleveland: Donna, they had a bullhorn! I don't know why but they had a bullhorn!
Donna: [offscreen] Cleveland! It's time for lunch!
Cleveland: What do I want? Sammich! When do I want it? Now! I ain't eatin' any leftover soup!

Lois: Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. It's called a podcast. I guess it's like a radio show on your phone. Have you heard of these? Podcasts!
Meg: Yeah, mom. We know what podcasts are.
Lois: Huh. I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. I've have to let Bonnie know.
[Lois faxes a message to Bonnie]
Bonnie: [offscreen] Wow! Really!?

Peter: Since Willum Dafoe has more bones in his face then most people have in their entire body, he's perfect for carving cuz the angles are so sharp.

[Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]
Cleveland: Hey, Donna. The tree's just regular.
Donna: [offscreen] Go to work, Cleveland!

Stewie: Aw, he made a little toot.
Chris: That was me. It was one of my cross-legged ones. I should probably stop recording.

Dr. Hartman: Well, if it's your elbow that's bothering you, we should probably start by checking your reflexes ... AAAH!!!
Peter: AAAH!
Dr. Hartman: Okay, they seem alright.

Peter: Is that the hat?
Dr. Hartman: Stupid, right?

[Peter comes in and he's extremely tall]
Cleveland: Whoa! Peter, what happened? Did you tease that witch again?

Peter: I've noticed I'm a lot more clumsy in the bedroom.
[Cutaway to Peter's dark bedroom where a lamp breaks during sex with Lois]
Peter: I'm sorry. You two keep going. I'm gunna clean this up.

Quagmire: Peter, would you get off your phone?
Peter: Sorry. Young girls keep killing each other, cuz they think I'm the Slender Man now.
Quagmire: Are ... are you ... are you telling them to kill each other?
Peter: It's just a goof!

Bruce: Well let me first start by saying yall's doing your relationship a huge favor by coming to couples counseling. Now why don't yall start by each trying to suck up to me so I can choose who I'm gunna side with.
Stewie: Well, I'm Stewart and I would love to offer you a freshly baked brownie.
Bruce: Mmm! Oh my! Someone's already in the lead.

Chris: Stewie promised he'd make healthy meals for us but all he ever makes is frozen pizza!
Stewie: You said you love pizza! Especially when I make the ones with the crust made of hweat!
Chris: He also does ... that.
Stewie: Oh, really? Go ahead. Show him those girls you follow in Instagram. It's all bosoms and derrieres on there! This is all stuff I talked about with my life coach, Kyle!
Chris: Yeah, life coach. Kyle's into you and you know it!
Stewie: Whaaat!?

Bruce: Okay. Chris, why don't you tell your side of the story, while I share looks with Stewie that say "Whoa! This is what you've gotta deal with?"

[Stewie finds a Christmas gift from Quagmire]
Stewie: Ooh, fudge! [reads card attached] Don't be a Grinch. Please return plate to G. Quagmire. [normal] Oh, great. So it's a gift and an errand.

[Peter laughs until he passes a pack of Goth teens]
Teen: [pointing] It's Slender Man!
Peter: [pointing back] Kill yourselves!
Quagmire: [reproachfully] Peter!
Peter: Come on. It's just a goof.

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