[For the complete script, see: "Boys Do Cry" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Texan #1: Hey! That's not a girl!
Texan #2: It's Enrico Pallazzo!
Texan #3: No, it's not! It's one of them queero-sexuals!

Brian: Wow. This place officially sucks worse than the WNBA!
WNBA announcer: It's the top of the second half, Miami's up 16 to 9. Now, these women really make it look difficult and usually make $7,000 a year. But is having this minor skill even worth being so unattractive? That's for the fan to decide.
Only guy in the stands: Yay!

Tom Tucker: In other pseudo-scientific news, a local man claims to have spotted Bigfoot. We've got the exclusive interview.
(Cut to an interview between Tom Tucker and RJ)
RJ: I was about to bone my girlfriend out at the lake, but suddenly she yelled, so I looked up and it was Bigfoot.
Tom Tucker: So what happened next?
RJ: Then I went back to bone her, but the mosquitoes were going crazy, and she said there was no way.

Chris: Are you sure Aunt Carol won't mind us using her place?
Lois: Of course not. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.
Peter: [laughs] When will it work for her?

Quagmire: [reading a sign on the church door that says: "Organist Wanted"] Huh-huh, all right! [runs inside the church, unzips pants, and gets slapped] Ahh. [comes back outside] Why do you say organist if you don't want... I don't understand the world anymore.

[When Brian and Stewie are hiding in a bathroom]
Brian: We need some way of changing your appearance!
Stewie: I feel like Britney Spears. I'm standing in urine and I hate the person I'm with.

Brian: Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie?
Stewie: [dressed in female clothing] Ummm, I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

Police Officer: Pardon me sir, we're trying to locate a possessed child. [shows him a picture of Stewie] Have you seen any one who looks like this?
Peter: Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the mini-market right now, he'll be out in a second. [Lois elbows him] Uh, uh, uh, uh, I mean, I mean, no, no. Never seen him before.
Police Officer: Hmm... what was that first thing you said?
Peter: Oh I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son. He's traveling with us. He's part of our family. We're trying to avoid being found by police like you. [Lois elbows him again] Uh, uh, uh, I mean, I was just... reminding what a nice tie you have on.
Police Officer: I... love... this tie. All right, you folks take care now.

Lois: And lately, this family has been lacking moral fiber, especially you Meg. [Cutaway to Meg and Stewie are in the living room; Meg is on the couch saggy]
Lois: Meg! What happened to you?
Stewie: She can't answer you. She can't even talk. Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kinda lays there. It's really sad. [in a happy tone] And a tiny bit funny. Oh my God, I think I'm getting a contact high! [sags like Meg] Uh, now I'm messed up too.

Peter: You know they say Chuck Norris is so tough, there's no chin under his beard... there is only another fist.

Jillian: Wait, wait, I have another question. How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Are you Jewish?
Jillian: No.
Brian: There you go, sport!
Jillian: Thank you!

Peter: Don't worry, Lois. We'll hide in the one place they can't find us... in imagination land, where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp. [Cutaway to where Peter is sitting on a chair. He lifts up his leg and burps and then opens his mouth and farts] Haha, indeed, that's how it happens.

[Peter enters the bedroom on his horse]
Peter: Ugh, it’s been a long day Lois, a long day.
[Peter gets into bed with the horse]
Lois: Peter, what the hell? You can’t bring that horse into our bed!
Peter: Lois, I can not believe you would ban the horse from our bed. He’s a graceful, majestic creature, who is a part of this family and only wants you to love and respect... The horse may have pooped in the bed.

Lois: Oh, just that I think that you'll love this cake.
Stewie: None for me, thanks, it's gonna go straight to my vagina. [to Brian] That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

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