- Peter: Come on, kids, we've been through worse. Meg, you remember when we found out your gynecologist never finished med school?
- [Cut to the clinic]
- Gynecologist: All righty, Meg, let's take a look at that bergina.
- [At a Book Club]
- Peter: Here's another thing, the book can also be... a hat.
- [Seeing Chris fall out of the egg section at the supermarket]
- Lois: Chris, where have you been?
- Chris: I DON’T KNOW!
- Lois: I felt like I had a void in my life like... like there was a secret hole in me.
- Quagmire: Oh God!
- Lois: And I was trying to fill that hole with all kinds of expensive objects and things...
- Quagmire: Oh Gaahhooddd!
- Lois: And I felt wonderful with all those things fillin' that hole.
- Quagmire: OH GAAHAHAHHAAAD!
- Lois: I did this to myself, so just gonna have to lay back and the penal system teach me a lesson.
- Quagmire: That one is also sexual.
- Mayor West: Dammit, Swanson, I want them found!
- Joe: Mayor West, we have every available man looking for the Griffins; we just don't have any leads.
- Mayor West: Not the Griffins, you moron! The rest of my Lite-Brite pieces! My name isn't Adam We... Or is it? Who am I? What number did you dial? Don't ever call here again. [hangs up] I guess I told him. Nobody messes with Adam We.
- Asian Officer: When I fire rockets, I always pretend I shooting at Alan Alda and Jamie Farr. Take that, wise-cracking meatball surgeon!
- Stewie: I say, Corey Haim! Are you with the Goonies as well?
- Corey Haim: Nah, I just live down here. [a white rat scampers] MINE!
- [Joe is watching TV]
- Announcer: And now, Ladies and gentlemen, Sumo Tonight. Brought to you by Asian Trix.
- [Kids eating cereal; Trix rabbit comes by]
- Boy: Silly wabbit! Twix are for kids!
- Trix rabbit: You share!
- Tom Tucker: Also, scientists announced today that if your hand is bigger than your face, you have cancer. [Diane raises and stares at her hand. Tom pushes her hand up against her face, making Diane hit herself] HA-HA! GOT YOU! Aha! Ahh! Ah, that's not even really news.
- Quagmire: Oh, it's conjugal visit day! You know I love doing a woman in a can. Oh! Giggity-giggity-giggity-gooo!
- Peter: [points to a random man] Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! [points to a random man] Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan! [points to the real Jackie Chan] Oh my God, it's Jackie Chan!
- Jackie Chan: Hi there! Always nice to meet a fan of my movies! Oh my God, you're Ethan Hawke!
- Peter: Uh, no I'm not.
- Jackie Chan: Sorry, my mistake. [notices Chris] Oh my God, it's Ethan Hawke!
- Meg: Mom, can we get some food?
- Jackie Chan: Oh my God, it's Malcolm in Middle!
- Meg: I'm not a boy!
- Jackie Chan: Yes, you are.
- Joe: Pretend I'm your child, Lois! Not Meg! Not Meg!
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: I sentence you to 2 years in the State Prison. [Lois gasps]
- Peter: Ah, man! That is bogus!
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: Order in the court! Another outburst like that, Mr. Griffin, and I'll extend the sentence.
- Peter: Achoo!
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: Okay, three years.
- Peter: That was a sneeze!
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: Four years!
- Peter: I'm sorry!
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: Five years!
- Peter: You douchebag.
- Judge Dignified Q. Blackman: Alright, three years it is.
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