[For the complete script, see: "Brian & Stewie" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Stewie: I'm not having fun anymore. I think you should know that.
[as Stewie is about to leave, the bank vault door suddenly closes]
Brian: What was that? [tries to open the door] I don't believe this. Hello?!?! Hello, we're locked in!!! [sniffs] Did...Did you just crap your diaper?
Stewie: I got scared when the door closed.

Brian: I can't believe this. We're locked in here until tomorrow and the only thing I've eaten today was a grape Chris dropped at breakfast. It took me half an hour just to get the damn thing off the floor.

Stewie: I'm uncomfortable, You have to change me.
Brian: I'm not changing you, we don't even have any diapers. Oh God, that smell is making me sick!
Stewie: Oh, thanks for making me feel more self-conscious. I can't stay like this tomorrow you know!

Stewie: What I would need you to is eat what is in my diaper, lick the diaper clean, possibly lick my fanny and then put the diaper back on me. Probably lick my fanny...yeah you should start wrapping your brain around that too.

[When Brian is about to lick Stewie's fanny clean]
Stewie: And just do me a favor and tell me when you're about to begin because I don't wanna be surpris... Mooooon Riiiiiver. My God! There it goes! Haa, Brian, you rock. Thank you so much for doing this.

Stewie: [talking to sales assistant Matthew] Yes, that was the night I was going to see The Bounty Hunter. [Pauses to listen to him] Well, yes, I enjoyed it very much, thank you; good memory, my word.

Brian: Try what? I already practically French-kissed your butt.
Stewie: There was no practically about that.

Brian: Wow! Oh shit!

Stewie: Oh, that's so going to be on YouTube!

Stewie: Ahhh, Oh my god!
Brian: Ah, you're okay?
Stewie: Is it over?
Brian: I think I don't know where the pin went. Wait move your hand.

Stewie: Please tell me why you have it?
Brian: I said I don't want to talk about it.
Stewie: But I want to know. Just tell me, come on.
Brian: No.
Stewie: Come on, please.
Brian: [sighs] I keep it in case... I ever want to commit suicide, ok?
Stewie: Wow. Oh.. oh my God you're serious, but why Brian?
Brian: You wouldn't understand. You're just a kid.
Stewie: Well... I could try.
Brian: I don't know, sometimes it's... all too much.
Stewie: What is?
Brian: Life. Everything. Just having the gun here, knowing there's a way out... it helps.
Stewie: Yes, but a gun, it's so messy. What about pills? Even hanging yourself is better, at least then you might grow an inch or two while you're hanging there. Of course when they find you, you might have those Illeana Douglas eyes.

Stewie: What are you reading?
Brian: David Copperfield.
Stewie: Looks old.
Brian: It's a first edition. It's by Charles Dickens.
Stewie: Ha. Giggity.

Stewie: I like you lot. I guess you could say I... really like you. I would... even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I... care a great deal about you. Very great deal. Maybe even... deeper than that. I... I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's, you know, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grownups do when they're in love, but I mean, I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Brian: Well I... I love you, too, Stewie.
Stewie: You give my life purpose, and maybe, maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.

Stewie: Hey Brian?
Brian: What?
Stewie: I just realized something. Tomorrow's Sunday.
Brian: Fuck.

Stewie: I like what comes out of Lois's breasts better, but I like this too.

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