[For the complete script, see: "Brian Goes Back to College" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Brian: Wow, you went to Harvard, huh? I'm an Ivy League man myself, I went to Brown.
Wellsley Shepherdson: Ooh, my incarcerated business partner's retarded gay niece went to Brown.

Stewie: I read your article too, Brian. Seems to me you should spend less time working on the paper and more time [in a high-pitched voice] working on that novel you've been working on. You know, the one...

[Peter shoots the ceiling and Chris falls through]
Chris: Hi, Dad!
Peter: Go to your room.
Chris: OK!

Lois: Oh, Brian, I can't believe they fired you! How come you never told us you dropped out of college?
Chris: I, I saw an after-school special about that! It didn't work out too well for Kristy McNichol, but, then again, nothing did.

Gary Coleman: [as Stewie] Whatcha talkin' 'bout, vile woman?!

Peter: A-Team roll call. Face?
Quagmire: Here and handsome!
Peter: Murdoch?
Joe: Here, and... crazy!
Peter: B.A.?
Cleveland: I pity the fool! But also suggest ways he may better himself.

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