[For a complete script, see: "Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows" at the Transcripts Wiki]

Old Man [about a lamp]: What, you don't think this is amazing?! When I saw it in the 1904 World's Fair, I nearly crapped my pants!

[loud music plays]
Peter: Get out of my beard, you squaking bastard!

Dr. Hartman: Hey! Who wants to see a dead body?

Peter: Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Lois: Oh, Peter you know how I hate beards.
Peter: Oh no, Lois, it's time I join the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular, because of all his magic tricks?

Lois: Brian, what happened with your date?
Brian: Same as always. She was an idiot.

Peter: Look, there's the cow. And what does a cow say? [the birds make noise] Yes, yes! That's right! A cow says "peep-peep-peep-peep!"

[When Brian visits Pearl in the hospital]
Dr. Hartman: Right through here. Just tell the disorderly when you're ready to leave.
Brian: Don't you mean the orderly?
Dr. Hartman: No, the disorderly. [laughs] That's a little medical joke. We also like Kevin Pollack.

Stewie: Ah-hah! So they do make bigger diapers. That deceitful woman told me I'd have to learn to use the toilet! Well, fie on the toilet! It's made slaves of you all. I've seen it sitting in there: lazy, slothful, porcelain lay-about, feeding on other people's doo doos while contributing nothing of its own to society. [to the toilet] You get a job!

Bird Scientist: This bird is a very rare species; The endangered white-rumped swallow.
Chris: [laughs] Rump.
Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

Mayor West: [to his right hand] You are a filthy whore.

Brian: [after Pearl sprays him] Ah! What the hell is this?
Pearl: Delousing powder! Everyone on the outside is filthy!
Brian: Well, you could have given me some warning!
Pearl: Here's your warning. It's gonna burn like hell in 30 seconds. I like my tea at 4:00, my dinner at 6:00. And I take my bath at 7:00 sharp so I can listen to Paul Harvey. You will warm up my bath water with quick bursts from the faucet during commercials only. It's going to take you a while to get the rhythm. Paul Harvey moves seamlessly into commercials. By the way, it's been 30 seconds.

Waiter: Here you go. Enjoy your food.
Stewie: Enjoy your studio apartment.

Brian: THAT'S IT! I have had it with you, you old hag! You're just a miserable, dried-up shut-in trying to make everyone else feel as bad as you do! Why don't you do the world a big favor and drop dead?

Pearl: What is this? Spit soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this? Snot soup?
Brian: Tomato bisque.
Pearl: What is this? Diarrhea soup?

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