[For a complete script, see: "Brian Writes a Bestseller" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[the doorbell rings and it's a UPS delivery man]
Delivery man: Hi. Package for Brian Griffin.
Stewie: Oh, I can sign for that. Package, Bri.
[Stewie signs the clipboard, the delivery man gives him the package, and Brian walks over to see it]
Brian: Huh. Wonder what this is.
[Brian opens the package]
Brian: It's my book. And there's a note from my publisher. "We are returning all of the unsold copies of Faster Than the Speed of Love."
Delivery man: You guys got a garage or something? We got like 300 boxes of these things.
[Cut to Adam West laughing in front of a black screen]
Adam West: Wow, that's a lot of boxes!

[Brian is sitting on the couch, unhappily surrounded by the 300 boxes of the unsold copies of his book and Stewie is going through one of them]
Stewie: Oh, this is so weird. Look what they used to pack your book in. Shredded-up pieces of your book.
Brian: Okay, that's it, I'm finished.
Stewie: What are you talking about?
Brian: I'm...I'm finished. I'm done. It's over. Clearly, I am not meant to be a writer. I have tried and I have tried, and nothing has worked out. I...put my heart out there, and it keeps getting stomped on. Well, that's it, no more. I...I...I'm done writing.
Stewie: What? Writing's the only thing that's given your alcoholism any credibility. Ooh, hey, you know, I just thought of something, hold on a sec.
[Stewie runs out of the room and comes back with a vase box]
Stewie: I bought a vase last week and it's still in the box, and I just want to check to see what they used to pack it...Ah, it's your book!

[Brian is on the couch reading "The New York Times"]
Brian: Oh, my God, this gets me so angry!
[Stewie comes into the living room]
Stewie: What? What is it?
Brian: Look at this. The number-one book on The New York Times Bestseller list is Dream Your Way to Spiritual Joy by Pauly Shore. This is why nobody bought my damn book. You know, this is what they want. The Secret. Chicken Soup for the Soul. The Purpose Driven Life. I...I tell you, I could crap one of those things out in a night.
Stewie: I'm going to tell Mom you said "crap."
Brian: No, I mean it. I could do it in three hours and idiots everywhere would buy it.
Stewie: Well, why don't you?
Brian: Believe me, I would love to, just to make a point, but I...I've given up writing.
Stewie: Yes, but you cared about what you wrote before. You don't care about this, so what does it matter?
Brian: Well, you do have a point. All right, maybe I will.
Stewie: Oh, how fun. Can I watch you write it?
Brian: I don't know, Stewie, I kind of like to write in solitude.
Stewie: No, no, I promise, I'll be as quiet as a guy in a coma.
[Cut away to a guy in a coma]
Coma Guy: [thoughts] Ah, this is great. I can finally be alone with my thoughts. Wait, I've got it. Predator versus Batman. Why has no one done this? I need a pen, where's a pen? Oh, right, I can't move. That's okay, I'll remember it. I mean, I can't forget a million-dollar-idea like that. It's even better than the one yesterday about the guys who... Wait, I mean the woman with the... What was it? Was she a shapeshifter? Damn it, I just had it. All right, calm down. At least you've still got Batman and the.... It was Batman Meets.... Oh, you got to be kidding me, I just had it. What was it, Batman Has a Son? No, no, you fucking idiot. No wonder your wife shot you.

[Brian is reading the paper when Peter walks up to him]
Peter: Um, hey, Brian, when you're done, can I make a pirate hat?
Brian: [sighs] Here, just take it.
[Brian gives Peter the paper and Peter makes it into a pirate hat and puts it on his head]
Peter: I look awesome. Alright, I got to go to a wedding. I'll see you later.

[Brian comes into Stewie's room after his ordeal on "Real Time with Bill Maher"]
Brian: Uh, knock-knock. Hey, Stewie.
Stewie: What do you want?
Brian: I just want to talk to you about everything that happened. Um, you know, you were the only person who believed in me when I was down. This all happened so fast, and I lost sight of who I was. I mean, you know, sure, you were in a little over your head, but...
Stewie: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was in over my head?
Brian: Yeah, but, Stewie, this isn't about all the things you did wrong. It's about me apologizing.
Stewie: Okay, then apologize.
Brian: I just did.
Stewie: No, you didn't. You just said, "It's about me apologizing." That's not actually apologizing.
Brian: All right, Stewie, I'm sorry that I made you uncomfortable and put you in a situation that you clearly couldn't handle.
Stewie: Okay, okay, there it is again. What the hell? Stop with that!
Brian:'re right. You're right. This is, this is about healing. This, this is not about how many things you messed up along the way. It's about how badly I reacted to them. So, I'm sorry about how badly I reacted to your many errors.
Stewie: That's as good as it's going to get, isn't it?
Brian: Pretty much.
Stewie: You can't write.

Brian: What the hell is your problem, Zsa Zsa?
Arianna Huffington: What is yours, Snoopy?

Bill Maher: Help is such a strong word. How does this help people with cancer or in Darfur?
Brian: Well, it's not really for that. It's for like, if you want a car or something.
Bill Maher: H...H...H...How will this help you buy a car?
Brian: Well it does not with that attitude.

Brian: sounds like you're talking with a mouthful of syrup.
Arianna: Hey, fuck you, man.

Dana Gould: Like you could wish it and you could do it but it is missing the ideas needed to help people get their goals. What do you have to say?
Brian: Oh and you forgot "Want it" which is a big part of the book.
Bill Maher: And that is another thing...aren't "Wish It" and "Want It" the same thing? Your book basically makes three points and two are them are the same point!

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