- Man: Today's feature presentation of Glory will not be seen.
- Peter: What? Aw, I love that movie. Aw man, that's gonna leave a big hole in their line-up. What's gonna fill the Glory-hole?
- Man: In place of Glory, we will be showing Shaft starring Richard Roundtree.
- Peter: What? You can't just shove Shaft in the Glory-hole.
- [Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]
- Brian: Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there.
- Bonnie: Uh, huh. Can you open the sliding door?
- [Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff]
- Bonnie: I'll take it.
- [Stewie finds Brian hiding from Quagmire in his toy box]
- Stewie: Brian, what are you doing?
- Brian: I'm hiding from Quagmire for a few more hours. After that, he won't be able to pull out of that deal.
- Stewie: Well, if anybody knows how to "pull out," it's Quagmire.
- Peter: Just gimme the rope! Nobody has to get hurt, Brian. [crashes into a bicyclist] Only one person has to get hurt.
- Brian: [injured because of Peter's greed] Dammit, Peter, what were you thinking? This has to be the stupidest thing you've ever done!
- Peter: No Brian, the stupidest thing I ever did was turn the bubbles off in a hot tub. [cut to said incident] Yeah, party! [shuts off the bubbles] Eww, baths with friends.
- Chris: This is the craziest meal I've had since I had lunch at Tommy Sullivan's house. [cut to said incident] Very good macaroni and cheese, Mrs. Sullivan.
- Mrs. Sullivan: Thank you, Chris.
- [cut back to the present]
- Peter: That was just awful, Chris.
- Lois: Terrible!
- Peter: He is not ready for flashbacks.
- Lois: No, he is not.
- Peter: [about Dumb Beaver] We use him just the right amount.
- Lois: [with gargantuan breasts] I don't know what happened. I told the doctor C cups.
- Peter: I told him something else.
- Dumb Beaver: I think he did a "dam" good job.
- Peter: Okay, now we've used him too much.
- Peter: [about Prescott Towers] The ceiling is a pool! The ceiling is a pool! Quagmire, you gotta get this!
- Peter: [shoving scissors up his nose at a meeting] Hey guys? I gotta leave. I got a nosebleed and, uh, I don't work here.
- Peter: Never judge a book by its cover. Or a movie. [cut to him punching a movie titled "Funny People"] No!
- [They are coming in their flat and Quagmire looks surprised noticing what this place actually is]
- Joe: It's probably nothing but there is a stain on the rug with the shape of a little kid.
- Cleveland: I don't know if you want this now but I bought you a mini-cactus.
- Quagmire: What the hell?! THIS IS A DUMP!!!
- Peter: Well, maybe it still got a nice ocean view? [opens the window only to see a sick old man next door]
- Old man: [dry voice] The harbor is poisoned...
- [Peter closes the window]
- Quagmire: DAMMIT, BRIAN SCREWED ME!
- Quagmire: You are such a scumbag. You know, when you were poor, you were always a douche, but at least you came by it honestly. But now? Screwin' over the people who helped you?! I don't know how you sleep at night.
- Brian: [sighs] My God. You're right! I'm a jerk. I'm a selfish and pretentious jerk, and you're the only guy in town who's ever called me out on my crap. You know, I used to hate you for it, but now I think you're the only person who is trying to be my friend.
- Quagmire: No, I think you're misunderstanding me.
- Brian: No, I'm serious. Even though I know you never liked me, you still helped me when I really needed it. That says a lot about your character. I'm ashamed of myself because I am none of the things you are. You're honest and direct and compassionate and... [his phone chimes] that is 72 hours! Enjoy your craphole, dumbass!
- Quagmire: You son of a bitch!
- Lois: I guess that's it for you and real estate, huh Brian?
- Brian: Yeah, it was a lot tougher than I thought.
- Lois: [sarcastic] Oh yeah, it's real hard bein' a real estate agent. I mean, you gotta be able to count bathrooms.
- Peter: I once beat a real estate agent in a game of chess. Me! A well-known buffoon!
- Brian: Come on, guys, gimme a break. I had a rough day.
- Meg: You've had a rough day? You guys wouldn't believe the day I've had. First of all, I didn't have any clean underwear this morning, so I had to wear a bathing suit. Then I missed the bus, of course, then it looked like it was gonna start to rain. Luckily it didn't, and like that wasn't enough, then we had a pop quiz in history. [Peter forces scissors up his nose] Oh, European history, American history was last year. Then...
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Brian the Closer's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 12 | Family Guy Season 13 | Season 14 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | The Simpsons Guy | #07 | Stewie, Chris & Brian's Excellent Adventure | #13 | Dr. C & The Women | ||||||
| #02 | The Book of Joe | #08 | Our Idiot Brian | #14 | #JOLO | ||||||
| #03 | Baking Bad | #09 | This Little Piggy | #15 | Once Bitten | ||||||
| #04 | Brian the Closer | #10 | Quagmire's Mom | #16 | Roasted Guy | ||||||
| #05 | Turkey Guys | #11 | Encyclopedia Griffin | #17 | Fighting Irish | ||||||
| #06 | The 2000-Year-Old Virgin | #12 | Stewie Is Enceinte | #18 | Take My Wife |
| |||||