[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]
Stewie: She's camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard.

[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters.]
Peter: Toast house!

Stewie: I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.

Lois: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [gets bitten] Ow! Screw you, you little turd!

Stewie: [at a lemonade stand] Chris, pour the man his lemonade.
Chris: [trapped in a pitcher] I can't! The lemonade tricked me and got away.
Lemonade: [running off] Lemons are God's children!

Lois: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter!
Peter: Yay! [blows out both cakes' candles]
Stewie: Oh, come on!
Peter: Yay, double wishes! [a meteorite lands on Meg] One. [the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar] Two.

Stewie: All right Rupert, time to break up Lois and The Fat Man before they can conceive me by pressing butts together. Well you don't know either!

Stewie: That's right. Stewie Long Legs just blew your mind.

Chris: It took three years, but I am finally through all that porn.

Meg: Great. The string broke again. [opens the bathroom door and sees Stewie] Hey, there, tiny hands!

Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at four dollars!

Peter: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
Chris: Where?
Peter: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep. [Chris crashes into and breaks the TV]
Stewie: No!
Lois: Peter, what's going on in...
Peter: [smacking Lois with his mattress] Unga bunga!

Brian: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
Stewie: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV. [his face turns red as he starts crying] I want to watch my show!

Lois: I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall!
Peter: That wasn't me! Must've been one of the kids!
Lois: That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!
[cut to Meg in the basement clawing at the door]
Peter: You know something? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!

Nigel: Sir, it's 6 P.M., and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo.
Stewie: Nigel, yesterday I saw you smile. Is that something I need to bring up with my father?
Nigel: I was just imagining my own death, sir.

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