- [Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]
- Stewie: She's camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard.
- [Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters.]
- Peter: Toast house!
- Stewie: I'm gonna live-tweet the show and ruin it for everyone in other time zones.
- Lois: Oh no, Stewie's havin' a tantrum. Come here, sweetie. [gets bitten] Ow! Screw you, you little turd!
- Stewie: [at a lemonade stand] Chris, pour the man his lemonade.
- Chris: [trapped in a pitcher] I can't! The lemonade tricked me and got away.
- Lemonade: [running off] Lemons are God's children!
- Lois: Happy birthday, Stewie! And here's your equal attention cake, Peter!
- Peter: Yay! [blows out both cakes' candles]
- Stewie: Oh, come on!
- Peter: Yay, double wishes! [a meteorite lands on Meg] One. [the meteorite splits to reveal a Snickers bar] Two.
- Stewie: All right Rupert, time to break up Lois and The Fat Man before they can conceive me by pressing butts together. Well you don't know either!
- Stewie: That's right. Stewie Long Legs just blew your mind.
- Chris: It took three years, but I am finally through all that porn.
- Meg: Great. The string broke again. [opens the bathroom door and sees Stewie] Hey, there, tiny hands!
- Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at four dollars!
- Peter: Chris, look! Mom's naked!
- Chris: Where?
- Peter: [smacking Chris with his mattress] You creep. [Chris crashes into and breaks the TV]
- Stewie: No!
- Lois: Peter, what's going on in...
- Peter: [smacking Lois with his mattress] Unga bunga!
- Brian: Stewie, just watch your show upstairs.
- Stewie: I don't want to watch it upstairs on the small TV, I want to watch it downstairs on the big TV. [his face turns red as he starts crying] I want to watch my show!
- Lois: I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall!
- Peter: That wasn't me! Must've been one of the kids!
- Lois: That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!
- [cut to Meg in the basement clawing at the door]
- Peter: You know something? I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!
- Nigel: Sir, it's 6 P.M., and you're still in your 5:45 tuxedo.
- Stewie: Nigel, yesterday I saw you smile. Is that something I need to bring up with my father?
- Nigel: I was just imagining my own death, sir.
- Lois: [puts Stewie in bed] You've earned yourself a time-out, young man. Now you stay in here until you can behave. [closes the door]
- Stewie: I HATE YOU! You always ruin everything! God, it's a family of idiots! I wish...I wish I was never born! [he sees Rupert wearing a fire helmet] Not tonight, Rupert. I'm much too upset.
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Chap Stewie's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 11 | Family Guy Season 12 | Season 13 >> | |||||||||
| #01 | Finders Keepers | #08 | Christmas Guy | #15 | Secondhand Spoke | ||||||
| #02 | Vestigial Peter | #09 | Peter Problems | #16 | Herpe, the Love Sore | ||||||
| #03 | Quagmire's Quagmire | #10 | Grimm Job | #17 | The Most Interesting Man in the World | ||||||
| #04 | A Fistful of Meg | #11 | Brian's a Bad Father | #18 | Baby Got Black | ||||||
| #05 | Boopa-Dee Bappa-Dee | #12 | Mom's the Word | #19 | Meg Stinks! | ||||||
| #06 | Life of Brian | #13 | 3 Acts of God | #20 | He's Bla-ack! | ||||||
| #07 | In Harmony's Way | #14 | Fresh Heir | #21 | Chap Stewie | ||||||