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[For a complete script, see: "Chick Cancer" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Stewie and Olivia are making fun of people in park]
Stewie: Oh, oh, look at this. Look at this guy. Look at this. What is that? What is he doing? Just standing there, smelling his hand? "What is that?"
Olivia: [Giggling]
Stewie: "What is that on my hand? Is that barbecue sauce?"
Olivia: [Still giggling]
Stewie: "When was I near barbecue sauce?"
Olivia: [Chuckling] Oh, look, look! Jewish cowboy! Jewish cowboy!
Stewie: Yeah. Not gonna be so tough when the sun goes down, are you?
Stewie and Olivia: [Laughing]
Stewie: Better go rassle up some Chinese food, Hopalong Nussbaum.
Stewie and Olivia: [Laughing again]
Olivia: Y'know, Stewie, I'm really glad I gave you another chance. You are a really special guy.
Stewie: I know. [Fake laughing to impress Olivia]
Olivia: [Chuckling]
Stewie: No, no, I'm kidding. I'm not really that self-centered. But,y...y...y'know, Olivia, I can't think of any place I'd rather be than right here, right now with you.
Olivia: Oh, look at this guy. Now, there's someone who cuts his own hair.
Stewie: [Chuckling] Yeah, no kiddin'. Oh my God. Oh...oh...oh, check out this uptight Asian guy. Look at that. I work really hard, 'cause I'm no fun!
Olivia: Bwannnggggg!

Lois: [Meeting Sandra Oh] Oh my God, Sandra Oh! We loved you in Sideways.
Sandra Oh: Thank you.
Peter: WE SEE YOU IN MANY MOVIES. I THINK ABOUT YOU WHILE HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE. [pulls out one dollar bill] I THANK YOU WITH ONE DOLLAR. [to Lois] That's a lot of money to them.

Peter: Okay, Joe, lose the wheelchair and lets do this.
Joe: Peter, I can't lose the wheelchair, I need it to move.
Peter: Okay, but you character can walk.
Joe: Peter, I'm handicapped, I can't walk.

Peter: [Crying, wiping cheek with tissue] Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equaled only by your sense of love.
Lois: [Walks into living room] Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies women only made me cry through my penis, now they make me cry through my eyes. I've decided. I'm making my own chick flick.
Lois: What? You don't know anything about making movies.
Peter: Are you kiddin'? I got lots of experience in the film industry. I was the original Pretty Woman.

Stewie: [Upon setting fire to his and Olivia's cardboard play house] Idea for a farce: cheating wife and pompous ass burned alive! AHAHAHA!

Brian: So what happened?
Stewie: Well, you want to know what I learned this week? Being a grown up sucks. Women, Brian, what a royal pain in the ass! It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, y'know? Just live with someone of your own sex. Just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, y'know? Why don't guys do that?
Brian: They do. It's called being gay.
Stewie: Oh THAT'S what gay is? Yeah, I could totally get into that.

Stewie: What would I be if I left now?
Brian: You'd be a black man.
Stewie: Whoah, where did that come from?
Brian: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That was my dad talking.
Stewie: You need some help with that. Bad dog.

Stewie: Uh, what's for dinner?
Olivia: [reaches behind her to grab the Play-doh Fun Factory machine] Play-Doh spaghetti.
Stewie: Oh..
Olivia: What?
Stewie: No, no, it''s nothing, just had Play-Doh spaghetti last night [pauses; under his breath] and that's all we had last night.
Olivia: [angry] What does that mean?
Stewie: Oh I don't know Olivia, uh maybe that we are in a sex-less marriage, we have yet to have sex..
Olivia: Do you even know what sex is?
Stewie: [angrily] That's not the point, don't change's a kind of cake.

Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: Yeah?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: What?
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: I know.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [annoyed] I know.
Brian: No, Stewie, Stewie. It's not your fault.
Stewie: Don't do this to me man, not you man.
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: Screw you, cut it out man!
Brian: It's not your fault.
Stewie: [cries] Why is it so hard? I didn't know it was going to be so hard.

Stewie: [to Olivia] Well, if you think I'm a baby, then perhaps I should act like a baby! Waaah! Waaah! Waaah!
Man: Hey, can you keep that kid quiet?
Stewie: Oh, oh, oh, what's that? What's that, sir? What's that, uh, uh I'm, I'm sorry, am I being too loud for you? You want to come over here and quiet me down?
Olivia: Oh, let's not do this.
Brian: Oh God, Stewie, come on.
Jillian: I'm scared.
Stewie: No, it's okay. It's okay. Sir, do you feel strong? You want to come over here?
Man: No, I want to stay here and have my steak.
Stewie: Oh yeah?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: What is that, the Porterhouse?
Man: Yeah!
Stewie: How is it?
Man: What do you care?
Stewie: If we weren't fighting, would you recommend it?
Man: Yeah, I would.
Stewie: Well, I know what I'm getting.

Lois: Help! Help! I'm drownin'! Help!

Peter: ...and she died from a rotten vagina.

[After the premier of "Steel Vaginas"]
Joe: Wow, that was the worst piece of crap I ever seen.
Mort: Oh my God, that was a abomination.
Quagmire: AWFUL, AWFUL, AWFUL!!!
Joe: ...My ass is actually sore. MY ASS... is actually sore.

Tom Tucker: Coming up, a New Orleans man says his socks are finally dry.

Brian: There we go. You are ready for your date. Yeah, that's a bed-head, yeah. Hey look at you, you just got out of bed. You're the underachiever every woman wants to sleep with.

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