Doctor: This is quite a miracle Mr. Griffin, would you like to have a look?
Peter: Yeah y'know, I've never seen a live baby being...oh God!

Stewie: I say, am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? [double clap] A little service here!

Manager of Cheesie Charlie's: If the kids have enough tickets, they get a prize.
Timmy: I have 13 tickets, now. Is that enough?
Man behind the counter: Oh, sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live.

[Enter Peter, riding an elephant in the backyard, during Stewie's party]
Peter: Hey, look, Lois! The 2 symbols of the Republican party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who's threatened by change.

Brian: Bravo, Peter. You are the Spalding Gray of crap.

Peter: Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father, a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.

Chris: It's cool, Dad. They have this game where you put in a dollar, and you win four quarters. I win every time!

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