Family Guy Wiki
Don't have an account?
Register
Family Guy Wiki
Advertisement
Register
Family Guy Wiki
Family Guy Wiki
7,804
pages
in: Episodes, Season 20

Christmas Crime/Quotes

< Christmas Crime
Sign in to edit
[Lois announces it's time to go to the Quahog tree lighting ceremony]
Meg: Sweet. Tree lighting. Guess that means it's showtime. [takes out a bag of eggs]
Peter: Wait...what is this?
Meg: Oh, nothing. Just my own tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lighting.
Peter: Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg really is dark and different.
Meg: Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.
Wild: Right here, in front of City Hall, I'm placing this wooden Nativity Scene, that I whittled myself from a peach tree, what was rat-tailed by a lighting in a recent meteorlogical electricities.
Brian: Oh, great. Just what we need. A religious display on public property. Can't believe this is what my tax dollars are paying for.
Quagmire: [scoff] Last I heard, you've never paid taxes in your life.
Brian: Only cuz I've never made enough money! Ha!
Cleveland: Brian, I can laugh at a lot of things but Jesus Christ is not two of them.
Happy Asking Panda: Yay! Merry holiday data information!
Quagmire: He's not Australian! He namechecks Vancouver in the song!
Joe: A guy from Australia can't know where Vancouver is? Feels kind of racist.
Cleveland: Mmm-hmm.
Brian: You kno...You guys know, all...wha...this holiday is all about, right? It's all about this! [makes the "pay me" sign]
Cleveland: The world's smallest violin?
Quagmire: A scrotal massage?
Joe: Ah, just like in the old country?
Brian: You know what? Screw you guys! Alright? Screw Frosty! Screw Guaraldi! Screw both Rankin and Bass!
[Brian drunkenly leaves the Clam in anger]
Joe: I'm with him on Rankin, but come on, what did Bass do?
Tom: Mayor West, what can you tell us about the disappearance and also about my parking ticket and I'll remind you the tree limb was blocking the sign.
Wild: That tree was a hardwood, Mr. Tucker and there wouldn't have been a leaf on it, 'til mid-May.
Tom: The printing of the restricted times was also faded.
Wild: Whoever took that Nativity Scene best sleep with one eye open cuz I'm on your trail and I'm gunna hunt you down like the mighty grizzly hunts a Slim Jim left on the dashboard of a Ford Taurus...I regret that the west has changed.
Brian: That's rather odd. Who would steal a Nativity Scene? [his voice gets higher]
[Stewie slowly turns his head Brian's way]
Stewie: Wanna tell me what's going on, champ?
[Peter recognizes Wild West from the news]
Peter: Hey, you're the man from the TV. Please come in. I'm the man from the couch.
McGruff the Crime Dog: Take a bite out of crime.
Brian: And don't forget to bark at it.
Wild: What's in a Nativity Scene?
Brian: Nativity Scene, sure, uh. Well, you've got your drummer, uh, probably a bassist too. Um, Jesus, of course. Um, ...Mr. Christ?...I'm gunna say Santa? Then also the elves. Uh, the pig who makes friends with a spider. Writes, uh, nice things in its web....S...S...S...Slate? S...Somebody named Slater?
Wild: I think he's from Saved by the Bell.
[Red is the last M&M in the M&M's advent calendar]
Red: You ate my whole family, you fat bastard. [pulls out a gun] One more day.
Red MM
Wild's Secretary: Sir, as you've requested, I've transcribed all your text messages onto pieces of dried cow hyde.
Wild: [reading through his texts] Spirit Airlines parking lit. Parking lit. Parking lit. Asterisk, lot. LOL.
[Wild West rides his horse to pick up his Aunt Betty from the airport]
Aunt Betty: Oh, you really didn't have to do this.
Wild: We both know I did.
Wild: Brian, is there anything you wanna say about the Baby Jesus-shaped dent in the hood of your car?
Brian: Oh, come on! That doesn't prove anything! That could be any baby I hit with my car.
Wild: Brian Griffin, you're under arrest.
[Everybody gasps]
Peter: Just for destroying public property and fleeing the scene of the crime?
Stewie: Why are we not leading with drunk driving?
Wild: I'm afraid I have to take you to jail.
Lois: [pretending to care] Oh, no. Not Brian. Do we get the Hallmark channel back?
Brian: You get three square meals in jail, right?
Wild: Well, I can't speak for the shape but the numbers sound right.
Peter: Hey, Brian. Sorry about the sling. I got shot by an M&M.
Peter: Well, it certainly is great seeing you, Brian.
[Peter sends a text to Joe and Joe comes in, reading it]
Joe: Hey, guys, unfortunarely visiting hours end at...[looks at his watch]...10:14.
Peter: [pretending to care] Aw, aw. It's like we just got here. Aw.
Brian: The "Penis" is right. I do miss my family.
Wild: Why don't you head outside to your family?
Brian: I will, but first there's something I gotta do.
[Brian rebuilds the broken Nativity Scene out of the broken wood]
Brian: [thinking Wild will like it] Eh?
Wild: [dissatisfied] It's like you killed him all over again.
[Chinese spies gather intel on The Griffins through the Happy Asking Panda]
Chinese Woman: [gives her boss a file] The Griffin assets, sir.
Chinese Man: At last. [reads the file] $17? The bear cost $23 to make! Oh, no.
[The entire Chinese spy business collapses]
Peter: [narration] Can't rob America if America's broke. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Previous Episode's Quotes /// Christmas Crime's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes


Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.
Advertisement