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in: Episodes, Season 18

Changes: Christmas is Coming/Quotes

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|prev_ep = Shanksgiving
  
|prev_ep = Shanksgiving
 
|next_ep = Connie's Celica
  
|next_ep = Connie's Celica
  +
|contents = ''[For a complete script, see: "[https://transcripts.fandom.com/wiki/Christmas_is_Coming Christmas is Coming]" at the Transcripts Wiki]''
−
|contents =
 
  +
----
−  
  +
:''[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]''
  +
:'''Brian''': Wow, okay, uh...Stewie I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her 'Little Mermaid' 'Moana.'
  +
----
  +
:'''Principal Shepherd''': And now, Adam West High School choir's original Christmas song, "[[Die Hard]]". I see those looks. Yes, the movie was originally released in summer but it took place on Christmas eve, which makes it a Christmas film.
  +
:'''Peter''': ''[takes out a rule book]'' I guess we don't need this for anything.
  +
----
  +
:'''Chris''': Hey, Mr. Quagmire. Getting ready for the birth of Christ?...WHICH HAPPENED!
  +
----
  +
:''[Meg leaves the living room]''
  +
:'''Lois''': She's gone! Quick, let's take the picture for the Christmas card!
  +
:''[The family takes a picture and the card ends up with a picture of Peter's ass pimple]''
  +
:'''Peter''': I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens'.
  +
----
  +
:'''Rabbi''': I want a new TV and it can't be a Vizeo, Sony or Samsung only and I want it all set up before I turn it on. I don't wanna have to do any of the things!
  +
----
  +
:'''Meg''': ''[about to climax]'' Shut up, everyone!...Shut up! SHUT UP!...JUST SHUT UP!
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': Meg, what are you doing? You look like mom, when she sits on the washing machine.
  +
----
  +
:''[A woman watches Meg have an orgasm]''
  +
:'''Woman''': I'll have what she's having.
  +
----
  +
:'''Lois''': What's going on?
  +
:'''Meg''': Mom, I think I met someone.
  +
:'''Lois''': Oh, Meg, that's amazing! I wanna know all about him. What's his name?
  +
:'''Meg''': Let's just call him "beard boy".
  +
:'''Lois''': Ooooohhh! It's like I'm in ''[[Sex and the City|Sex with the City]]''.
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': Brian, would you hand me the fat man's fancy puking hat?
  +
:''[Stewie barfs into the hat]''
  +
:'''Stewie''': God this hat is deep.
  +
:''[Peter enters]''
  +
:'''Peter''': Oh, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera.
  +
:''[Peter watches the opera and barf seeps down his face]''
  +
:'''Peter''': This opera stinks.
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': I've gotta hide!
  +
:''[Stewie covers his eyes and Meg comes by to pick him up]''
  +
:'''Stewie''': How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot!
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': Oh and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw, I know you've been faking it this whole time.
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise. ''[singing]'' We're off on a road to Ohio. ''[normal]'' "Hi" in the middle and round at both ends.
  +
----
  +
:''[Meg finds out Peter is a mall Santa]''
  +
:'''Meg''': Dad, I'm gonna ask you a question and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
  +
:'''Peter''': No.
  +
:'''Meg''': Oh, thank God.
  +
:'''Peter''': Now, Meg. I got a question for you. Is there really a weight limit for the escalator or did I just meet some mean kids?
  +
----
  +
:'''Elf''': Lady, I've been thrown into so many gongs, I don't even remember my own name.
  +
----
  +
:'''Stewie''': Santa's a good guy because he keeps a list? You know who else kept a list? Hitler!
  +
:'''Kid''': My uncle, who moved to the Idaho wilderness, says Hitler was a great man.
  +
----
  +
:'''Meg''': Stewie, when this is over, I'm buying you a new toy.
  +
:'''Stewie''': Meg, when this is over, I'm putting rocks in my pockets and walking into the mall fountain.
  +
----
  +
:'''Meg''': How much longer is this gonna take?
  +
:'''Elf''': I don't know. 400 minutes? One reason I work as a seasonal elf is I'm not great at time estimates.
  +
:'''Guy''': ''[offscreen]'' Next.
  +
:'''Elf''': See? 400 minutes! Even a broken clock is right six times a day.
  +
----
  +
:''[Meg rips the mall Santa's beard off]''
  +
:'''Holden Caulfield''': He's a PHONY! A great big PHONY!
  +
----
  +
:''[Stewie prepares to kill himself]''
  +
:'''Stewie''': Time to sleep in heavenly peace.
  +
----
  +
:'''Woody''': Wow! Looks like that baby is all wet!
  +
----
  +
:''[Brian pretends to be Santa]''
  +
:'''Brian''': Just try to have a good Christmas.
  +
:'''Stewie''': Uh, speaking of that, I want a new dog.
  +
:'''Brian''': What's...wrong with the dog you have?
  +
:'''Stewie''': Eh, he's okay. I just...I just want a new one.
  +
:'''Brian''': Maybe, you can spend more time with the old one, before you make any decisions.
  +
:'''Stewie''': Nah. Want a new one. Thanks, Santa.
  +
----
  +
:''[Chris finds Brian dressed as Santa]''
  +
:'''Chris''': Oh my God! Santa! I want a new dog!
  +
:'''Brian''': Oh, come on!
  +
----
  +
:''[Peter enters Meg's room]''
  +
:'''Peter''': There you are. I had a Hell of a time, finding your room.
  +
----
  +
:'''Santa''': I try to visit every mall at least once, during Christmas. Except for Long Island malls. Those people are a bit much.
  +
----
  +
:'''Meg''': I can't believe I ... you know, "grew up" all over you.
  +
:'''Santa''': It's okay, Meg. You see, I know what each and every person needs for Christmas. For you, it was your first time seeing Jimmy Connors.
  +
----
  +
:'''Meg''': Alright, I'm gunna put my leg on up this back tire and take a shewee.
  +
:'''Santa''': You know, you don't have to say everything out loud, Meg.
  +
----
  +
:'''Jimmy Connors''': Meg? Hi, Merry Christmas. I'm tennis bad boy, Jimmy Connors.
  +
:'''Meg''': How did you get in here?
  +
:'''Jimmy Connors''': I came in through your baby's window. You can just open it.
  +
:'''Stewie''': ''[offscreen]'' Men are now just coming in at will!
  +
----
  +
:'''Jimmy Connors''': Meg, I think you're gonna be just fine, but just in case, here. I want you to have these.
  +
:''[Jimmy gives Meg two tennis balls]''
  +
:'''Meg''': Your balls?
  +
:'''Jimmy Connors''': That's right. Whenever you need me, just rub my balls and I'll come.
 
}}
  
}}
 
{{Season18Nav}}
  
{{Season18Nav}}

Revision as of 19:40, 5 June 2020

[For a complete script, see: "Christmas is Coming" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
Brian: Wow, okay, uh...Stewie I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her 'Little Mermaid' 'Moana.'
Principal Shepherd: And now, Adam West High School choir's original Christmas song, "Die Hard". I see those looks. Yes, the movie was originally released in summer but it took place on Christmas eve, which makes it a Christmas film.
Peter: [takes out a rule book] I guess we don't need this for anything.
Chris: Hey, Mr. Quagmire. Getting ready for the birth of Christ?...WHICH HAPPENED!
[Meg leaves the living room]
Lois: She's gone! Quick, let's take the picture for the Christmas card!
[The family takes a picture and the card ends up with a picture of Peter's ass pimple]
Peter: I sent the wrong picture to Walgreens'.
Rabbi: I want a new TV and it can't be a Vizeo, Sony or Samsung only and I want it all set up before I turn it on. I don't wanna have to do any of the things!
Meg: [about to climax] Shut up, everyone!...Shut up! SHUT UP!...JUST SHUT UP!
Stewie: Meg, what are you doing? You look like mom, when she sits on the washing machine.
[A woman watches Meg have an orgasm]
Woman: I'll have what she's having.
Lois: What's going on?
Meg: Mom, I think I met someone.
Lois: Oh, Meg, that's amazing! I wanna know all about him. What's his name?
Meg: Let's just call him "beard boy".
Lois: Ooooohhh! It's like I'm in Sex with the City.
Stewie: Brian, would you hand me the fat man's fancy puking hat?
[Stewie barfs into the hat]
Stewie: God this hat is deep.
[Peter enters]
Peter: Oh, there's my hat. Kids, I'm off to the opera.
[Peter watches the opera and barf seeps down his face]
Peter: This opera stinks.
Stewie: I've gotta hide!
[Stewie covers his eyes and Meg comes by to pick him up]
Stewie: How did she find me? That's my best hiding spot!
Stewie: Oh and by the way, Rupert, after what I saw, I know you've been faking it this whole time.
Stewie: Next road show, Stewie and Meg. Promise. [singing] We're off on a road to Ohio. [normal] "Hi" in the middle and round at both ends.
[Meg finds out Peter is a mall Santa]
Meg: Dad, I'm gonna ask you a question and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
Peter: No.
Meg: Oh, thank God.
Peter: Now, Meg. I got a question for you. Is there really a weight limit for the escalator or did I just meet some mean kids?
Elf: Lady, I've been thrown into so many gongs, I don't even remember my own name.
Stewie: Santa's a good guy because he keeps a list? You know who else kept a list? Hitler!
Kid: My uncle, who moved to the Idaho wilderness, says Hitler was a great man.
Meg: Stewie, when this is over, I'm buying you a new toy.
Stewie: Meg, when this is over, I'm putting rocks in my pockets and walking into the mall fountain.
Meg: How much longer is this gonna take?
Elf: I don't know. 400 minutes? One reason I work as a seasonal elf is I'm not great at time estimates.
Guy: [offscreen] Next.
Elf: See? 400 minutes! Even a broken clock is right six times a day.
[Meg rips the mall Santa's beard off]
Holden Caulfield: He's a PHONY! A great big PHONY!
[Stewie prepares to kill himself]
Stewie: Time to sleep in heavenly peace.
Woody: Wow! Looks like that baby is all wet!
[Brian pretends to be Santa]
Brian: Just try to have a good Christmas.
Stewie: Uh, speaking of that, I want a new dog.
Brian: What's...wrong with the dog you have?
Stewie: Eh, he's okay. I just...I just want a new one.
Brian: Maybe, you can spend more time with the old one, before you make any decisions.
Stewie: Nah. Want a new one. Thanks, Santa.
[Chris finds Brian dressed as Santa]
Chris: Oh my God! Santa! I want a new dog!
Brian: Oh, come on!
[Peter enters Meg's room]
Peter: There you are. I had a Hell of a time, finding your room.
Santa: I try to visit every mall at least once, during Christmas. Except for Long Island malls. Those people are a bit much.
Meg: I can't believe I ... you know, "grew up" all over you.
Santa: It's okay, Meg. You see, I know what each and every person needs for Christmas. For you, it was your first time seeing Jimmy Connors.
Meg: Alright, I'm gunna put my leg on up this back tire and take a shewee.
Santa: You know, you don't have to say everything out loud, Meg.
Jimmy Connors: Meg? Hi, Merry Christmas. I'm tennis bad boy, Jimmy Connors.
Meg: How did you get in here?
Jimmy Connors: I came in through your baby's window. You can just open it.
Stewie: [offscreen] Men are now just coming in at will!
Jimmy Connors: Meg, I think you're gonna be just fine, but just in case, here. I want you to have these.
[Jimmy gives Meg two tennis balls]
Meg: Your balls?
Jimmy Connors: That's right. Whenever you need me, just rub my balls and I'll come.

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