[For a complete script, see: "Coma Guy" at the Transcripts Wiki]
Brian: [trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!
Brian:[observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!
Cleveland: I only read four books in my life and three of them were about Johnny Bench.
Lois: Starting tomorrow, you are reading one of these books.
Peter: Little Women, Holes, The Giver. These are all porn categories. Black Beauty? Is there anything here that's not pornography?
Lois: 1984! Just read 1984.
Peter: You guys have 1984?
Joanna: We've got it on CD. CD. Ha! Sounds like my high school report card.
Peter: This is books!? Books kick ass!
Meg: It's crazy like JFK deciding to cruise through Dallas in a rental.
[Cutaway gag to a secret service agent returning the car to the rental shop]
Car Dealer: How'd that convertible work out for you?
Secret Service: Yeah, I don't...I don't know. Good...Okay.
Car Dealer: And did you get all your stuff out of the car?
Secret Service: ...Kind of?
[Cops talks over the radio]
Officer Stickbutt: Dammit!
Joe: What? what happened?
Officer Stickbutt: Get off this channel, Joe!
Joe: What? I wanna be an outside cop!
[Peter's family visit him when he's in a coma]
Dr. Gravitas: It's very important that you speak to Peter. He can hear you. Talk about the good times. What he means to you. Talk and keep talking.
[The family goes silent for a few seconds]
Lois: Let's just turn on the TV.
[Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin back in and out of the bushes]
Peter: Not a meme.
Peter: Not a meme.
Peter: The Godfather insists upon itself.
[Peter's friends visit him in the hospital]
Joe: Hey,...if this goes south,...is there a plan for Peter's rakes?...Who's just get Peter's rake?
Chris: What did I tell you, mom? What did I tell you?
Joe: What? I thought it'd just be one less thing to worry about Peter.
Cleveland: You came out of the blocks too soon, Joe.
Bonnie: Oh, Lois. I came as soon as I heard. So, have you guys made any arrangements, rake wise?
Joe: Bonnie. Ixnay on the Akesray?
[Peter's heart rate starts back up and Dr. Hartman covers his face with the blanket as though he was dead]
Dr. Gravitas: No! That's the good sound!
Dr. Hartman: Oh, why don't you just do everything!? [leaves in a huff] I hate this stupid hospital.
Peter: Wasn't a true story, right?
Jose: No, it was fictional. Somebody make it up out of their head.
Peter: Mayor West? Angela? My dad? Quagmire's fat girlfriend who died in the Clue episode?
Dr. Hartman: Mrs. Griffin, I have some good news or some bad news, depending on how you feel about your husband.
[Peter is about to board the boat to his death]
Peter: Hey, before I go. What's the boat's wi-fi password?
Jose: Oh, there's no wi-fi on board.
Peter: [horrified] I DON'T WANNA GO!!!
Peter: I'm alive!
Mortgage Guy: I'm from the mortgage company. Mr. Griffin, you're three months late on your payment.
Peter: [pretends to be dead] Beeeeeeeep.
Lois: You know what it's like being married to you!? Every day, wondering if my husband's gunna die from something stupid!? Crashing your Petercopter, getting eaten at the zoo, running into a tunnel that's not really a tunnel but just something the Roadrunner painted on the side of a rock!
Peter: Yeah, well I saw him go through it!
Fly: [singing] And who am I? I'm a fly on the wall. A fly who's seen it all.
[Peter squashes the fly]
Peter: Aw, dammit! Now we gotta repaint!
Meg: Mom, what is it?
Lois: I thought maybe your father would show up at the last second and we'd have one of those airport scenes.
Brian: That's a nice movie trope, Lois, but the post-9/11 reality is, there's no way a non-ticketed civilian can-
[Peter crashes his car through the wall]
Peter: Lois! Kids!
Chris: Dad came! Brian was wrong again!
Peter: Maybe that's what a family is, you know? A bunch of people who try to kill each other.
Chris: I don't think that's what a family is.
Stewie: Eh, it is, kinda.
Peter: If I gotta have my plug pulled by somebody, I want it to be you and you're the only people who's plug I wanna pull.
Chris: Well, we all learned an important lesson. No one should ever read a book.
Chris: Oh my God, you guys! Another space shuttle exploded!
Peter: [sigh] Well, there's only one thing to do. Let's paint.
Fly: [singing] When shuttles blow up, it's not always an accident.
Stewie: What do you mean, not an accident? Who is this guy, singing?
Fly: [singing] And who am I? A conspiracy fly. Did you know NASA means "deceive" in Hebrew?