[For a complete script, see: "Connie's Celica" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Lois gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]
Peter: ...So long bitchy 2 AM blanket pulls.
Joe: Ahhh, there we go.
Lois: [From the back of the police cruiser] Fuck you, Peter.

[Peter hears what sounds like a train whistle and dresses as a vagabond]
Peter: Well, that's my train. Time to disappear from this life, completely.
Lois: No, no Peter. It's just Chris, practicing his new recorder.
Peter: What? I said no hobbies!

Lois: Stop! That sounds terrible.
Peter: Yeah, you can't just play one note over and over. You're not Danny McBride.

Lois: Well, I'm gonna have to talk to Principal Shepherd about this.
Chris: [sarcastic] Great, everyone loves seeing their mom inside their high school.

[Skee-Lo makes three wishes with a genie]
Skee-Lo: Uh, I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, and I wish I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat.
[Skee-Lo gets his three wishes]
Peter: Skee-Lo!
Skee-Lo: What?
Peter: You need money!

Principal Shepherd: What's this forgettable misunderstanding all about?
Lois: My son is being taught by a bird.
Principal Shepherd: Ah, Mrs. Wilkins.
Lois: No, Mr. Mason.
Principal Shepherd: Right. Lot of open windows at this school.

[Principal Shepherd seductively lights some candles]
Lois: I'm not gunna have sex with you.
Principal Shepherd: I know. I just farted.

Lois: I started from the bottom, now I'm here. So, ... rap.

Connie: Oh, my God. You're so lame.
Lois: I know you are but what am I?
Connie: Lame.
Lois: ... Okay, we'll call that one a tie.

Connie: You were never me.
Lois: Oh, yeah? Look down at your desk.
[Connie looks down at her desk and sees "LG" engraved in it]
Connie: LG?
Lois: Lois Griffin.
Meg: Wait, but weren't you Lois Pewterschmidt back then?
Lois: Meg, go to the principal's office.

Peter: So, Lois. How was your first big day teaching? You pull a Mary Kay Letourneau?
Lois: [laughs] No, Peter. I didn't leave my family to have sex with a 12 year old boy named Vili Fualaau, get arrested for rape, give birth to his child in prison, get out, get arrested again for humping him in a car when he was 13, have his second kid in jail, get out, get married to him, change my name to Mary Kay Letourneau-Fualaau, live my life as a disgraced sex offender and then get dumped by him. No, I didn't do that.

Brian: She's a classic, entitled, mean girl slut.
Stewie: Connie D'Amico? She stopped by to see you yesterday.
Brian: [overjoyed] SHE DID!? What'd she say?
Stewie: She said your gullible.
Brian: And?

Lois: Music tells the story of out lives. For example: This morning, I woke up and saw it was a sunny day. [plays Edvard Grieg's "Morning Mood"] Then, I had some tea [plays the Oriental riff] which was from China. On my way out the door, the kitty cat ran across the piano. [plays piano sloppily] Get off of there, kitty cat. [laughs] Then, I drove to work. [plays untitled music] But then, I hit some traffic. [plays "Dun dun DUN!" music sting] That was caused by a parade. [plays "The Stars and Stripes Forever"] For gay rights. [plays the song in a higher pitch] And finally, I got to school early and diarrhead in the girls locker room. [blows into tuba] The end.

Lois: Okay, for the rest of the class, I will wait for the bell [bell rings] and then I will suddenly talk much louder and faster, as you're headed out the door. OKAY AND REMEMBER THERE'S A QUIZ A WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY!
Students: Aw, man.
Lois: Good, that means you heard me. This is how Hollywood thinks school teachers talk.

[Lois goes on a date with a lesbian]
Lesbian: So, I got my blacksmith certification. I can make axes now.
Lois: Oh.
Lesbian: You in the marker for an ax?
[Cleveland and Donna see her at the next table over; Donna shakes and nods her head in agreement with Cleveland]
Cleveland: I'll keep this on the D.L. Hughley but your next date should be with Christ.

Peter: I'm gonna go see what new stuff they're turning into milk.
[Peter goes to check]
Peter: [offscreen] Ooh, wood milk!

Peter: Hey, Lois. Do we need any jeans milk at home?

Meg: Guys, my mom was arrested for Connie's murder ... NO QUIZ!

Peter: So, what I'm supposed to be a guy without a wife now? What am I supposed to do? Whatever I want, whenever I want?

Peter: Who's gonna greet me in a shapeless sweatshirt, when I come home?
Joe: Meg, maybe?

[Lois gets taken away by the police]
Peter: What am I supposed to do now, Brian? Whatever I want, whenever I want?
Brian: Yeah, I was right here when you were doing that.
Peter: Oh, I ... I didn't hear you laugh.
Brian: I'm more of a smile guy.

Peter: Have you ever wanted to receive a vegetable in the mail?

[Peter shoots his confiscated Nerf gun at Lois]
Peter: [offscreen] Suck on that, Lois!
Lois: That was very close to my eyes, Peter.
Peter: [offscreen] It wasn't close to your eye.
Lois: That's why I took it.
Peter: [offscreen] It was so far from your eye!

[Peter flicks a coin into the waitresses butt]
Peter: Keep the change.

[Joe goes to Peppa Pig's house to tell her parents about the death of their daughter]
Daddy Pig: Yes?
Joe: Excuse me, folks. Do you have a daughter named Peppa?
Mummy Pig: Yes.
Joe: You're gonna want to sit down.

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