- Joe: Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
- Quagmire: That's what they got you doing down there?
- Joe: Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
- Cleveland: You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
- Joe: Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.
- Joe: It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee pee.
- Cleveland: So, you're just erasing cop weiners all day?
- Joe: Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.
- Chris: Mom, can I go bare hand raisins from the bulk aisle?
- Lois: Okay, but if you get caught, just say "Oopsy poopsy" like a simpleton.
- Chris: Is that a Michael Sam jersey?
- Stewie: Yep, two boy names. Doubly masculine.
- Brian: Like George Michael?
- Stewie: Shut up!
- Brian: Come on, Stewie. Are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store, thinking you were a girl?
- Chris: Elton John...is another.
- Stewie: It has nothing to do with that, Brian. I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport. You know, like boys do.
- Brian: You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.
- Chris: Barney Frank ... is yet another one.
- Brian: Chris, please. Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin. There's a bunch of these.
- Joe: I'm just like any other cop, my wife puts on my pants, one leg at a time.
- [Chris sees the children's football team]
- Chris: Wow, so these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow.
- Brian: Excuse me, Coach Herar ... Herar ... Herara ... Rararara?
- Coach Herrera: It's Herrera.
- Brian: Okay, that's a lot of Rs, but listen. I ... I noticed you're not starting Stewie.
- Coach Herrera: Oh, I can't put him in. I mean, he can come out for limp handshakes at the end of the game, but I can't play him. He's too little.
- Brian: Little? Oh, like that car you drive over there? Let's see if it looks bigger, when I throw a Sprite at it.
- [Brian throws his Sprite at the car]
- Coach Herrera: Well, it's not my car, but I don't care, I'm just a volunteer.
- Peter: I want a minute in your house with this shopping cart, like Supermarket Sweep. Here, time me.
- Joe: Peter, you expect me to let you ransack my house?
- Peter: Well, unless you'd rather I spill the beans to the chief about who's been doing your dirty work.
- Joe: Okay, go.
- [Peter runs into the house and starts destroying everything]
- Peter: [offscreen] Aw, sweet, board games! I'm taking the cannon from your Monopoly.
- Bonnie: [offscreen] Aaaah! Why is Peter in the house?
- Joe: It's a police matter, Bonnie!
- Peter: [offscreen] Hey, how come Kevin's room is locked?
- Joe: He just wants some privacy!
- Peter: [offscreen] It's locked from the outside!
- Joe: Don't open it, Peter!
- Peter: [offscreen] Hi baby! Hi baby!
- Joe: Get out of Susie's room!
- [Peter comes back out]
- Peter: Your stuff sucks. I didn't need the full minute.
- [Stewie has a concussion]
- Stewie: Is anybody gonna answer that telephone?
- Chris: He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.
- Brian: Well, at least he's talking again. I think that means he's getting better.
- Stewie: Is it day or night? I don't ... I don't care. I just wanna know. LOIS, ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!
- Brian: No, no, no! We don't need Lois. [chuckles] Chris, pretend to answer the phone.
- Chris: Uh ... uh, hello? Okay, yes, one second. MOM, IT'S FOR YOU!
- Brian: What? No, damn it, Chris! Um, um, ... I'll take that. Hello, this is Brian Griffin. Actually, I already received The New York Times and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.
- Chris: You're bragging to nobody?
- Bonnie: Joe, is something wrong? I didn't hear you crying in the shower this morning.
- [Chris comes in the room, carrying a baby]
- Brian: Chris, what the hell?
- Chris: There is a room, where you can go in and just get free people.
- [A pretty blonde woman in dated clothes and hairstyle enters the convenience store where Joe tackled the robbers]
- Woman: Excuse me, do you have any Tab soda I can bring back to the sex dungeon where I've been held captive for decades?
- Joe: Ma'am, this is a crime scene. I'm gonna have to ask you to move along.
- [She leaves, dejected]
- Joe: You're right, Peter. I"m a pretty good cop.
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