Joe: Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
Quagmire: That's what they got you doing down there?
Joe: Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
Cleveland: You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Joe: Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.

Joe: It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee pee.
Cleveland: So, you're just erasing cop weiners all day?
Joe: Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.

Chris: Mom, can I go bare hand raisins from the bulk aisle?
Lois: Okay, but if you get caught, just say "Oopsy poopsy" like a simpleton.

Chris: Is that a Michael Sam jersey?
Stewie: Yep, two boy names. Doubly masculine.
Brian: Like George Michael?
Stewie: Shut up!
Brian: Come on, Stewie. Are you still hung up about that woman at the grocery store, thinking you were a girl?
Chris: Elton John ... is another.
Stewie: It has nothing to do with that, Brian. I just thought it'd be good to take up a sport. You know, like boys do.
Brian: You don't have to play football to prove you're a boy.
Chris: Barney Frank ... is yet another one.
Brian: Chris, please. Actually, you know what? Ricky Martin. There's a bunch of these.

Joe: I'm just like any other cop, my wife puts on my pants, one leg at a time.

[Chris sees the children's football team]
Chris: Wow, so these are the wife-beaters of tomorrow.

Brian: Excuse me, Coach Herar ... Herar ... Herara ... Rararara?
Coach Herrera: It's Herrera.
Brian: Okay, that's a lot of Rs, but listen. I ... I noticed you're not starting Stewie.
Coach Herrera: Oh, I can't put him in. I mean, he can come out for limp handshakes at the end of the game, but I can't play him. He's too little.
Brian: Little? Oh, like that car you drive over there? Let's see if it looks bigger, when I throw a Sprite at it.
[Brian throws his Sprite at the car]
Coach Herrera: Well, it's not my car, but I don't care, I'm just a volunteer.

Peter: I want a minute in your house with this shopping cart, like Supermarket Sweep. Here, time me.
Joe: Peter, you expect me to let you ransack my house?
Peter: Well, unless you'd rather I spill the beans to the chief about who's been doing your dirty work.
Joe: Okay, go.
[Peter runs into the house and starts destroying everything]
Peter: [offscreen] Aw, sweet, board games! I'm taking the cannon from your Monopoly.
Bonnie: [offscreen] Aaaah! Why is Peter in the house?
Joe: It's a police matter, Bonnie!
Peter: [offscreen] Hey, how come Kevin's room is locked?
Joe: He just wants some privacy!
Peter: [offscreen] It's locked from the outside!
Joe: Don't open it, Peter!
Peter: [offscreen] Hi baby! Hi baby!
Joe: Get out of Susie's room!
[Peter comes back out]
Peter: Your stuff sucks. I didn't need the full minute.

[Stewie has a concussion]
Stewie: Is anybody gonna answer that telephone?
Chris: He keeps thinking the phone is ringing, Brian.
Brian: Well, at least he's talking again. I think that means he's getting better.
Stewie: Is it day or night? I don't ... I don't care. I just wanna know. LOIS, ANSWER THE BLOODY PHONE!
Brian: No, no, no! We don't need Lois. [chuckles] Chris, pretend to answer the phone.
Chris: Uh ... uh, hello? Okay, yes, one second. MOM, IT'S FOR YOU!
Brian: What? No, damn it, Chris! Um, um, ... I'll take that. Hello, this is Brian Griffin. Actually, I already received The New York Times and I always enjoy finishing the crossword puzzle.
Chris: You're bragging to nobody?

Bonnie: Joe, is something wrong? I didn't hear you crying in the shower this morning.

[Chris comes in the room, carrying a baby]
Brian: Chris, what the hell?
Chris: There is a room, where you can go in and just get free people.

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