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[For a complete script, see: "Crimes and Meg's Demeanor" at the Transcripts Wiki]

[Brian talks to Stewie over the phone]
Stewie: I'm coming over.
Brian: Hey, listen, don't think...You don't think you could snag a couple of rolls of toilet paper, could you?
[silence is heard on Stewie's end]
Brian: Stewie?
Stewie: [over the phone] I'm here. I just wanted you to have to sit with those words for a minute.

Lois: [offscreen] Kids, dinner's ready.
Meg: [mimicking Lois] Dinner's ready. [normal] Shut up.

Peter: So, what are you kids doing at school?
Meg: I got in trouble for saying something insensitive to trans kids.
Lois: What'd you say?
Meg: Well, a few of them started this a capella group, and they're all kind of chubby, so I said, you guys should call yourselves, The Trans-Fats.

[A vertical flip transition to Peter and Lois happens, but the image is upside down, causing Peter and Lois to fall to the ceiling]
Peter: Ah! Son of a bitch! What was that?
Lois: I don't know. Someone must have messed something up.

[Peter and Meg go to The Drunken Clam]
Peter: Hey, you wanna see where I was sitting, when you were born?

Peter: You were already drinking tonight, weren't ya?
Meg: [snickers] A little.
Peter: Well, I can't talk to a drunk person if I'm sober.

[Stewie escapes Principal Shepherd's apartment and goes back to Brian's]
Stewie: My, that was close.
Brian: Stewie, he saw you! He saw you leaving his apartment!
Stewie: Oh. Well, so what? He doesn't know what we're doing.
[Brian looks through the binoculars and sees Principal Shepherd looking back at him through binoculars]
Brian: [gasp]
Stewie: What? What is it?
[Brian gives Stewie the binoculars]
Stewie: Well, that's...that's not good.

Lois: [Enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?
Brian: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lois [to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So, Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?
Chris: What happened to her?
Lois: She's was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.
Chris: That was fun, mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Lois: And, Meg, I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.
Meg: Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.
Lois: Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.
Meg: Thanks, mom.

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