[For a complete script, see: "Customer of the Week" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Lois: You know what I think the problem is, Stewie? I need to show them that I deserve to be customer of the week!
Stewie: You don't.
Lois: They probably see a woman like me and think she's got it all!
Stewie: They don't.
Lois: I know, it's a silly little award but I don't ask for much.
Stewie: You do.
Lois: And this is the one place...the one place that makes me feel happy.
Stewie: You aren't.
Lois: I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I feel like I really vibe with everyone there.
Stewie: You don't.
Lois: I'm one of their best customers. If I stopped showin' up, they'd probably wonder where I went.
Stewie: They wouldn't.
Lois: Because I'm a nice person.
Stewie: You're not.
Lois: I tip in cash!
Stewie: So?
Lois: And I can't think of one reason why they wouldn't pick me!
Stewie: I can.
Lois: Thanks for listening, Stewie.
Stewie: I had no choice.

Lois: Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
Alexa: Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to ...
Lois: Alexa, skip tp celebrity birthdays.
Alexa: Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
Lois: No way! Someone should tell his face!
Alexa: I know right?

Lois: See you later, Alexa. You're my best friend.
Alexa: ... And you're ... You're awesome, Lois.

Meg: [offscreen] Hey, mom! My period started on the couch!

Peter: My shoes are on the roof. Get 'em.

Chris: If they didn't want us to put out foot down there, they shouldn't make it a perfect fit for a toilet shoe.

Lois: You know, I always thought that peanut just went away, when you became an adult, you know, like tonsils ... Tonsils go away, right? I thought I read that right. What are tonsils?

Guy: Excuse me. Are you in line for the bathroom?
Lois: No.
Guy: Oh, then MOVE!!!
[The guy tries to open the door but it's locked]
Guy: GIVE ME THE KEY!!!

Peter: So, how was everybody's day?
Chris: I made the football team ...
Peter: Congratulations.
Chris: ... Throw up because I put cleaner in the gatorade.
Peter: Still pretty good.

Lois: I almost never say anything when foreigners loudly facetime.

Lois: In general, I'm a pretty good person, ... right?
Chris: Yeah, I mean, you show a little patience for the handicapped at times but ... yeah.

Peter: Lois, should I stop recording? Uhp, you got a text. Uhp, I clicked it. Uhp, it's Bonnie. She's responding to you. Uhp, about me. Uhp, I'm reading the old texts. Uhp, I should stop. Uhp, but I can’t. Oh, you're unhappy. Uhp, who's Greg? Uhp, there’s Greg.

[The Griffins (sans Lois) argue over the best Spider-Man movie]
Peter: In fact, there'd be no superhero movies without Toby McGuire.
Chris: No way! Garfield never got the chance!
Brian: Is Affleck the best Batman? No, but he had the best Batman body.
Meg: He'll be the first ex-Spiderman to win an Oscar!
Stewie: Just cuz it's an animation, people think it's not legit!

Lois: Oh, shaving cream.

Chris: Mom, why are we at the hospital to visit your barista?
Lois: Chris, I promise that if one of your baristas ever gets into an accident, I'll go to the hospital, too.
Chris: Okay. That's all I wanted to hear. I've got a lot of baristas who make questionable choices.

Lois: Hi, you must be Lisa's mother. How's she doing? Did she say what happened?
Lisa's Mom: No, she mostly just said [moans inaudibly].
Lois: Oh, that's not a good moan.

Lisa's Mom: Apparently, somebody put peanuts in her car and she's deathly allergic.
Lois: Oh no. Here are flowers.
Stewie: [offscreen] She took those from a guard rail memorial.

Lois: Do they have any leads on who could have done it?
Lisa's Mom: No.
Lois: Good ... [realizing she almost gave herself away] Grief! "Good grief" is what Charlie Brown would say, here. Peanuts. Probably a poor choice of reference.

Lois: Exit stage left!
[Lois zips into a room marked "Pediatric Oncology" like Snagglepuss and then walks back out]
Lois: That was a very sad door to run into.

Lois: Now, there are two ways we can go from here. You can give me your absolute trust or ... I can get you hooked on heroin. Heroin's not bad. Not having heroin. That's what's bad.

Kyle's Roommate: People are gunna know we're gone. I promised my boyfriend that I'd ...
Lois: Wait, you're gay?
Kyle's Roommate: Yeah. You sound surprised.
Lois: I don't know. You just don't present as gay.
Kyle's Roommate: Oh, so gays present?
Lois: No! No. No, that's not ... What!? I'm woke!

Lois: [exasperated] I don't know. I ... I guess I'm not woke. Okay? Fine! You win with your gay stuff! That's what you want, right? You win!

Kyle's Roommate: Look, what I was trying to say is that you can't leave us like this because I promised my boyfriend that I'd make a meal for his grandmother's Meal Train. If I don't drop it off, they're gunna know something's wrong.
Lois: [inhales deeply] What are you supposed to make?
Kyle's Roommate: Beef wellington.
Lois: [shocked and dismayed] Wha ... B ... BEEF WELLINGTON!? For tonight!?
Kyle's Roommate: Yeah, why? Is that hard?
Lois: [daunted] YES! If you're starting at 2:00pm, very! Yes!

[Peter escapes the tool shed with a wheelbarrow]
Peter: Ha ha! Too fast and too smart for ya, earwigs!
[An earwig crawls into Peter's ear]
Peter: Now, to continue clearing the yard. [gets possessed by the earwig] Collecting moisture and sleeping in wood.

Brian: Hey, Lois. Whatever happened to that customer of the week thing?
Lois: [on edge] Uh, the ... the ... the, what!?
Brian: The customer of the week at the coffee shop. Did you ever win?
Lois: [nervously defensive] Wha ... Why? Why would you bring that up? What are you, obsessed with it!?
Brian: [confused] Um, you ... you have been talking about it ...
Lois: OH, SO YOU CAN HEAR ME WHEN I SAY THAT BUT CAN'T HEAR ME WHEN I SAY GET OFF THE COUCH!
Brian: [scared and ashamed] I like to be up by people.

Chris: You guys wanna play spin the bottle for finger stuff? Crank this night up a notch?
Stewie: ... I'm in.

Tom: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. In local news, two roommates were found bound and gagged in their apartment this morning in what they're calling, "The Catsitter Tier-Upper". Guys, we need to get better name comer upper withers.

Joe: Well, Peter, I think the main difference is Chinese people are from China and Japanese people are from Japan.
Peter: [whispering]
Joe: Yes, that's probably why you were banned from the restaurant.

[Lois tips her barista five dollars]
Lois: ... Well, you could have said thank you. You don't see a lot of five dollar bills in there. I must be a pretty good person to give a five.

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