Dirk Bandit is a human interest story reporter for Quahog 5 News. In "If I'm Dyin', I'm Lyin'", he presents the story of Little Johnny Gobraun, a terminally ill little boy who gets a dying wish from the Grant-A-Dream Foundation to play quarterback for the New England Patriots. After Gobraun was sacked during the game, Dirk remarks that he should have wished for some blocking.

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