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[For a complete script, see: "Disney's The Reboot" at the Transcripts Wiki]


Peter: That woman looks exactly like me.
Lois: That's your reflection, Peter.
Peter: Oh ... I'm beautiful.

Von Jiner: As you may or may not care, Family Guy is in it's 17th season, and since FOX is now owned by Disney, which will someday be owned by Netflix, which will someday be owned by Pornhub, we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot.

Von Jiner: As most unfunny women will tell you, women are very funny.

Peter: Good morning, Goddess. You know, I just want to say again that you were totally right last night to bring up that thing I did wrong eleven years ago and please feel free to bring it up again any time, even if we're talking about something completely unrelated.
Lois: Thank you, Peter. I will.
Peter: [chuckles] I ... I know you will.

Judy Greer: How was your night last night?
Lois: Great. I worked out, made dinner, little family time, and had Peter's ankles up in the air, by 11:00.

Lois: Oh my God! Peter, there's a spider in here!
[Peter is tangled up in a giant spider web]
Peter: Yeah, I know, genius.

Smarmy J. Tiestraightener III: I hit a gay jogger on my way to work today.

Lois: I just don't know what to do about this thing at work.
Peter: Are ... are we still talking about that? I mean, it's fine if we are. We ... we just ... we talked about it before dinner and ... and during dinner and after dinner.

Lois: I'll make a vision board. See my success and be my success.
Peter: My testosterone is so low, I could not have thought of that.

[The business man who gave Lois a promotion takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Peter]
Peter: What can I say? I love my wife.
[Peter takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Lois]
Lois: Eh, it's my show. Why shouldn't this be me?
[Lois takes off her mask, revealing herself to be Peter]
Peter: Because I'm the funny one.
[Peter takes off his mask, revealing himself to be Lois]
Lois: Not on this show, you're not.
[Lois takes off her mask, revealing herself to be Peter]
Peter: Or am I?
[Peter rips the flesh off of his face, revealing his bloody skeleton underneath]
Peter: Uhp, I thought we had one more face.

Focus Group Tester: You know what? I don't really get Family Guy.
Von Jiner: What's so hard to get? You just need to have grown up in the 80's but still be a teenager.

Peter: Hey, what's going on in that room?
[There's a focus group, watching The Griffins' focus group through a one-way mirror]
Brian: It's a focus group of Arby's executives, watching us eat.

[Ruth is in the same shower room as the boys]
Ruth: Hey, guys.
Chris: Hey, Ruth. Good gender fluid shower?
Ruth: Great gender fluid shower.

Chris: Patty, what's wrong? Why aren't you in bitch class?

Chris: I'm gonna go to a club I'm too young to get into a listen to a band that's owned by the same parent company as the network.

Stewie: Hey! Who left their gender fluid in the shower?

Von Jiner: I know you've been here all day, but it's not like you have jobs to go to, so I'm going to show you one more reboot idea.

Focus Group Tester: Which Wi-Fi should we be logging into?
Von Jiner: Glendale Galleria Public.
Focus Group Tester: Yeah, that's what I've been trying.

Chris: No, still no kids, but I've been practicing a lot by myself.

[Chris talks to "Stewie" on the phone in his spin-off series]
Chris: Okay, give my love to Brian and Meg and hopefully we can come down there for the season finale. No? You're just not gonna be a part of this at all? Okay, then, bye Stewie.

[Peter enters the focus group testing room]
Peter: Everybody shut up!
Focus Group Tester: Hey, it's that sheriff from The Q!

Peter: Yes, unemployable neck tattoo guy.
Unemployable Neck Tattoo Guy: It's a bible verse.
Peter: Doesn't matter. Anything above the Adam's apple, means drugs.

Focus Group Tester #1: I like Netflix. Could you be Netflix?
Focus Group Tester #2: Yeah, Netflix is awesome.
Peter: 'Course it's awesome. It's Netflix. Look, we're stuck being FOX. We have to deal with it, okay?

Focus Group Tester: What about BoJack Horseman?
Peter: Hard no.
Focus Group Tester: You get to be a horse.
Peter: Hard yes.
Bojack Guy

[Peter is BoJack Horseman]
Peter: Normal words, but a horse guy!

[Peter is an all set-up, no punchline comedian]
Peter: So, any of you out there have a futon? Yeah. Yeah, right? ... I Ubered here tonight ... Man, Starbucks ... Facebook, huh? ... And how 'bout that new chip in credit cards? ... Anybody ever been to Georgia? ... The new iPhone is large ... EDM Music.
Heckler #1: [offscreen] Boo! You stink!
Heckler #2: [offscreen] Yeah! Dane Cook already did all these halves of jokes!
Peter: Hey! Hey, this is my job! I don't go down to Burger King ...

Focus Group Tester: That was terrible. Netflix should make 800 more of those.

Focus Group Tester: I thought I read you guys were phasing out gay jokes.
Peter: That quote was taken out of context and widely misunderstood.

[Lois reports on Olympic diving]
Lois: Guys, just so sorry that any of this is happening, I mean, even once every four years just seems like way too much.

[Jerome shows up in a reboot, where everybody has a John Benjamin voice]
Jerome: What can I get for you guys? ... Nobody touches my voice.

Focus Group Tester: Hey, guys. The coffee beans Wi-Fi doesn't need a password.

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