- Lois: You know, Chris. You and your stillborn brother, Tmas were named after Christmas.
- Lois: First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.
- [Peter takes a too full bath and the water spills out of the tub and fills the rest of the room]
- Peter: Aw, now I wanna be on that side.
- [Peter goes to the other side, making the water go back into the tub]
- Peter: Well, that didn't work. Now to take a sliding toilet seat soaking wet dump.
- Patrick Swayze: Peter, you're in trouble. So, I've come back to help you recapture the true spirit of Christmas.
- Peter: [gasp] Ghost House
- Patrick Swayze: Road House.
- Peter: Ghost Road.
- Patrick Swayze: House House.
- Peter: Road Ghost.
- Peter: Oh, wow! This is my old house from when I was a little kid.
- Patrick Swayze: That's right, Peter. I'm taking you all the way back to the year 1970/80/90.
- Peter: I'll never forget that year. When President Richard Reagan Clinton lied to the American people.
- [Christmas at Ollie Williams' house]
- Ollie: CHRISTMAS!
- Ollie's Son: WHAT'S THIS!?
- Ollie: COAL!
- Ollie's Son: WHY!?
- Ollie: BAD!
- Ollie's Son: AWWW!
- [Carter calls his German-speaking grandmother]
- Carter: Wie geht es dir?
- Nana Pewterschmidt: Es gibt zu viele Juden in Brasilien.
- Chris: What did she say?
- Carter: She wishes you a Merry Christmas.
- Stewie: That's not what she said.
- Meg: We should probably call Durd.
- Chris: You mean dad?
- Meg: No, the fat guy who sleeps with mom.
- Stewie: You guys talkin' 'bout Durd?
- [Peter sees a future where he died and Lois remarried]
- Peter: Who's that guy?
- Patrick Swayze: That's Lois' new husband, Lance.
- Peter: Wow. I finally had the guts to leave her. Good for you, Peter.
- Peter: All the porn girls I follow in Instagram have Santa hats on. It must be Christmas!
- Peter: For Brian, a Rhode Island sweatshirt with both "Rhode" and "Island" misspelled.
- Brian: Wow, it hurts when I put it on!
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Don't Be a Dickens At Christmas's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes