- Peter: Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.
- Lois: Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that get us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.
- Peter: Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, Shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.
- [Lois is relegated to the role of delivery person as Sofia Vergara takes her place in an attempt to win an Emmy]
- Lois: [warning Peter as he shuts the door] Forget the freakin' Emmy. If you touch her ass I'm...
- [Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from "Modern Family"]
- Stewie: I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
- Brian: [correcting him] The fat woman.
- Stewie: He hasn't chopped it off yet.
- Brian: That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.
- Stewie: And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Micheal. That doesn't mean it's true.
- [Tricia plays the role of Lily Tucker-Pritchett from "Modern Family"]
- Tricia: Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line with more emotion and less of a monotone than the actual Lily on Modern Family.
- Peter: You guys aren't supporting my choice?
- Quagmire: Well, what do you expect, Peter, I mean a sex change operation? Why are you doing this?
- Peter: I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this. For me. M E. M E. I'm doing it for Emm-my.
- Meg: Thanks to you, I now believe in me. Me. M E. I believe in Emmy!
- [A "For your Emmy consideration: Meg Griffin" tag shows up on screen]
- Peter: [Wipes the tag offscreen] Okay, okay, alright, don't want one that bad.
- [Peter considers transgender surgery]
- Dr. Hartman: Peter, I'd like to introduce the surgeon who will perform your procedure today. [holds up a scalpel] Dr. Wang Gone.
- Peter: We'll sneak into the drama category. That's how we'll win the Emmy. With dark, confusing plot twists, like on Homeland or Mad Men.
- Chris: Ooh, or Breaking Bad or Mr. Robot Chicken!
- Peter: No, Chris. It's "Mr. Robot".
- Chris: Chicken.
- Peter: Mr. Robot.
- Chris: Chicken.
- Peter: No, no. Chris, you see, Mr. Robot is a critically acclaimed show. Robot Chicken is something kids used to watch in 2006. It's basically 4 minutes of nonsense, on at 1:00 in the morning, breaking up personal injury ads.
- Chris: Chicken.
- [Lois plays the role of Skylar White from Breaking Bad]
- Lois: How are we ever gonna pay all these bills, that have been perfectly ripped across the top, so the words "past due" are visible?
- [Cleveland plays the role of Jesse Pinkman, selling drugs to people in cars]
- Cleveland: Yo, you five-o?
- Adam West: No, I'm 87. How flattering.
- Joe: I need the money to pay off my mysterious boss, Mr. Robot.
- Chris: [offscreen] Chicken!
- [Bill Maher emerges from the shadows]
- Peter: Bill Maher? What are you doing, not smoking outside of church?
- Bill Maher: Uh, yeah, I was just doing that. Uh, look, Peter, I'm here for two reasons. First, to find out who that Asian girl was on the couch, and second, to tell you that Family Guy will never, ever win an Emmy.
- Peter: Okay, first of all, that was Asa Akira. I think you knew that. Second, are you saying there's a conspiracy against us?
- Shonda Rhimes: The racial stuff on your show is just embarrassing. You have people of color, voiced by white actors.
- [Camera zooms out, revealing Consuela]
- Consuela: [shocked] No!
- Shonda Rhimes: Yes! Hell, I'm Shonda Rhimes and I'm being voiced by a white actor.
- Peter: You know, I may not get Emmys, but I do get the best award of all. My family and this E-mail from a young fan. [reads E-mail] Dear, sir. Your show helped me when I was going through chemotherapy.
- Lois: [sadly] Awwww.
- Peter: My favorite episode was when Homer stays home from church, aw dammit, he thinks we're The Simpsons.
- [A hand gives an Emmy award to Ty Burrell, simply for choking a rubber chicken]
- Ty Burrell: I don't have any more room in my house.
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