- Tom: Whoever recorded me cursing at that freeway off-ramp veteran, please don't post that. Alright, seriously. We all have bad days.
- Brian: It's shameful Hollywood would pass over the many talented plus-sized actors who are much more deserving of the role.
- Stewie: Name two.
- Brian: Jonah Hill?
- Stewie: He's thin now.
- Brian: Uh, Fat Albert?
- Stewie: Not real.
- Brian: James Corden?
- Stewie: He's been cancelled for sending eggs back.
- Brian: It's just another example of Hollywood's history of exclusionary casting, whitewashing, and thinwashing.
- Peter: Exactly!
- Brian: Like Mike Meyers playing an Indian man in The Love Guru.
- Peter: [chortles]
- Brian: Or Marlon and Shawn Wayans playing White Chicks.
- Peter: [chortles]
- Brian: Or Mickey Rooney playing an offensive stereotype of an Asian man in Breakfast at Tiffany's.
- Peter: I don't know that movie but I like breakfast.
- Lois: Brad Pitt could put it anywhere with any of us.
- Stewie: Facts.
- Lois: When was the last time a celebrity visited Quahog?
- Peter: Uh, Jared Fogle.
- Lois: Who?
- Peter: The Subway guy, remember? He was here for a public appearance. Took a shine to Chris for some reason. Took him camping. Had these weird candies he only let Chris eat.
- Chris: How come I don't remember this?
- Peter: Ah, too many video games, buddy. Rotting your brain.
- Chris: Get your hands off me, Jared!
- Peter: Women have no idea what it's like for us men, being held up to impossible standards of beauty in the media!
- Meg: Ooh, Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie.
- Peter: [buzzer sound], too old! Next.
- Kanye West: Hitler would have won Wimbledon, if he played tennis, bro!
- Lois: Well, Peter, I'm just glad you're on the news for something other than sitting on a hamster at a school event.
- Abraham Lincoln: [snorts cocaine] Alright! Let's get zapped and go see a play!
- Josh Universal: Mr. Griffin, we asked you here because we understand you have an issue with Brad playing the lead role in our movie. We wanna make sure we hear and ignore all your concerns.
- Peter: You don't know the challenges fat guys face! What it's like to have to rock multiple times to get off the couch, or how it feels to have to poke a new hole in your belt with a nail, only to realize the end no longer tucks into the little loop, or the shame of getting thrown out of a strip club for touching.
- Josh Universal: That last thing doesn't seem like a weight issue.
- Peter: You sound just like the judge!
- Josh Universal: Mr. Griffin, look. What if we made you our official fat guy consultant?
- Peter: Do you think I'm an idiot?
- John Universal: YES!
- Zack Apatow: I want you to get me this thing and I can't remember what it is or where I saw it.
- Brian: So, just like that, you're giving up.
- Peter: Brian, I'm a fat guy. I got all fired up about something and now I'm tired and I'd like some custard.
- Peter: Guys, I'd lie you to meet my new friend, Brad Pitt.
- Quagmire: Oh my God!
- Joe: Whoa! Nice to meet you!
- Cleveland: Who's this now?
- Peter: He's a very famous actor. He's like the white Morris Chestnut.
- Cleveland: Oh, damn!
- Quagmire: Hey, Brad. Any chance I could get Jennifer Aniston's number from you? I know she's got to be a nightmare, but she keeps it so freakin' tight.
- Brad Pitt: Hi, you must be Peter's wife. I'm Brad.
- Lois: Oh, I know who you are. I'm ...
- [Meg knocks out Lois with a bat]
- Meg: Hi, I'm ...
- [Stewie knocks out Meg with a bat]
- Stewie: Stewart, charmed. I know you dump people when they're 40 but that still gives us 39 good years.
- Chris: Pleased to meet you, Mr. Pitt. Um, when you did that movie, Snatch, did you know that also means something else, because it very much does.
- Brad Pitt: A sticky handshake, you've got there, Chris.
- Meg: Um, excuse me, Mr. Pitt, but would you mind if I facetimed my friends with you here? Oh my God, they'll go crazy!
- Brad Pitt: Sure, Meg. It would be my pleasure.
- Meg: EEEEEE!
- [Meg calls her friends but nobody picks up for a really long time]
- Stewie: ... Oh, boy ... Oh, this ... this is sad ... Oh, this ... this, ... this is just ... Ohhhh, ... Why don't I just take this, dear?
- Brad Pitt: Thanks so much, Mrs. Griffin. I love a home-cooked meal.
- Lois: Well, we are so happy to have you. How's Shiloh?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Lois: How's Maddox?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Lois: How's Zahara?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Lois: How's Pax?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Lois: How's Vivienne?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Lois: How's Knox?
- Brad Pitt: Who?
- Peter: Ignore her, she can be so annoying. Sometimes I wish I had a private plane just so I could choke her on it.
- Peter: This role calls for real-life fat guy authenticity. I mean, would Transparent have been as good if they just put a guy in a dress? Would Neil Patrick Harris have been as funny on How I Met Your Mother if he wasn't a known heterosexual horndog? Would Tropic Thunder have been as authentic if Robert Downey, Jr. wasn't a dignified black man?
- Josh Universal: All right, Griffin, you got the part.
- Peter: Awesome! I'm gonna FaceTime my friends. They're gonna be so excited for me.
- [Peter facetimes his friends and the phone rings for a long time]
- Stewie: Oh, boy ... Oh, this ... this is sad.
- Stewie: Wow, a real-life movie set. So cool to be here for the magic.
- Brian: Yeah, look. There's a child star, who's getting an hour of school.
- Teacher: Okay, Billy. Now, what color is this?
- [The teacher shows Billy the color red]
- Billy: Blue?
- Teacher: Close enough! Now get back out there and be the most distracting part of any film!
- Peter: Did Dr. Hartman bring a woman in a coma as his date?
- [Dr. Hartman wheels in a comatose woman]
- Dr. Hartman: Hey, guys. Big night, huh? See you in there!
- Peter: Thank you all for coming.
- Quagmire: [offscreen] Giggity!
- Peter: It was a lot of hard work.
- Quagmire: [offscreen] Giggity!
- Peter: And thanks to the unnecessarily long writers' strike, we were unable to write a third joke for this speech.
- Peter: Didn't you notice half the time, I was staring at the camera? They had to use peanut butter to get me on my mark!
- Brian: Yeah, but you've done a great thing for authenticity and inclusivity?
- Peter: I don't even know what those words mean. I just like to see your tail wag when you say them.
- Brian: Peter, you're giving the marginalized a voice!
- Stewie: How are they marginalized? The whole country's full of dumb, fat fucks.
- Peter: Maybe I was blinded by all the praise I got from Harvey Weinstein.
- Brian: Peter, Harvey Weinstein hasn't had clout for like six years.
- Peter: Oh, boy. Then I may have done some things I'll regret.
- Peter: I got offended that Chris Christie wasn't played by a fat guy but turns out it just needed to be a good actor. Maybe we should all spend less time judging and more time enjoying what different actors bring to different roles. That's the magic of movies and TV.
- Chris: [offscreen] And stepson porn.
- Peter: Chris, you don't have to join every conversation.
- Peter: I understand not everyone will agree on this issue, but let's discuss it in a civilized manner by making death threats from our individual homes to one another on the internet.
- Lois: Well, I'm sorry your movie didn't go over well, Peter.
- Peter: Yeah, the money was good, but I got tired of all the one-night stands.
- Lois: What?
- Peter: Huh?
- Lois: Sorry, my ears have been clogged since I made out with that guy from the film crew.
- Peter: What?
- Lois: Huh?
Previous Episode's Quotes /// Fat Actor's Quotes \\\ Next Episode's Quotes
| << Season 21 | Family Guy Season 22 | Season 23 >> | ||||||
| #01 | Fertilized Megg | #06 | Boston Stewie | #11 | Teacher's Heavy Pet | |||
| #02 | Supermarket Pete | #07 | Snap(ple) Decision | #12 | Take This Job and Love It | |||
| #03 | A 'Stache from the Past | #08 | Baking Sad | #13 | Lifeguard Meg | |||
| #04 | Old World Harm | #09 | The Return of the King (of Queens) | #14 | Fat Actor | |||
| #05 | Baby, It's Cold Inside | #10 | Cabin Pressure | #15 | Faith No More |
| ||