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Chris: I'm home from camp!
Brian: Welcome, home!
Stewie: Meg's been wearing your clothes.

Lois: How was Camp Angry Indian?
Chris: Oh, they had to rename it Camp Redface. Then soon after, Camp Washington Football Team.

Chris: I got a girlfriend. She's smoking hot and she has some off the charts scary political views, but largely because of the smoking hot thing, we've decided to stay together.

Peter: Hey, Jerome. Can I get a twisted tea over here?
Joe: Uh-oh. Never a good sign when a guy strays from linear tea. Everything okay, Peter?

Quagmire: I don't know your to say this but Canada is kind of a red flag.
Peter: Yeah, and white with a big leaf in the middle.

Joe: I hear Canada has a pretty handsome prime minister.
Cleveland: It's Trudeau.

Lois: Bocce Balls!

Jamie: Hi there, young lady. I heard you had a hole that needed to be filled.
Lois: [laughs] Yes. [flustered] Is that a big job?
Jamie: Nothing my caulk can't handle.
Lois: [turned on] So you just...fill the hole with your caulk?
Jamie: Yes, it's very thick and it stays hard forever.

Jamie: Well, it's still a bit moist but it should dry up soon.
Lois, Meg, and Stewie: Don't count on it.

Peter: Sometime next week, we're going to Canada.

Meg: Hey, mom. I'm doing a school report. Who was president when you were born?
Lois: Oh, Dwight D. Ei...Oh, you bitch! Clinton! Dwight D. Clinton.
[Cutaway gag to Dwight D. Clinton]
Dwight D. Clinton: I did not have sexual relations with that woman because I am extremely old and have a windsock penis.
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Peter: You know why I believe you don't have a girlfriend?
Chris: Why?
Peter: Because you're a fat loser!
Chris: [gasp] [crying] I hate you!
[Chris runs away]
Peter: Aw, Chris. I didn't mean...Ah,...Oh no...I probably just ruined his self-esteem forever.
Strip Club Announcer: Please welcome our next dancer, Chris Griffin!
[Chris dances like a stripper on stage]
Chris: [crying] This is because of you, daddy!

[Stewie notices Jamie's penis is hanging out]
Stewie: It's out. It's out! It's very out.

Eulogist: Now, please join us for an Arby's-catered reception. We ask that you leave your cups and cigarette butts on the ground or in attic crawl-spaces, to be found years later.

Peter: Well, this is hard for me to admit but...I used to be a fat loser.
Chris: [surprised] What!?

High Schooler: Okay, so earlier you said that the winner of round one is immune from the sudden death round?
Peter: They are.
High Schooler: But our handout says that the sudden death round is part of the champion circle, which determines the winner. So, the round one winner can't win the game?

Peter: Eventually, it all worked out. I met your mom, I Brett Kavanaugh-ed her up some stairs, and accidentally had Meg.

[Peter lies about his Canadian girlfriend at his high school reunion]
Peter: And then whoever has the most points is named the moose with the most. Any questions?
Alumnus #1: Yeah, if the show is so popular in Canada. How come they never showed reruns in the states?
Peter: Good question. It was created by the CBC, which is a pipeline for the BBC, which ran it quite regularly, but that preexisted BBC America, so there was no US system in place. Next.
Alumnus #2: Yeah, say you win a trip in the moose pit challenge, but you're unable to go due to some previous conflict.
Peter: You have one calendar year to take the trip.
Alumnus #3: And if you win the cash bash, are you taxed on your winnings?
Peter: You have to declare the gross amount on your taxes that year.
[The audience murmurs among themselves]
Peter: Guys, I've have 25 years to perfect this. You're not gunna stump me.
Alumnus #4: Yeah, you said it was the best rated show in Nunavut in the 90's but Nunavut wasn't separated from the Northwest territories until 1999?

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