[For a complete script, see: "HTTPete" at the Transcripts Wiki]
Mayor West: [Reading from the book of Just Jared] Death be the ultimate fail.
Hammer: Peter you're doing great as a millennial. Next thing is you gotta be on Fleek.
Peter: "On fleek"? People still say "on fleek"?
Hammer: No Peter, that's not what I meant. I want you on Fleek. This is Fleek.
Peter: Aww, can I ride him?
Hammer: Sure, Peter. Get on Fleek.
Peter: [Complies] Yay! [Peter and Fleek ride past a collection of various images] Our country's involved in six different wars, but millennials think about this stuff!
Hammer: Remember, Peter. Never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.
Peter: What's that? Sorry, I was too busy taking a selfie while shooting a Snapchat while periscoping that Snapchat while Instagramming latte art while Shazaming the Weeknd while streaming Master of None while retweeting George Takei while saying, "This wins the Internet!" while still being #sooobored. Hammer? Hammer? Come on, man. Don't make me look up from my phone.
Hammer: [Having been hit by a bus] Peter, it's too late. Listen. I've got this idea for a business, and I want you to have it. It's artisanal...artisanal...
Peter: Artisanal what? Is it pretzels? Is it artisanal pretzels? Has that been done? Does anyone know if artisanal pretzels is a thing? It seems so obvious, yet I don't think I've ever seen them. I better do millennial CPR! One! Ugh, whatever. Two! Ugh, whatever. Three! Ugh, I'm gonna let my parents take care of this.
Lois: Peter, why is he naked in there?
Peter: It's an environmental statement. Lois, please stop looking at my dead friend's dong.
Lois: Listen! I made breakfast and drove, so if there's a dead dong, I'm gonna look at it!
Quagmire: It's just so sad that young people can't pay attention to something longer than six sec... [Cut to a live-action clip of a man losing his grip of a trapeze bar. Camera zooms out to reveal Peter, Joe and Cleveland watching the clip on a phone] What the hell, you guys? I was talking! You know, there's more to life than just what's on your phone!
[Camera zooms out to reveal God watching the guys on his phone]
God: Wrong, idiot. ["Emergency alert from Africa" appears on God's phone] Anyone know how to turn these things off?
Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and this is The Six Second Talk Show. My guest tonight is Joe Biden, and that's all the time we have. Thanks for watching, goodnight. How was that?
Quagmire: Eh, kinda dragged.
Cleveland: It's The Six Second Talk Show, and now, your host. Heeeeeeeeere...
[Peter struggles to fold a map]
Chris: Find the corners.
Peter: It's not a puzzle, Chris.
Lois: You gotta fold on the creases.
Peter: I'd be able to find the creases if somebody had folded it correctly last time.
Lois: I did fold it correctly.
Peter: No you didn't, and then you jammed it into a backpack, and now I'm in this mess.
Lois: Don't blame me. You ripped it up when you were tearing through the backpack for your snacks.
Peter: Ok, this is why I wanted to bring a globe! All right? You don't have to fold a globe.
Lois: Who the hell would bring a globe on vacation?
Joe: [Nearby with a globe] See, Bon? We're eating food, and they're tearing each other apart. Where to next, mon cheri?
Peter: Where's your nearest bathroom?
Parker Stanton: Gender fluid?
Peter: Yes, there will be a lot of that.
Driver: I have no idea how to drive without texting!
Brian: There's a taxi stand.
Peter: Dead. Dead. Dead. Barely alive! To the airport!
Peter: We can play charades.
Chris: Oh, you mean like your marriage?
Peter: Chris, I told you that in confidence.
Peter: If you wanna tweet something, you do it the old fashioned way: write it on a piece of paper, staple it to a bird, and throw it out the door. [Demonstrates]
Cat 1: Hey, do you follow Peter Griffin on Twitter?
Cat 2: No, why? Is he funny?
Cat 1: No, he just throws dead birds on his lawn, and it's awesome.
Joe: Hey, Peter, who are these guys?
Peter: Oh, this is just my looping GIF of black teens reacting to a very mild burn.
Joe: Huh, sounds kinda pointless.
Peter: Oh, you mean like your feet?
Black Teens: Oh!
Peter: Look. We're getting a signal! I think we fixed the Internet! Something's coming through!
Worker: It looks like an ad.
Peter: Smithwork's artisanal pretzels. Son of a bitch!
Lois: Well I'm glad you got the Internet...hold on. I'm sorry, what were you saying?
Peter: Yeah, sounds good. [Takes picture of genitals] And send. Take that, Delta Airlines.
[A distracted worker starts a fire]
Rod Sterling: Submitted for your approval. A restaurant full of people so distracted by their phones, they're unaware that they're all about to go up in smoke, just like the FOX Tuesday night lineup.
Black Teens: Oh!
[The guys watch Marvel's "The Offenders" on the bar's TV screen]