[Peter and Lois shop at an adult bookstore]
Peter: Lois and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook.
[Peter gets a notification]
Peter: Ew, Meg. Don't "like" that!

Quagmire: Man, I'm happy the war is over. I can't wait to get back to Troy.
Cleveland: Yeah, I'm just gonna plop down with my kids and watch Troy Story.
[Cutaway to Cleveland watching a Troy Story stage performance with Junior and Rallo]
Actor: To the other side of that hill and beyond!
Cleveland: [to Junior] That's as far as we know about right now.

Peter: Now, if you'll excuse me, Helen's in my cabin and I thought I'd give heterosexual sex a try.

Quagmire: Helen! What the Hades?

Peter: What? She's hot. But not as hot as Medusa. One look at Medusa and I'm rock hard.

Peter: Now that we're owned by Disney, we can have Hercules here...No? They...They won't let us use him?...What was the point of this whole merger? .. Well, who can we use?...Launchpad McQuack? No. No. No, you know what? I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted with being told "no" and now I'm married. [groan] I'm gonna go break wieners off statues.

Cleveland: Are we even supposed to be at this party? If they find out we're Montagues, they might razz us!
Peter: Relax, no one's gonna recognize us. We got inch-wide masks over just our eyes with the rest of out faces plainly visible.

Carter: Juliet, honey, we need to talk. You're a grown woman now and it's time for you to get married.
Lois: Grown woman? Daddy, I'm 13!
Carter: Shh! Don't say that! Tell people you're 11! You wanna get married or not?

Stewie: Aw, man I must have amnesia or something cuz I don't fucking remember inviting you guys.

Peter: I'm...Abe Froman. The sausage king of Chicago.

"Family Feud" host: 100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name something you might say to a damned Spot.
Stewie: Out.
[Stewie's family cheers for him]
"Family Feud" host: Show me "Out".
["Out" only gets him 8 points]
Stewie: What!? That's impossible!
"Family Feud" host: Romeo, name something you might say to a damned Spot.
Peter: Hello.
["Hello" gets him 86 points]
Stewie: What!?

Lois: "Wherefore" means "Why", by the way. Not "Where".
Peter: Shh. Shh. Shh. That's stupid. You're stupid.

[The police come to a building, where Joe and Stewie were killed and Cleveland is the only one alive]
Cleveland: Well, we all know how this goes.
[Cleveland gets down on the ground and puts his hands behind his head and the sirens blare at him]
Cleveland: I'm doing it!

Lois: Since I'm picking up a prescription, can I uh, pay for the rest of my items here.
Quagmire: ...I...I...I...I guess.
Principal Shepherd: [sigh]
Lois: Oh, [sigh] yourself.

[A building is on fire]
Peter: I accidentally farted on a candle at our eyes wide shut party and this happened.

Lois: I'm not gonna be ignored by you, Dan!

Lois: Hi, Dan. It's Alex Forrest. I just found out I'm preg...Now, I'm giving you a minute to pick up the phone, hastily.

[Batman sees the bat signal flickering in the sky]
Batman: [angry] I SEE IT! GOD!

Lois: I'm pregnant.
Peter: Are you sure it's yours?

Peter: They won't outlaw abortion until 2019.

Quagmire: If I were you, Dan, I'd just go home and enjoy your family and rabbit. Most of these things just boil over.

[Stewie walks in to see that Brian has been boiled to death]
Stewie: [sad] Aw, I was gunna kill the rabbit.

Peter: Alright, listen, Beth. I got something to tell you, in front of our kid. I had an affair.
Lois: You WHAT!?
Peter: I know. It was awesome at the time and frankly, I was real close to getting away with it but now that there are actual consequences, I gotta tell you the truth.
Lois: Dan, how could you!?
Peter: Look, it's not my fault. My plan was to just hide this from you forever. Also, she's pregnant.
Lois: How is that possible?
Peter: Well, when a man and a woman like each other just a little and they get in an elevator.
Lois: Oh, God! How could I be so blind?
Peter: I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, honey but I will say, at least she had a pot of something on the stove, when I came home.

Peter: Ah, I love relaxing here with that dry ceiling.
[The ceiling drips with overflowing bath water]
Peter: Huh, I wonder if the weather called for living room rain.
[Peter watches the weather]
Weatherman: Next up, Connecticut, your living room forecast, dry, dry, dry.
Peter: [gasp] That can only mean one thing!

Peter: You deserve to die because the choices I made are your fault!

Peter: Alright, she's mostly choked. Let's just sit on the floor with our backs to the tub.

Stewie: It's just been revoked.

Chris: Hi, I'm Chris Griffin. I didn't have a lot to do tonight, but they did say they'd give me one minute of the end of the show to share my favorite love story. Of course, I chose the classic romantic tale of the love between a young man and pastry, American Pie. The store was all out of apple so this one is chicken pot, fresh from the oven. Here we go. [Chris sticks his dick in the pie] OOOOOOOOW! THAT PIPING HOT GRAVY! UGH! OH AND ONE OF THE PEAS WENT INSIDE! IT'S SO BURNT, I CAN'T TELL WHAT'S CHICKEN AND WHAT'S MEAT! OH GOD, NOT GUNNA STOP, THOUGH! HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MOM AND DAD FROM YOUR TEENAGE SON, GETTING BUSY WITH A 400 DEGREE POT PIE!

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